~ kore wa xianjiro no blog desu ~

Hillsboro Farmer's Market

2008-08-08T04:34:00.001-07:00

Just another recreational shopping venue

It's very clear that Hillsboro's Farmers Markets is all about giving citizens yet another place to indulge in America's favorite pasttime -- recreational shopping. You know, consumption mostly for consumption's sake.

A friend from Portland recently accompanied me to the Hillsboro Market on Saturday morning and he commented on how much junk, and how little produce, was actually for sale. I guess that since Hillsboro's rulers are all about encouraging more yuppies to come here, they have to have the trendy new feel good fad available.

Forget that Market Management has been promising to start taking food stamps for over 3 years. It's clear there is no real plan to do it since every time someone asks about it, they get a different 'excuse'. "Oh, when we have a volunteer who is willing to guarantee 3 days a week..." or "Oh, when we have enough money to pay for the processing fees..." or "Oh, when we have enough money to pay the start up fees..."

With such an attitude, what else can we assume than that those kind of people are not wanted at the market? I wonder how much the city spends on this Market each year. After all, they have paid to set up credit card processing, but then that's the way most yuppies pay for things, isn't it?!? Of course they have to cater to their needs.

So what is it about Hillsboro and the poor, the aged, and of course, the recently immigrated? It seems like they have to be scared into doing things for these groups. Maybe if they knew that disabled people stay away from the Market because of their policy or maybe if we could prove that fewer Asians and Latinos/Hispanics go because they don't accept food stamps they could be shamed into changing the policy.

But then, all you need to do is have the occasional 'ethnic' performer and your activity is culturally diverse, right? And we all know that some of their best friends are poor, aged, disabled, or illegal...

Always Different, Rarely Better

2008-01-30T18:52:00.000-08:00

I'm Tired of Website Changes for Change Sake

Am I the only person who only goes to a website once a year (or so) and hate to find everything different? It makes it difficult and some times impossible to find what you need to do. Why are website designers always changing websites? I never feel like it makes anything better, just slower and easier for ads.

Could it be that this is the way the justify their existence, and paychecks, for the companies that always need a newer website? Or is it the fault of the company? They don't think they had such a good quarter last go and so of course, a newer image -- or at least website -- will fix everything.

When at all possible, I use this as a good excuse to stop using that website all together. For example, Multnomah County Libraries updated their website with loads of fanfare promising that it was going to better for everyone.

But here is the basic fact, after the new website was unleashed on the public it had tons of problems, programming was not even finished yet, so then they told us to wait -- it would get better -- eventually.

But after months and months, my queries only seemed to get slower and slower. When I finally was able to search for and place holds on three items on the Washington County Cooperative Library Services system in the time it took to just get my hits on Multnomah County's site, I said, "I'm done." I haven't been back since. I tried to tell them what was going on, but all they cared about was the little pictures and the ability for people to "rate" items. Oh boy! Such pretty little pictures, but it takes hours to place a hold! What a deal!

Seems there are some benefits to living in Washington County. I made sure and emailed my experiences to the webmaster out here and VIOLA! when they updated their system, we didn't lose our functionality just to make things prettier. I don't mean to take credit for that since the webmaster emailed back something which might possibly imply something like he agreed with me -- though I'm sure he really couldn't make any such statement officially or in any way that would be felt unprofessional.

No. We live in a decrepit age where change for change sake alone rules the day. Just wait, people will vote for one of the two Democrats left for just this reason...

Spammers New Attack

2008-01-30T18:37:00.000-08:00

Well, it seems that spammers neither die nor go away. No, instead they find new ways to target people.

I'm very leary of all unsolicited email these days. Take the following:

Good day,

My name is Edward Johnson and I am looking to buy links from good websites as yours (xjs.com). I will be glad if I can have a text link or a text box 120x60 or 125x125 on your site. Please advise what what will be the price for each of these ads, if it is placed:

1. On your homepage only
2. On all site pages

I will be very thankful to you if you take into consideration my requrest.

Kind Regards

Edward Johnson

Hmm. I actually have a relative named "Edward Johnson" but he'd never send this email to me. Additionally, the from field of the email says "Stacia Hatfield [ahmed_hassan202000@yahoo.it]". Wow! That's three names and two different genders, and one might think multiple nationalities though it's hard to tell for certain.

But I remember I used to get a lot of email from a "Stacy Hatfield" back in the old days before I got cagier with my email address. What do you want to bet these are one and the same since no other spammer would use such an easy flag.

The other approach is to say that they want to buy my domain name. I'm sorry, but I know that at least half of these "offers" and "enquiries" are just trying to confirm an email address for spammers. The message is simply to vague to be treated as credible, but alas, I don't have any saved. I wonder why?

But this one is more troubling:

Hello,

I recently found your website: http://www.xjs.com/xianjiro/blog/xjvrl.html online for other good blogs. I run my own blog Bayareakicks.com, and I am trying to link to other blogs I think my visitors might like to visit once they are done on my site.

Since my website is visited by 1,000's of blog readers daily, I am positive many of my visitors would be interested in visiting your web blog once they leave mine. I figured you wouldn't mind if I link to your site since we are not competitors, and both have similar internet viewers on our sites. Please let me know if this is OK with you? Do you think you can link back to my website Bayareakicks.com? Thanks.

Murris

Hmmm. He's actually included the real link to the page where I used to write about movies and books, but let's see, my last entry was April 9, 2006 and it was titled "Am I Still Interested?" Gee, given the dates, one might think the answer was "NO!"

I just bet this one is really spam as well. He uses the same email address that spammers get off the domain name whois query. But this one is much slier and works on everyone's desire for an easy link. It uses flattery well and then just waits for me to confirm the email address or better yet, reply from another, real email account.

Nope, it looks like it's time to change that nasty spam-bait email address I have to provide the domain name host. What a pain! But at least this way it takes a lot longer for the spammers to find the email address and now that I know one is spreading through their nasty databases, it's time for a change.

Webcam Directory Updated

2008-01-30T17:24:00.000-08:00

Oregon WebCams Updated

I've had a webcam page on my website for some time, but like many things, I've just never seemed to get around to updating it until yesterday. What moved me into action?

I got an email from "Bill" that didn't say "thanks for trying, but many of the links have changed or died" or even "thanks anyway" but instead whined something like "none of your webcams work." Hmmm. Does "Bill" really think that I run the hundreds of webcams in this state? Or was he just whining that I hadn't updated the link he cared about.

Clearly, this is type of statement that passes for communication in our culture these days. Rather than stating what the problem really is -- none of your cams feature some cute, hot, young thing getting nasty so I can watch for free -- you get something like "your cams suck."

Oh well. At least broken links have been updated or deleted. I've left a couple entries without links hoping maybe someone will get me a new link they might know of that I haven't found (Medford and Sprague River). I'd also like to include more cams from Eastern and Southern Oregon.

Visit Oregon WebCams now.

The Other Kind of Christmas

2007-12-25T14:12:00.000-08:00

I haven't had a particular fondness for Christmas the past few years. Clearly the fact that I'm on my own has something to do it, but when I first returned from Japan in the mid 90s I still went to the effort to get and decorate a tree. I even did it the first year I was in the apartment on Quatama, but there just doesn't seem to be any space for a tree in this apartment.

As for gifts, I purchased mine early in the month -- nothing fancy since I basically have to use whatever I get for my birthday to fund Christmas. Terry was kind enough to take them to the post office while I was at the doctor a couple weeks ago, so I know everyone would have their gift from me in time. But alas, I've spent many a year with few, if any, presents of my own to open.

This year isn't much different. Terry and Julie put together a nice Christmas basket with various goodies -- homemade strawberry jam, rhubarb chutney, ginger cordial, and apple sauce with some baked goods and some locally made fudge and flavored hazelnuts. I haven't tried any of it just yet, but know it will all be wonderful.

Additionally, Terry found a 3rd edition of the Atlas of the Pacific Northwest from 1963 which I've never seen. I haven't been through it completely yet, but it's really cool. I know I will also spend time comparing it with the 8th edition I have from 1993. It's pretty close to a perfect Christmas present for a crazy atlas and map loving guy.

My friend Don really surprised me with a gift of biscotti and a bag of coffee. I really didn't expect anything more from him since he had brought something else a couple weeks ago which I will keep private.

As for my family, my father sent a bit more cash which will, no doubt, come in handy. My one brother mentioned in an email that he's extended my subscription to National Geographic another year and my stepmother mentioned in her email that the post office had assured her that her present would arrive by last Saturday -- but alas, our friends at the USPS seem to let me down yet again. So I'll have to wait until this coming Saturday to see what she sent.

I'm going to put a bone in the oven for Robin and will probably give him a new tennis ball to chew up here in a bit.

And that's pretty much our Christmas. Even though I went through the official begging channels, I wasn't deemed worthy to receive a Merry Christmas through any of the various agencies this year (though Hillsboro's Trinity Lutheran did a remarkably nice job last year).

Never mind all the senseless babble from the media and marketers -- "Ho, ho, ho. Buy, buy, buy." I've always found that part of the season a real annoyance. And while I do enjoy watching some of the Christmas movies (I watched Christmas Vacation and A Christmas Story last night), I can only take a limited dose of Christmas music. Last, while I do remember the story of the Christ child, I can't say I feel compelled to go to church.

I also prefer not to join someone else's family for Christmas since it always feels so odd to me. This is probably the only holiday I can say that about. I think it must have something to do with those early childhood memories that are so wrapped up in our understanding of what Christmas is. Unfortunately, I can't say that all those memories are happy, but they are in fact mine.

At least when I had a partner, we enjoyed combining our traditions into a new form of celebration that I rather enjoyed, but it's rather difficult to make this holiday enjoyable when one is alone.

One thing new this year is I have asked my family if we could NOT talk on the phone today. It's one of those things that I've done the last few years with a mixture of feelings. I remember hanging up the phone after a call and feeling nothing but depressed and since I know that's no one's desire, it just seemed to make more sense to avoid the calls all together.

I know they are thinking of me and maybe they all would prefer that I was there -- I too prefer I was there, it's just the traveling that I can't abide. But then there is the talking to everyone. It isn't easy to hear about all the wonderful gifts everyone else has enjoyed opening when I've had little or none. And then there are the stories of fun had and wonderful food enjoyed. I'm truly happy for them, but again, through my own choice, I've done without.

But I guess the worst part is when I am asked the inevitable "So how was you're Christmas?" It seems that this is one of those magic questions where we only want to get answer that reinforces our own feelings of satiety. My scripted response is generally, "fine, fine," and then I change the subject. No one really wants to know how I feel, do they?

I think I will wrap this up because much like those phone calls I wanted to avoid, I find myself slowly overcome by emotions that I can do little with other than feel and trust me, they aren't good. So much like I decided a few weeks back, it's better that I forget about it all and just treat the day much like any other. This way I won't be any worse off for it.

I have the entire stack of I, Claudius tapes to enjoy -- and that puts the fun into Dysfunctional Family! It seems the lovely, large snow flakes are falling agin...

Merry Christmas to All
and to All
Good Night!

Hillsboro's White Christmas!!!

2007-12-25T13:32:00.001-08:00

IT'S SNOWING!!!

As unbelievable as it is, it is actually snowing ON CHRISTMAS in Hillsboro, Oregon. Yes, that's right. I don't know when it actually started since it was just cloudy around 11 am when my friend Don dropped by.

We were chatting and he mentioned how quiet it was -- he actually said it's always so quiet when he is here and it's the quietest place he ever goes. So I decided to look out the window because it almost seemed TOO quiet to believed and then that's when I saw the most lovely, large snow flakes falling and a thin layer of snow accumulating on the privet hedge and cars in the parking lot.

My first thought was how rare, but then I immediately started to worry about Don's drive back to Portland (he starts work at something like 2am, so I know he's tired by this time of day). I expected, since it was snowing, that all I'd have to do do is turn on the TV and the reports would be falling over one another trying to stand in the patch of white, but strangely enough, there was nothing on TV (other than the more usual tripe -- I mean -- programming).

I checked on the Internet and sure enough snow was being reported on the National Weather Service's Portland page and snow was clear on various Westside cameras on the Portland page of Oregon's DOT website.

As I poked around, it seemd clear that the snow was coming from the southwest with the heaviest accumulations in Washington and Clackamas Counties. So I guess our friends in the media only care if snow comes to the city of Portland.

It seems to have stopped now that I write this. Maybe more will return, it seems that tonight's forecast might suggest an unpleasant commute tommorrow, but I don't have to worry about that at least.

I believe this is the first time I've seen snow on Christmas since the late 70's in Chicago. I wouldn't mind if it got a touch colder and we got a real heavy snow. I might even take Robin out to play in it...

Thoughts on Trying to Rest

2007-10-24T23:45:00.000-07:00

For those readers who wonder how I could write so wryly about facing death down a couple nights ago and feeling only disappointment when it did not arrive, I only can point to today as an example. I only managed to sleep for a few hours before waking in the early hours of the morning the rumbling of the neighbor's truck to the south of us. His schedule is quite odd, but I'm sure it can't be helped that he has to leave at 2:30am. But do we really need to be treated to 5 minutes of warmup and pealing tires as he heads out?

As I started to relax again, the cops chased someone through the neighborhood with a constant quick bursts on the siren. I'm sure the bursts of sound is better than just running the damn thing, but it seems pretty clear that the perpetrator was unable to hear it. No wonder considering how many play they car stereos so loudly that we are treated to the thumps through the neighborhood all day long. Or maybe this one was jabbering on the phone? But I'd be willing to bet, given the hour of the morning, that they had a few too many.

The pain had decreased substantially, but rolling over the wrong way was still uncomfortable and deep breaths were painful. Sleep was impossible to regain though mostly because my lower body aches from being so tired -- this is a regular part of my disease and not directly the result of the flu attack. As I would relax, the muscle twitches and jerks were much more severe than they have been in a long time. Once while laying on my back, everything but my bum was lifted off the bed. [On a side note, I can't imagine anyone being able to sleep next to me without being physically hurt as I kick and punch though I hope it subsides once sleep takes me. I just don't know.]

Soon it was late enough that it hardly made sense to fall asleep since I'd only have to wake up after a short while to take my morning meds. But by then, I was so tired sleep came fairly quickly and easily. I then slept on and off until something like 4:30pm so that made about 7 hours of deep enough sleep if only the neighbors didn't constantly wake me up. Oh, there was the usual calling from neighbor to neighbor and short chats on the back deck, but that hardly compares with the all day yipping of the dog across the street. [And the apartment owner got upset because my dog barked when he parked in front of my apartment and insisted that I keep him from barking "for my neighbor's benefit". But considering he only barks when they do something...]

But I digress, the worst started up about noon when the screamer started throwing chunks of metal around his backyard. After 45 minutes or so of that the pounding started as he broke and beat the scrap. I thought about getting up and watching TV, but I knew that if it didn't last too long, I would need to go back to sleep. Luckily today there was no screaming tirade. No "fucking nigger, I hate you ass hole" yelled at the top of his lungs. No "goddamn mother fuckers what the fuck are you looking at" shouted at the kids as they walk past his house on the way home. No screaming at the barking dogs which so clearly bark at the noise he makes. And no screaming like a banshee for who knows what reason. So as soon as his attention was taken elsewhere, I was deep in dreamland once again.

It wasn't until 7pm though that I decided I was ready to get up. I figured the dog wanted to go out and do some business and I was feeling a bit hungry -- the first time since Saturday. I mostly feel recovered though I feel pretty run down, but I know that will be cured with a few more nights of good, long sleep. If only the rains would return that might even be guaranteed, but with dry, clear weather the neighbors are encouraged to be out and about and noise carries. It's not that I truly begrudge them their joys, whatever they might be, it's just that I find my own joy in was that seem quite different. Peace and quiet are at the top of my list, especially when I'm recovering from intense, if short lived, illness.

So why not move? Well, I moved here to escape an even worse apartment complex with even more troubling noise issues, if that can be believed. Since I lost my house in 2003, I've tried to make it in these apartments, but even when I was young and healthy enough to be working full-time and out on the town when I wasn't, I've hated living in apartments and worked towards the day I would have a house. I had viewed the rental as the last step before buying a place of my own, but I was never quite able to get all the pieces together to make that happen. Now it seems so far away, and rentals of houses in Washington County are so expensive as to be out of my budget, that it shall never happen and I will die in a crappy apartment I detest surrounded by noisy neighbors I share so little in common with.

And minus the good foundation of a house I love, I lack the strength to reach out and do much of anything else. I'm so mentally ready to try my hand at fiction, even if it means dealing with the addition of pain in my hands and arms as I now have in my legs and feet. But I will need to be able to concentrate and there are only a few hours during the day when that is even in the realm of possibility, but still there is the speeding car screaming down the road, the horn of the freight train as it moves slowly through Hillsboro, the ever present sirens of the police, fire trucks, and ambulances, and of course, there is always someone who needs to share whatever is on his mind with everyone no matter the hour of the day.

I can paint myself as retired, but I'm not working and am not exactly rolling in cash. That must make me one of the most eligible bachelors this side of the Pacific. Let's see, there are my dashing good looks, my ample figure which owes so little to hours spent in the gyms where today's hip and motivated worship in addition or in stead of the churches I no longer believe in. So even if a potential suitor can get past my poverty, my disability, my middle aged looks, and my unintentionally combative arms and legs as I wait to for sleep to overtake my eager mind, I can only live with another man IF he can qualify for the same housing program I'm on in Washington County.

So the best I could ever hope for is some kind of separate life shared with someone else on a part-time basis. There's no hope for a house and it's clear that my condition is going to continue to deteriorate, So you see, one can't even say "at least you've got your health." There is nothing in my present life that makes putting up with the pain and life's troubles worthwhile any longer. I'm completely tired of fighting with agencies for 'care' and having people with files sticking their beak in telling me how I'm supposed to live. With no one and nothing to live for, it's little wonder that I lay down to sleep a couple nights ago and hoped that I would not wake up again. But clearly, my life rarely works as I would see fit.

This is provided as an attempt to document my current state of mind and little else. Both this entry and the prior have been written and posted as is with no rewrites or edits. Together they describe what has happened to me in the last couple of days. They simply exist as I do.

I Didn't Die Last Night

2007-10-23T21:27:00.001-07:00

Well, I've been hit with my first bug of the season and I can hardly believe I've survived. I guess it started on Saturday since that was about the only time I could have been exposed. My caregiver came up as usual but it was clear he had been ill but promised me he was over the worst of it and not contagious. HUH! That's a laugh.

Oddly enough, on Saturday night, I had a terrible time keeping my feet warm though for the most part I felt fine, just a bit tired. But all things considered, that's not much of surprise. On Sunday I had little appetite. I basically ate rice and had some before bed some cheese and crackers and a banana.

I slept maybe an hour or so and then seemed to toss and turn finding it hard to be comfortable and always drifting between hot and cold. But considering the weather was changing from cloudy and rainy to clear and dry, I figured this wasn't really unusually. I seem to be quite uncomfortable physically whenever the weather changes dramatically (thus why this past summer was so hard on me).

As evening approached on Monday things started to change. I felt tightness in my chest: nothing major, just a discomfort. However, being a middle aged male in poor health and caring extra weight, it's pretty much been drilled into me what this stuff means. As the pain started to radiate out from right under my breastbone towards my right arm, I really began to wonder. But I figured with the stress of the last couple of weeks, it was probably nothing to worry about. The doctor has rushed me off to the hospital with chest pains before and nothing has been found so when it happened again a year or so ago, I figured it wasn't worth the expense.

I figured since I slept so poorly Sunday night, I just needed to get to sleep early even though I napped a bit during the day. So I was in bed about 9:30, but had trouble getting comfortable. The chest pains grew dramatically and there was just no way to get comfortable, but a couple hours later I drifted off for about an hour.

When I woke next I was in horrible pain. It felt like Superman and my heart and trachea in his hands and was squeezing for all it's worth. Would anyone be surprised if I said I grew quite anxious and so tried to concentrating on taking slow, deep breaths. But this was difficult and painful. My hands and arms had been outside the covers and were stone cold. My feet were as well even though they were under a blanket. I curled up in a ball, trying to get warm, but the pain was too much.

I got up to go to the bathroom, the pain was now quite severe in my upper back and my head ached. While the house seemed no colder than usual, I started to shiver horribly. Back under the covers it took at least 15 minutes to warm myself up enough to stop the shivering. By now I was convinced I had a fever but the thermometer read 99.7F. I adjusted the bed and readjusted my position.

By now my neck was arched backwards and my mouth gaped open as I lay gasping for breath. I knew I should call the doctor -- you know to get permission from my managed care gatekeeper so that I could call for an ambulance. But last time I had to sit on hold so long that I just knew there was no way I could do that with the phone this time around. I figured it was time to screw the doctors and make peace with what I figured was coming.

Honestly, closing your eyes and waiting to die isn't half as difficult as one might think -- but it requires both no fear of death and a readiness to leave what surrounds you. I had both. I decided though that I didn't want to be found naked so I got up and put on a pair of shorts. I told the dog I loved him and closed my eyes.

Clearly, the worst thing about death is the pain, suffering and waiting. Why couldn't it come swiftly? I thought about doing something to either ease my anxiety or decrease the pain, but what? And worst of all, I didn't want to mess things up and make it look like a suicide when it wasn't that. So I just lay there until finally my eyes closed again and darkness overcame me.

I saw no shafts of white light nor heard any voices. Actually, I doubt I dreamed at all. I didn't sleep longer than 90 minutes before I was up again. I decided that the fever was much worse now. I got up, and decided to use another method to take my temperature and sure enough, this time it was 102F. Not as bad as I might have expected given the chest pain. I did notice that the pain was least severe when I was standing, but I was a bit dizzy.

I went back to bed, but it was quite futile. Every position just seemed to crush my chest. Some made it quite impossible to breath. After an hour of this misery I finally got up and went out to the recliner figuring it was the best way to sit upright comfortably. I slept for another hour.

Waking just before sun up, I still felt as though I were fighting for every breath. I started to wonder who I should call -- the doctor, my caregiver, no one? By this time, I knew without a doubt that I wasn't having some sort of massive heart attack coupled with severe blockage of the pipes. I was pretty confident that I was fighting with a vicious virus and had to hope that what is left of my immune system could handle it.

I sipped some apple juice and tried to get comfortable. I just couldn't seem to get back to sleep so I got up and took the dog out for a leak. Walking was horrendous and I couldn't get him to go slow enough. We made it back inside and I settled back in but couldn't manage to find sleep.

I managed to down my meds at the usual time and then waited a bit to cancel the electrician from coming in a few hours. I then tried my caregiver at his office, but they said he'd called in ill again today, so I left a message for his wife figuring I didn't want to be the one to wake him if were sleeping. She left me a message which I got a numbers of hour later saying that he basically had a chest cold, headache and was coughing a bit. So it was clear we were affected quite differently if it is his bug I shared.

Shortly after leaving her a message, I fell asleep in the chair and finally stayed asleep for about 3 hours. Oh, if only the neighbors could have been quiet and not woken me for once! But I felt a bit better -- the fever felt less incendiary and the grip on my chest had lessened. I found I could even move around in the chair comfortably. But it was too damn bright to try and sleep in it again, so now I figured it was off to bed.

Sure enough, 5 hours of sleep and the worst had passed. I even ate a bit of chicken soup when I took my meds this evening. I watched a movie and got the dog out again for some more complete relief. I think it's time to feed him and head to bed for the night. I just hope I sleep well. I still have some minor body aches and feel unnaturally warm, my neck is rather stiff and deep breaths are still painful, but otherwise it's hard to believe that a short 12 hours ago I thought for sure I was dying.

I'll need to sleep well for the next couple of days and let my body finish getting rid of whatever has attacked me. If my caregiver was well, I might even rush off to the doctor in the next day or so to see if she's got any good test for this heart of mine. I can't help but wonder if it hasn't been damaged somehow during this attack. Additionally the key veins and arteries in and out as well as the place where the trachea splits towards each long seem to have been impacted though oddly enough I haven't coughed once nor do I feel like my lungs have fluid in them.

I wish I could report that I feel a new zest for life and feel lucky that I made it but alas, it's more like disappointment since I know that I've missed a chance to abandon this life I don't enjoy living. There hardly seems to be a reason to rush off to the doctor since she won't be able to give me a flu shot until I've been over this for some time and she can't write a prescription that will make my apartment quieter or safer. Well, maybe I will share a bit more about that tomorrow -- I think I need to go to sleep quite soon. I'm very tired.

Still here

2007-10-15T22:39:00.000-07:00

What do you call painting a building with aluminum siding in October in Hillsboro?

Airshow Evicts Homeowners - Can This Be True?

2007-08-17T22:54:00.000-07:00

In all the back-slapping coverage I've seen concerning this year's Hillsboro Airshow, nowhere have I read about something I find deeply troubling. While a neighbor of mine was trying to find a place to sit and watch from her car north of the Hillsboro Airport, a Hillsboro Police barricade stopped her from entering a residential neighborhood. She was told that not only could she not enter the neighborhood, but that the residents were being evacuated for the Blue Angels performance!

Can it really be true that not only are all roads closed around the airport to allow this expensive specticle annoy and bother the city's residents (most of whom don't attend the Airshow), but in addition, each time the headline act takes to the air the people who own or rent property around the airport are actually evicted from their homes?

In the land of private property above all else, it hardly seems possible that we force law-abiding, tax-paying Americans out of their homes merely so that other people may be entertained, albiet for a hefty $25/person/day. Even if one person is made to leave his premises for any time during the event, I would say that it is one minute too long. I would not willingly cooperate with such a request - if that is what it is under force of arms.

This almost seems too hard to believe, and I wouldn't believe it but for the neighbor's firsthand experience. Still, I would like nothing more than to hear from a person who had to leave their home under police supervision or threat, call it what you will.

Are There Gay Men In Hillsboro?

2007-07-25T12:56:00.000-07:00

Then say hello already!

Love That Oregon Dept of Human Services

2007-07-25T12:19:00.000-07:00

So what would you think of someone who told you the deadline was on the 10th, mailed you the paperwork on the 17th but put on it the paperwork was due on the 20th and you receive it on the 21st? This is exactly how Oregon's Department of Human Services deals with it's Food Stamps Clients.

If that isn't bad enough, they don't bother to tell me WHERE the form is supposed to go -- must it be taken in person to one of their branch offices where they except paperwork between the hours of 8:00 - 9:00 am Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday? Or do you have to send it to one of the lovely processing centers? Of course they expect their clients to GUESS!!!

And then my favorite, when you try to call the processing center, you sit on hold for 10 minutes only to be dumped in a voice mail. Past experience with that has resulted in being ignored, so one has to keep trying until one gets through. Which I did after 4 tries this go round -- not too bad.

I have to say that this time the employee who took my call was pretty helpful. At first, all she wanted to say was "we have 10 business days to process your application." I knew it wasn't even worth trying to argue about the fact that will make my food stamps late in August and after all, THEY are the one's who mailed the paperwork 7 days after it was due! Why would they care if I couldn't buy food because they fucked up?!?

But in their defense, the worker I called processed my application the same day. I don't know if she took pity on me or thought I deserved it since I was trying to be nice and polite on the phone while pointing out their slip up. She had a question though and left me a voice mail but of course she forgot (I belive intentionally since all employees in the processing center do this) to give me her extension. So guess who gets to play the game with voice mail again! Lucky me!

Well, get this, I have the boss' extension number, so I just called her and got really lucky! She actually picked up the phone!!! She must have thought it was Ed McMahon calling to tell her she has won the $10 billion prize or something...

While I don't have it in writing yet, and nothing really counts until it's in black and white, I got a message this morning that everything is okay. So I should be able to buy food as usual next month.

But I ask you, would you accept this kind of treatment without getting at least a little pissed off?!?!?

Dr Who's Big Bi Bye Kiss

2007-07-14T23:51:00.000-07:00

I'm sure this entirely foreign to straight people, but there are a series of on-screen kisses that carry a great deal of meaning for LGBTQI people. Clearly one of the most famous was the much discussed Ellen kiss of 1997. Even though this wasn't the actual first lesbian kiss on American TV, it got lots and lots of publicity -- and of course it ranged from psychotic to ecstatic.

However good that one felt, it still didn't mean as much to me. And to be honest, no kiss has meant anything to me because I've yet to see two men kiss on TV outside of cable shows like Queer as Folk. I have heard rumors that Will kissed on Will & Grace, but this was not a show that resonated with me. I mean really, all every gay man needs in his life is a straight woman to be happy -- like I haven't heard that one before! I only watched the show a handful of times. Who knows, I may have missed a lot of other gay kisses since I stopped watching ad-based television.

Actually, it's interesting to look over the list of LGBTQ characters on Wikipedia. It seems like not that long ago, during the days of Dynasty, when we wondered if we would ever see people like us on TV. I can remember the tears of consternation when the gay character morphed into some "Bi
because America isn't ready for Gay yet" guy who only seemed to be with women.

But clearly the most important kiss is the one that speaks to me. Not only is it between two men, but it's pretty meaningless if it's on a show I don't watch, right? Well, today I was blown away by the most wonderful MAN-2-MAN LIP-2-LIP kiss on a show that I've been watching for almost 30 years! Can you believe it?!?

So, you might be wondering why this kiss was so meaningful to me. First and foremost, I've been watching Dr Who since the mid or late 70's. I've never really thought of myself as much of a SciFi buff, but I can remember back in El Paso in the mid 80s I'd never miss a show. Of course it's been quite a long time since I've seen it, so when they restarted it a couple of months ago on OPB, I was somewhat skeptical. Could it be as good as the old series was? Would it live up to my memories? Have I changed so much that I will no longer like the cheesy low-tech special effects?

As you might guess, I still love the show and since the advent of CGI, the special effects have progressed wonderfully. So while I've never been interested in the American scifi shows like StarTrek: The Anal Invasion or Battlestar Ballactica, I love Dr. Who. Who knows, maybe it's because it's British. Maybe it's because I'm weird. Maybe it's because it's one of the very few things I used to enjoy doing with my father -- he's actually the one who started watching the programme and I'd watch it too. Though I don't know that we ever did it together...

Anyway, I was pretty amazed when they introduced this new character Captain Jack Harkness a few episodes back because he'd make comments much like I do. Instead of saying something like "why don't we ever have a romantic, candle lit dinner?" to be dismissed by the female character only to have Jack reply, "I was asking him (the Doctor)."

And so I was sitting there thinking, "did they really just make a homoerotic reference? Nah, this is Dr Who!" But then it kept on happening. But still, until today, I thought it was just me.

Then when they were getting to the big, emotional farewell, right before the three main characters go off to almost certain death during war with the perrenial alien enemies, the Daleks, Jake says goodbye to Rose (female sidekick) and kisses her on the lips. I'm thinking to myself, "hey wouldn't it be neat if..." and before I know what's hit me BOOM, Jack's grabbed the Doctor below the ears and plants one firmly on the lips! ON THE LIPS!

Okay, okay. I see the problems with this. First and foremost, he's Bi. That's okay. I've dated Bi guys. I used to say I was Bi when I was confused. Sometimes I still wonder (well, not really, but I did as late as the mid 90s). Second, we don't actually see their lips touch and there certainly is no tongue (thank you very much), but no one complains when the big star throws a right hook and the other guy's nose doesn't errupt in blood. It's all make believe anyway! Third, and probably last, yes, this actually happened in the UK in 2005 and it was broadcast in Oregon a week ago, but I only got to the tape today.

Oh, and it does get one better. Captain Jack is played by the BiNational Gay actor John Barrowman (UK/US). He was born in Glasgow, Scotland and recently were partnered on Britian's Civil Register. It was a small ceremony that they don't refer to as a "marriage." Wow! That's all right. Finally a gay 'star' I can relate to! (Though I try hard to not care about 'fan culture' or 'entertainment news.')

So, even though the Doctor actually died, and I for one really liked Doctor Nine Christopher Eccleston, and that really made me sad, it was a fabulous show! Thank you BBC for doing what is right and thanks to OPB for not being fearful of rightwing backlash and running this show at 2am or with some crazy "some people with really narrow minds might bust a gasket if they watch this" warning message. We are part of society and we deserve the same treatment as everybody else. We love, we kiss, we say good-bye pretty much like you do.

TITLE

Doing a bit better

2007-07-10T23:50:00.001-07:00

Even though it was hotter than hell in Hillsboro today, I think I'm finally getting much needed sleep. A good 12 hours on Monday and almost as much today. I would have probably gotten a bit more except someone came banging on a door -- I don't know if it was mine or the neighbors' since no one was at mine. But I know it wasn't a hallucination since Robin was barking loudly and quite upset.

Didn't do much -- couldn't do much -- due to the heat. Watered the garden and that was about it. Poor Robin is quite uncomfortable as well. During the day he was constantly changing position and getting up and plopping down again. As long as he doesn't look at me though when he pants, I don't have any but pity for him.

Well, not much else to say at this point. I'm actually tired enough that I want to go to bed fairly soon. It's pretty incredible, but I do go to bed about the same time every night if left to my own devices.

Oh, the one other thing I wanted to record was that I've been having a bit more trouble with dizziness, especially when working in the garden as of late. I believe it is also related to the lack of sleep. And actually, just about everything is affected by it one way or the other. So I've come up with a plan and will have to see if how it works out.

I don't think it will cool down much tonight, so tomorrow will be a rough day. Oh, my legs are in horrible shape from the itching -- I don't know why, but now whenever I get a mosquito bite it turns a horrible shade of black.

VCS Returns

2007-07-08T21:36:00.000-07:00

It's clear that I will be unable to escape a return of Villa Crappy Syndrome (VCS). It is much as I feared and tried to warn people about -- construction, heat, noise, fireworks, airshow -- all take a very terrible toll on my health. It's clear no one wants to hear about it since they feel there is nothing they can do and heaven forbid my poor health should cause them any discomfort.

It's been made quite clear to me that it's horrible form to talk about one's own problems -- we are only allowed to brag about how we overcome them. And of course we must always brag about how much money we spend on the stuff that counters unhappiness. My job is listen indulgently and suffer miserably in silence always pretending that other's happiness more than makes up for my lack of any.

No more sleeping for 12 hours. No more waking up free of pain. Instead I fight for 4 - 6 hours of sleep a night though to get that I seem to have to spend at least 12 hours in bed. The pain has spread up my legs and I even woke up with it in my hands.

More problematic is the return to hallucinations and terrifying dreams. If I don't keep my mind well occupied, it screams along with conversations, stories, sounds, all sorts of non-existent stimuli. It reminds me a lot of when my family was here last year and we went out for dinner late. They would return me home past my bedtime after being at The Grand Lodge with the omnipresent loud music and I would try to go to sleep and could. I would see non-stop flashing lights, much like being at a disco, even though there is nothing other than tasteful dining lighting at The Grand Lodge.

I learned then that all the input does something to my brain -- most likely aggravated by at least one or more of the medications I take daily -- which basically causes a type of overload. It then continues to process for some time. I also learned that if I did something like watch a movie for a couple of hours, I could 'come down' and have a better chance to sleep.

It's now my belief that summertime provides a similar abundance of stimulation -- fireworks, running fans, screaming freaks, barking dogs, screeching children, coughing neighbors, etc. It's not as severe as going to Grand Lodge, but it is definately present.

Such feelings then tend to be followed by terrible sleep. It's quite hard for me to tell when I'm asleep and when I'm not and then I have these horribly vivid dreams which feel like I live an entire real though equally fictious life. I have to deal with people who do not exist but with whom I have a long history and there is a certain amount of persecution. I fear for my life constantly and feel like I scream in my sleep, but I have no real way to know for sure.

It's also apparent that sleeping with windows open not only reinforces a lack of privacy but also a sesne of vulnerability. Therefore I don't sleep as well. I basically wake up frequently until it's time to close up the place. For whatever reason that's just enough 'work' that it makes it almost impossible for me to return to sleep no matter what I do.

It's also now clear that I now have a cycle which I describe as "feeling almost human" that starts in about 8:00 and tapers off about 2:00. I've been aware of the nighttime cycle for some time, but have been able to basically avoid the morning cycle by rolling over, taking my meds, and going right back to sleep. Getting up and closing windows is too much to be able to accomplish such, especially with the accompanying neighborhood soundtrack.

This morning it took almost 5 hours before I finally returned to sleep. I then slept another couple hours -- that's after sleeping a couple hours prior to being woken up for meds.

So What the Hell Am I To Do?

I can call the fine folks at Washington County Health, go off and fill out another ream of paperwork, and then informed that I'm depressed and must take whatever medications they fancy. Of course they have NO EXPERIENCE with AIDS patients, but plenty with substance abuse and domestic violence. I will have to prove I don't have those problems and then I will be dumped in the "all others" category.

The best possible outcome I can hope for is that they inform my primary care physican of their treatment so she can 'fix' it later on and that I'm medicated into enough of stupor that I somehow make it through until the rains start again. Of course then I will have to battle to get off the medications at that point -- after all the environmental cause will abate -- but since I will be diagnosed as 'mentally ill' they wil fight that and they will also have the ability to declare me 'likely to cause harm to self or others' and then what rights will I have.

Is it clear that I don't have any trust in the public mental health system? This is based entirely on my own prior experiences and those of people I have known who are in much the same situation as I -- relying on Medicaid for healthcare.

I don't know if the HIV Clinic is currently offering any mental health care or not. They've had a very difficult time keeping services available even though it is quite clear that HIV patients often need different treatment than the public at large -- if for no other reason than to avoid drug interactions with the assortment of medications we already take. I could also try to get back into the naturopathic clinic I used to attend, but given the difficulty in traveling, how exactly is that going be any easier now than it was when I stopped going?

So why not just try and get through the summer -- you know, suffer in silence -- as I feel myself descending into madness. It might start to ease in as soon as 2 months. Then, if we have solid rain day in and day out, I might be back to my normal self by November. Then I'll have 4 months to enjoy before the gradual slide back into hell.

Can't I Just Get Inoperable Cancer, Please?

I don't know how long I can continue if something should happen to Robin. I feel like he's the only reason I'm going on at this point and I honestly don't believe I would act to save my life if I had a heart attack or some other such critical medical condition.

I find myself fantasizing about all the crazy way people die -- maybe I could find one of those roofing nails in the back and have it imbedded in my body by accident. If I slap a dirty bandage on it and allow it fester, what's the possibility of tetnus or septasemia? And with all the mosquitoes outside, maybe I can also contract West Nile or some other wonderful sickness.

When I get a cancer diagnosis, I am clear I don't want to seek any treatment. If it wasn't so iffy, I'd just dump my HIV meds down the toilet or try and find someone to give them to who actually wants to live and can't get medication.

I don't have a place in this world any longer and few will honestly miss me when I'm gone, so why prolong this? This summer has been worse than I had imagined and we still have weeks to go. I have no reason to believe that next summer will be much better.

I've only had a handful of blueberries so I guess I need to have something to eat. I really have very little appetite these days (also a sign of VCS). I'm also tired of writing at this point.

Wanted: Working VCRs & Walkman

2007-07-08T00:52:00.000-07:00

A major catastrophe was averted today. My bedroom VCR stopped working a couple days ago so I figured I would have to just go out an buy a new one. But that isn't exactly possible.

We went to Bi-Mart first, they no longer carry VCRs. Next to Target -- they only sell VCR/DVD combo units. Figuring that I have already bought two DVD players this year, I can't see why I want yet another one. I also dislike more expensive combos because you often to have to replace both parts when one stops working. Seems stupid and more expensive to me.

So off to Best Buy, but they only carry VCR/DVD Recorders (at around $300 each). What a total waste of time and energy!

I even looked online and could only locate VCR/DVD combos or 'refurbished' VCRs from unknown companies. Clearly the rest of the world has moved on to TiVo type stuff, but I don't know anything about it. Will it allow me to record in the living room and watch in the bedroom? How much does this stuff cost? Why do I care when the old technology works fine most of the time and I can't afford to replace my VHS movies with DVDs?

Well, I did find a website that told me how I could probably 'fix' the VCR, so I took it apart (a TV/VCR combo itself) and I did my best to clean it. Finally, I did get it working again and it seems fine for now, but I don't know what I'll do when either of the VCRs really does die.

So, if you have an old, working VCR that you don't want any longer (or know someone who does) please let me know. It's an important part of my coping/survival strategy to be able to tape OPB programming at night and watch it at another time. I need to insure I will be able to do that in the future.

Relatedly, I'm working on a family history project which entails transcribing an oral history on cassette tape. I do have a walkman-style player which works, but it would be really, really helpful to have one with Review/Cue functionality. What this means is while on (play), I can press rewind and it scans back and starts playing again when play is released.

I've gone everywhere in Portland and have only found a table top player. I don't believe this will help much because I will lose the headphones, and the voice is not easy to understand -- the quality is also quite poor at times. A used table top unit might come in handy as backup, but a stereo style unit probably won't help.

If you have either of these and would like to dispose of them, please use this form to email me ASAP.

Modern Banking - How is this an improvement?

2007-07-08T00:32:00.000-07:00

Back in the old days -- the mid 80's -- when I worked in a Texas savings and loan as a teller, we were expected to handle 90% of customer transactions. Come to the window and the teller should be able to do whatever you need short of issue a credit card or mortgage loan. Of course if we couldn't help, we were reponsible for getting them right to the person who could.

I have not received a statement from Bank of America since September 2006. In January (or maybe late December) I called their Toll Free Customer Support number and was told "everything is okay." There was no reason they could see why mail wouldn't get to me. The even said they would mail out copies of the statements I hadn't recieved.

Now in July I've yet to get anything other than a replacement Debit card from the bank. I have to submit a copy of the statement with my Oregon Health Plan application, so I bit the bullet and decided to go and try to get the problem fixed.

After an hour in the bank, I had a piece of paper which may or may not be acceptable to the state, but that's another issue. Of course the branch was very busy and the wait was so long that Bank of America threw away at least 10 clients before me (these were names on the list that didn't respond when they were called), so the wait really wasn't that bad though the waiting area is so tiny it can hardly hold people.

The rest of the 45 minutes was spent 'solving' the problem. For some reason the bank decided suddenly it didn't have a street address any longer and rather communicate with me, it just stopped communicating. I supplied the information, but of course they fill out a piece of paper which will be picked up on Monday and go who knows where to be put in the system -- so there is no way to know that the problem is fixed. This took about 10 minutes.

The next issue was providing a current balance something official looking. In prior dealings with Oregon's Deptartment of Human Services they have refused to accept "Internet printouts", but this is the only thing the bank could offer.

So we then had to go through the pain of setting up online banking, but since I used to used their online banking system before they changed it 3 or so years ago, we had to recover that old log in information. Do bank employees have a quick way to do this? No, they have to used the same phone center support and wait on hold like the rest of us.

We did get through it all, but I have to wonder how on earth this type of solution is more efficient than the old fashioned person-to-person support we used to offer at the bank. At best, the bank took three to four times as long to fix the problem. That has to cost more. We set up an online account which I will probably never used again.

And conservatives want government to be run like business? Well, then imagine spending all afternoon at the DMV updating your address everytime you move.

Cracker Day (fka Independence Day)

2007-07-03T22:16:00.000-07:00

As I look around me, it is clear that Independence Day is no longer 4 July for the majority of Hillsboro's residents. No clearly, Independence Day is 16 September and even 5 May seem to be more important holidays than the 4th. But by some strange historical aberration, Oregonians aren't allowed to purchase fireworks to celebrate those holidays.

It is also quite clear that the only special interest group that benefits significantly from the holiday are the retailers of firecrackers, both legal, illegal, and notorious. Yes, this one day accounts for the vast majority of sales of such small explosive devices as Valentines accounts supports the florist and candy industries, and Christmas keeps retailers afloat for the next 9 months.

So it's time to forgo the other ancient traditions of celebrating the signing of the Declaration of Independence with parades, picnics, and baseball games much like celebrating the Winter Solstice or birth of the Christian Messiah in December or springtime fertility rights that gave rise to Easter have fallen from favor. After all, we completely ignore John Adams call to that the day "be commemorated as the day of deliverance, by solemn acts of devotion to God Almighty. It ought to be solemnized with pomp and parade, with shows, games, sports, guns, bells, bonfires, and illuminations, from one end of this continent to the other, from this time forward forever more."

How can people be expected to make patriotic displays when they feel as much if not more loyalty to another nation and view this one as a place to go to find work? Granted, it's not easy for them and they have little other choice, but if they aren't interested in our culture, why would they be interested in our most important political holiday?

Because it's only one of two times a year when they can legally buy and shoot off a small range of firecrackers. But clearly the large number of legal explosions provides perfect cover for the larger, more dangerous, and clearly more lucrative illicit firecracker trade. The police are too busy looking for drunks on the road to chase down even the loudest explosions.

Since it seems the ancient meaning of the day is morphing, maybe we can remember the dying majority that made this country what it is today with a new holiday -- Cracker Day!

As their sacred cows fall one by one: racial purity, publicly mandated Protestant observance, dispute resolution by violence, the sexual exploitation of children, senseless abuse of any weaker creature, and soon marriage for one man and one woman at one time, it looks like they will soon be memory moving to legend and eventually myth. What better symbol to remember all they stand for than the firecracker?

People can continue to march and gather for picnics and fondly remember the good ole days as they purchase firecrackers. The following generations will right the myths they will tell their grandchildren about the people that made this country for them. It's time someone did something to remember all those who made do with so little so that others could have so much that they don't know what to do with it.

Join the cry "Crackers for Crackers" and blow things up. What better way to remember?

XianJiro's Whine & Cheese Blog???

2007-07-01T21:55:00.000-07:00

Well construction smashed, crashed, banged, and scraped ahead all weekend long and the roof looks better. It's about as light as asphalt shingles can get so my hope is that it might keep us a bit cooler this summer. Even 5F lower inside the apartment would make a world of difference when we get close to 100F outside.

I'm still pretty run down and Robin's quickly losing it. He's clearly so worked up that he's taking it out on his body with non-stop chewing and scratching. While he might have gotten into something yesterday in the forest, it seems surprisingly excessive. I think he's just stressed out.

I got conflicting information about tomorrow. The workers still have to put the gutters up and the in-charge guy seemed to think it would take 2-3 hours. He told me on Saturday, "the gutters will be done Monday or Tuesday at the latest" but it is clear they want to finish sooner but neighbors were saying both "tomorrow" and "some time Tuesday or later." Then one started talking about painting… While the owner had mentioned painting last year, nothing has been said to me recently so I really do hope that the gutters will go up and that will be the end of this year's construction.

Hopefully it will then quiet down so that I can get some sleep. Sleeping when it hits 90F works for me.

Whine & Cheese Blog

As I have been fixing the broken links on my website, I've toyed with renaming the blog since I have to resubmit it to indexes and the like. But I don't think I'll do it. Since I've had a blog, I've used the name "Kore wa XianJiro no Blog Desu" (Japanese for "This is XianJiro's Blog." I truly love being original.) Seems good enough to me.

Additionally, the latest version of Blogger allows me to attach labels to entries. In time, that will allow me to classify posts and readers will be able to 'sort' the posts so they can focus on the posts that interest them. With that functionality, I'm inclined to reintegrate View - Read - Listen which I've never been able to get that excited about anyway. My intention is, rather than catalogue everything I watch, read, or listen to as I did on Jablog, I will just focus on writing about those things I really want to write about. I will then be able to provide Amazon.com purchase links to those items and maybe get some Amazon purchase credits to buy stuff. I don't know if I'll ever be posting enough that I will really need more than a single blog. Also, it will be simpler and easier to deal with, especially when it comes to hosting the thing.

Still wondering about "Whine & Cheese," huh? Well, I've always used my blog as a way to let of steam. Clearly some readers, especially those who don't know me or my situation, view it as whining. And yes, there is a bit of that. But as I've tried to get across to folks, I've gone from what I thought was a full, interesting, fun, and fulfilling life to something that no longer makes the pain, suffering and annoyance worthwhile. I still believe that there is some value in chronicling what it's like to be disabled without Disability, to live in poverty while not feeling particularly poor, to be alone without feeling lonely, and to be so busy doing nothing important that I'm never bored.

Yes, my life is a paradox and finding happiness is enigmatic. I continue to feel adrift since I have nothing to live for other than to just see another day. This, as I have stated, doesn't quite make up for all the stuff I hate about my life and have little power to change. I also realize that my situation is truly meaningless in the bigger picture, but if I can somehow communicate to folks what it feels like maybe it will help to change what we think of as our Social Safety Net.

Food

The one bright spot in my otherwise dull existence has been my decision to change what I eat. I've grown weary and suspicious of most of the food to be had at the supermarket. Think about it -- if you have ever baked cookies, you know they are basically flour, sugar, butter, and then you add whatever to give it flavor or change the texture. It's very simple. So why does the list of ingredients of store-bought cookies read like a chemical soup with double the number of items and including many which we have no idea what they are let alone can we pronounce them? Simply -- to lower the cost or increase shelf life. But do they taste any better?

So like elsewhere in my life, I've worked to simply my food. Instead of relying on canned soup, I try to make my own. Same goes with bread and muffins. And yes, it means paying more, but I think it's worth it when the food tastes better. Turkey is a good example. I buy deli meat now that has no additives and it tastes exactly like the turkey I bake in the winter. I still find I need to rely on canned goods so now I try to select ones without additives, especially all that unneeded salt.

I continue to allow myself a couple items which don't measure up to the new standard: I love Chocolate Oreos (and eat more than I should). My absolute favorite ice cream is Tillamook Mudslide and though I hate the long list of ingredients, I figure one or two (not-quite-a-)quart containers a month isn't going to ruin me and in fact provides a bit of happiness. I also still get store brand soda, but mostly I drink tea or water. Last, I buy a bag of candy for a month.

But the biggest change has been in two of my most beloved foods: chocolate and cheese. I now only buy 'gourmet' or organic chocolate bars. I usually get a couple each month. I used to really love dark chocolate, but have found that bitter and sour foods are much harder to take now. So I enjoy milk chocolates and my favorites have nuts.

Cheese on the other hand has been a huge change. While always claiming to 'love' cheese, I've never really ventured much further a field than Tillamook's better versions of the usual store cheeses found in American grocery stores. I never worried much about what I got since it all pretty much tastes the same, but any cheese turns a dull sandwich into something yummy.

Huntsman Revolution

Then I realized that I could get something called Huntsman -- an imported English cheese which combines Double Gloucester and Stilton. Wow, it was like waking from a lifelong nightmare! I started combing the shelves of the local markets trying anything that looked interesting but not too scary. I mean, I don't want anything smelly, right? I'm an American (genetically) and that fancy, stinky, foreign stuff will make me sick, won't it? What bull shit!!!

Then during lunch last October, a waiter mentioned that an upscale market in Portland carried something like 400 different cheeses. Since they don't have a store out here in Hellsboro quite yet, I started visiting the local New Seasons Cheese Department. I've gotten to know a guy who works there (THAT should tell you something right there) and I think he might even be stocking stuff I ask for. It's almost like an old-fashioned grocer-customer relationship…

I've now got a list of 65 cheeses from all over the world which I have tried. Don't misunderstand me, I don't take a free sample at New Seasons and then put it on my list. While I do take samples, it's mostly because they almost always have something to sample or to assure myself that I won't throw the cheese away after I get it home. Instead I prefer to bring it home and live with it for a while. Most cheeses change over time. Only a couple have been truly disappointing and a few have taken a few times to get used to the new flavors or textures. However, most I really enjoy and savor -- even the stinky stuff!

So now the nightly ritual is to make a cheese plate either instead of a meal or as a bedtime snack. Sometimes it's as simple as a couple crackers with a couple small pieces of cheese. Other nights I will have a huge mixture, but I rarely eat more than a few ounces at a time. It's kind of like those wine-geeks who spend all night tasting a bunch of different wines but never seem to drink a whole glass of anything.

Back to Whine & Cheese

So last night I thought I should write about a different cheese each week on the blog. Again, it would give me something to write about regularly and who knows, maybe folks will be interested to try something different from a local store. (After all, you can get books and visit websites that talk about hundreds or thousands of cheeses that rarely, if ever, make it to Oregon.) It would allow me to share with others something that has become quite important and enjoyable and maybe, just maybe, I might even make a new friend who shares this interest. [Yet that feels like asking for a miracle.]

But while we can buy exotic buffalo milk cheese from Sicily with our humble food stamps, wine and alcohol are strictly verboten. Rather than yet another Wine and Cheese Blog, I could set my blog apart by adding cheese reviews to my incessant whining. I still could use a bit of hard education though since I don't really know what they mean when they use those crazy descriptors - see cheese aficionados do basically the same thing as wine geeks, something like, "soft-white crust with a runny interior with a smoky-bacon flavor" even though the cheese isn't crusty, runny and certainly doesn't taste like bacon. Or how about "distinctive cheese with a mild, zingy, citrus taste with a delicate, goaty finish" - and they do mean goaty! My brother and I agree, trying to describe wine, and cheese, like that makes us want to say "oh what a lovely bouquet, just like a damp horse blanket allowed to ripen for three days under a pile of puppy-pee soaked newspapers with a hint of moldy lemon and mouse turd and a wonderful finish of toasted oak bark and squid anus."

I've been watching a program on PBS/OPB called "Uncorked" and I've actually learned a bit about wine. It's not that certain white wines are like drinking butter, but they have a quality that has reminded someone of butter and so it's become a term that people can learn, understand, and then use to communicate with each other. Clearly, it's nothing more than jargon and I feel I would benefit from learning some similar cheese jargon.

Then again, maybe not. I think I'd rather talk about cheese so that everyday folks can understand. I've never been much of a joiner and I can't imagine I'll be welcome at the Pumpkin Ridge Cheese Tasting Society given my lack of financial standing. Instead, I'd love to help others adventure forth and try the wonderful cheeses that do make the journey to Hillsboro and Portland. I do see how timid and overwhelmed most shoppers are as they approach the case at New Seasons. They do get lots of help from the employees, but I know I do better when I make a list of 10 things and track down 5 I'd like to try. That works better for me than asking "so which of these cheeses is good?"

Coming soon…

Website fix coming along

2007-06-30T01:38:00.000-07:00

I would say most of the internal workings of the website have been repaired. It's been a bit of pain trying to remember all that HTML form way back when. But at least it's taken care of.

Now all I have to do is go through all the links to other websites and find new links for all those that are broken. That's a rather time consuming proposition, but I'm sure I'll get to it at some point.

Oh, no work done on the apartment today. Either they are really lazy bums or it rained too hard today (.04") or it rained too hard yesterday (.34"). I'm guessing they will try and make up for it with a reduced crew tomorrow which should mean an all together longer project. So does one count the days actually worked or how long one's life is upset when figuring out how long this stuff lasts?

Is This Domain For Sale?

2007-06-29T03:30:00.000-07:00

NOT REALLY, NOW PISS OFF!!!

Jesus Christ, why the fuck do people think that every domain name is for sale? Well, that is, if I'm actually getting real emails from real people and not just more fucking spam. I used to actually try to engage in conversations with people sending me these emails, but now that I'm just getting "is this domain for sale? Email me with the details..." I bet it's just spam.

Then of course there are the vultures out there who would actually offer $300 for the domain name. I got better things to do than talk to these fools. Leave me the fuck alone? Okay.

Now, that's not to say that I won't entertain a serious offer, but it's got to be SERIOUS and given all the spam I get, that is going to need to have SPECIFICS. Before I bother there needs to be something verifiable that says this is a real person and they should start out with an offer or else I have to conclude it's spam.

Yes, if the price is right, just about everything is for sale, but not everyone likes to engage in friendly banter about 'what do you want for it.' Again, to those folks, all I want to say is PISS OFF!

And I really don't give a rats ass that you think you are somehow more entitled to the domain than I am or that I'm not using it 'enough' or in some way that others find valid. Sorry buddy, but I beat you to it. And besides, someone actually beat me to the domain name I originally wanted some 10 years ago. That's just the way it goes. I'm sure there are plenty of Green organizations who think they Amazon.com should be their URL, but it isn't and no matter what, the folks who run that company won't care that "buy giving us this URL you will save the planet."

Give us all a big fucking break!

All Clear?

2007-06-29T03:26:00.000-07:00

Well, not exactly, not really. But if this post 'takes' then at least the blog will be working again. Then all I have to do is check all the old links to make sure everything is pointing to the right place.

I'm not sure what all has happened, but Blogger has updated it's software and not only did I have to change the URL's (thanks to Seagull hosing xianjiro.xjs.com) but I had to change the way Blogger accessed files. Once things settle down and I'm sure the blog is updating and reachable from the website, then I have to find all the duplicate files Blogger created and delete them from the server. The joys of technology....

Why Is Everything So Damn Difficult?

2007-06-29T02:13:00.000-07:00

I'm getting so very frustrated with most things on the internet -- and with technology in general. Instead of anything getting easier to do, it's always getting more and more difficult. Everything needs a password but no one has the same rules of what equals an acceptable password so if I don't log on daily, I very soon forget which password to use for what.

Then there is the complete disconnect with real people. You simply can't get help from a knowledgable human who speaks English so that I can understand and who is interested in helping solve the problems. That's the main reason the website has been fucked up for so long -- I asked for help to resolve a problem the system admin created but I get no where, no response, no help. So basically I'm having to redo everything because they won't put things back the way they were.

It's getting harder and harder for me to care about anything. I am afraid that very soon I will completely stop and that will mean the inevitable will be soon at hand. Well, let's see if this post works....

Don't Know What to Say

2007-01-30T14:08:00.001-08:00

While there is a lot going on in my mind, I hardly know what to talk about any longer. I'm tired, in pain, and feel like there is no privacy any more. It's annoying the hell out of me.

I've got yet another new neighbor. She seems to be the kind of person who has never figured out how to live in an apartment. Luckily she doesn't have a stereo, but does she always have to slam the door? I can be in the bedroom -- the farthest place in my apartment away from hers -- listening to the TV and yet I always know when she comes and goes.

Additionally with the crappy weather we have had this winter it seems like the neighborhood is way too noisy. I am really curious if it will seem quieter when the rains finally return. I know I'll be more likely to go out then since that should decrease the likelihood of being molested by lonely neighbors just dying to find someone to talk to.

Other than that, I'm just my usual self except that I've lost most desire.

Stopping the Homosexual Agenda in Penguins

2006-11-22T00:36:00.000-08:00

Yes folks, if homophobia isn't causing enough trouble in the world, imagine parents getting upset over a non-fictional account of two male penguins 'adopting' an egg and raising the offspring. Hmmm, this is telling us something.

I've ordered this book from the library. I'll tell you what I think about it in a couple of days.

Ill. parents protest "gay penguin" storybook
A picture book about two male penguins raising a baby penguin is getting a chilly reception among some parents in southern Illinois who worry about the book's availability to children -- and the reluctance of school administrators to restrict access to it.

The concerns are the latest involving "And Tango Makes Three," the illustrated children's book based on a true story of two male penguins in New York City's Central Park Zoo that adopted a fertilized egg and raised the chick as their own.

Complaining about the book's homosexual undertones, some parents of Shiloh Elementary School students believe the book -- available to be checked out of the school's library in this town of 11,000 20 miles east of St. Louis -- tackles topics their children aren't ready to handle.

Their request: Move the book to the library's regular shelves and restrict it to a section for mature issues, perhaps even requiring parental permission before a child can check it out.

For now, "And Tango Makes Three" will stay put, said school district Superintendent Jennifer Filyaw, though a panel she appointed suggested the book be moved and require parental permission to be checked out. The district's attorney said moving it might be construed as censorship.

Filyaw considers the book "adorable" and age appropriate, written for children ages 4 to 8.

"My feeling is that a library is to serve an entire population," she said. "It means you represent different families in a society -- different religions, different beliefs."

Lilly Del Pinto thought the book looked charming when her 5-year-old daughter brought it home in September. Del Pinto said she was halfway through reading it to her daughter "when the zookeeper said the two penguins must be in love."

"That's when I ended the story," she said.

Del Pinto said her daughter's teacher told her she was unfamiliar with the book, and the school's librarian directed the mother to Filyaw.

"I wasn't armed with pitchforks or anything. I innocently was seeking answers," Del Pinto said, agreeing with Filyaw's belief that pulling the book from the shelves could constitute censorship.

The book has created similar flaps elsewhere. Earlier this year, two parents voiced concerns about the book with librarians at the Rolling Hills' Consolidated Library's branch in the northwest Missouri town of Savannah.

Barbara Read, Rolling Hills' director, has said she consulted with staff members at the Omaha, Neb., and Kansas City zoos and the University of Oklahoma's zoology department, who told her adoptions aren't unusual in the world of penguins.

She said the book was then moved to the nonfiction section because it was based on actual events. In that section, she said, there was less of a chance that the book would "blindside" someone. (Jim Suhr, AP)