~ kore wa xianjiro no blog desu ~

Website Saved?

2009-10-28T15:30:00.000-07:00

I'm not exactly clear on the details but my website and email may have been down some time from Monday - Wednesday, October 26-28th. For some reason my domain renewal was delayed. However, I'm glad to say that it looks like this has been remedied and the website, blog, domain, and email saved for at least another year.

While I still need to see confirmation on the Whois Database, I'm certain this will be forthcoming.

I apologize for an inconvenience, annoyance, misplaced hopes or other feelings this may have caused. I've still got plans for my website and have no intention of relinquishing it as long as I have a say in the matter.

What Hillsboro's Mayor Really Needs to Know

2009-10-20T19:11:00.000-07:00

But couldn't be bothered hearing.

I am reading with utter horror Mr Willey's comments in the October 16th Argus. I am a Hillsboro resident, taxpayer, and voter and MR WILLEY DOES NOT SPEAK FOR ME! I've tried to communicate repeatedly with the Mayor and City Council and it's clear, they don't care what citizen's think. They have their own economic and social agendas they are going to ram down the populace's collective throat.

Here are Hillsboro's most pressing problems:

Racial/Economic Segregation – There is a rich, mostly white Hillsboro and poor, mostly Hispanic Hillsboro. They don't mix. They don't really want to mix and it's very much a two-way street.
Hillsboro is a community of Rabbit Warren Neighborhoods designed around and for automobiles – pedestrians beware. If you are don't have a car, you are simply not wanted in Hillsboro.
City and County leadership, if it can be called that, are an 'old boy's club' of moneyed interests that are always looking out for themselves and their buddies at the expense of the citizens. I mean, what was the Fairgrounds Giveaway really other than easy money for developers? And what are these political junkets to Latin America and Europe but free vacations for Hillsboro's 'elected' officials? And don't even get me started and the tax breaks and corporate giveaways to 'attract' big corporations just long enough for the free tax ride to expire and the jobs to mysteriously vanish. What has this city done to keep the doors open at Hillsboro's small business employers? NOTHING! And every time I go out to visit one of these stores, I'm greeted with a going or gone out of business sign. But of course how many millions were spent on the Taj Mahal (aka the new city hall) so the Mayor and City Council could have a Starbucks in the building. We see where this government's priorities are – you wear them on your shirtsleeves.
City and County leadership is living in some never-never-land where they somehow see this area bucking the trends of our larger region and being some Los Angeles style oasis of urban sprawl and suburban decay. We need leaders who fight to keep the crappy transit system we used to have, not to bend over and take it when TriMet says Hillsboro no longer needs weekend or evening bus service in the neighborhoods. Portland and its neighborhood associations fought and kept much of their proposed cuts. But not Hillsboro. No, they want a new freeway and one train and one bus is good enough for all 100,000 residents.
Technology is not the panacea. More factories will not make Hillsboro better. After all, it seems your beloved Solar World might be the place where the noxious fumes originate that make the nighttime air disgusting to breath. Some of us do value things like parks, farms and wild areas and I would really rather eat food produced locally than more corporate junk food brought in from Indonesia or Brazil at the expense of what's left of this planet's tropical rain forest. Did you ever bother to think this is just as important to me as jobs, jobs and more jobs – and please give the exact number of Hillsboro residents (not transplants) who have been hired by Solar World. And how many have been imported from other states and countries? And how many are driving in their car alone each and every day from Portland, Wilsonville, Vancouver, or Vernonia?

Get a clue! Pay attention to what citizens think and at least try and communicate with voters or you will have an opponent in the next election. We desperately need a real discussion of issues in this city.

But don't come off all high and mighty, like you have all the answers when all you really are is the guy who got be Mayor because – was it because you cut a deal so you'd get to run unopposed or was there really no one in this City willing to step and take a bit of responsibility? I find the latter a bit hard to believe so that seems to only leave the former.

Why I Didn't Visit Downtown Portland Businesses Yesterday

2009-10-20T05:36:00.000-07:00

Dear TriMet

Today I had two hours to kill while waiting in downtown Portland. In the past, I would have traveled 1/2 block to the nearest corner, hopped on a bus, and spent the time, and maybe a bit of money, at Pioneer Place or one of the many other businesses in Downtown Portland.

However, now that I either have to pay to ride a bus downtown a couple of blocks or have to travel eight times as far to get the train for free, I chose to stay at the office and read a book I did NOT buy in Portland.

Thank you TriMet for saving me from spending money with downtown merchants today (and honestly, many days in the future). I'm going to make sure they know they missed out on business each and every time your Fareless Square destruction affects how I spend my money.

By the way, I'm in a manual wheelchair, so each and every extra block comes at a price worth much, much more than you seem able to comprehend.

Why Web2.0 Sucks

2009-07-19T03:19:00.000-07:00

Digital Divide Still a Problem

Since the much ballyhooed second phase of the Internet has been foisted on both those who love and those who despise it, one thing seems sure, the real benefit is for those who make the big bucks.

Oh sure, any idiot can sign up for a MysPage account and fill it up with lots of flashing, moving text or maybe a Blooger account is more their style since it makes it really easy to dump a string of 50+ 29 Meg photos in a single page -- a page which never actually loads, even on computers with a decent Internet connection.

But hey, if you just change everything around every other month, no one will notice that they aren't really getting anything from the "new and improved" Internet. And in the era of 140 character text-bites, string together a series of soundbites and you have a modern conversation. But don't u 4get ur stupid abs or ur in ds & while were at it forget punc 2 just type and if u spel a wurd wrong it just means that ur reader is 2 stupid 2 understand right its kinda lyk entertaining babys or kats -- bright flashing colors keep interst 4 5 sex & then they move on2 da next viral craze & aitn dat wut da Net is allabuot2dayanywayheyicansayevenmoreifileaveouttheyspacesfuckyouifyoucantreaditright -- IT'S WEB2.0, All Style and No Substance! Oh wait, to be really Web2.0, I need to make a video of myself saying this while flashing all sorts of hand gestures...

It seems like every few months I get this message that I need to upgrade either my version of PDF or Flash or Shockwave. But what makes it really fun is to do that, I first have to upgrade to a "supported" operating system and of course THAT requires the purchase of a new machine. So, in other words, to take advantage of all the 'interactivity' that makes Web2.0 so 'wonderful', one has to buy in to the endless cycle of consumerism. Not only do you have to pay $30+ to access the Internet, but you also have to buy a new computer and operating system every 3 years or so.

And what really happens to your last computer, I mean, if you can't use it any longer? You are responsible and give it the appropriate agency for recycling right? Then it's dumped into a container and shipped overseas where industrious people will first find a way to access everything stored on your hard drive. Don't worry, just because you can't pay someone to make your hard drive work doesn't mean that they won't figure out a way.

After that, everything gets partitioned out. What can be sold on the streets of the 3rd World is. The rest is sold for scrap were some child will lose the rest of his or her life by melting off the plastic in a fire or submerging other parts into acid baths for pennies a day. All they are trying to get is the base metals which can be sold by their employers for currency. Who knows, maybe the gold in your wedding band came out of someone else's computer and a 10 year old girl in India is dying today because she was trying to earn money for food.

So why isn't your 10-year-old piece of junk being donated to a school or used by a local charity? For exactly the same reason you got rid of it in the first place! If it didn't do what you needed -- surf the Net, send text messages, and display uToob videos -- why do you think it will suddenly do it for someone else?

But the same people who drive huge SUVs, pickups and mini-vans and start whining when gas goes over $3/gallon are often the same people who can't live without their uToob videos and MysPage account. Yes, many are also young, and unable to think for themselves -- "all my friends have it and if I don't I won't have a social life." Gee, that's what I said when I was 10 and we didn't have a TV or when I was 15 and didn't have the money for whatever clothing was 'must have' that day.

As long as people keep purchasing, the beast continues to be fed. What if people in the developed world just refused to upgrade any more? What if they just continued to make what they have work? Well, the most obvious thing is developers would start to wonder why so few people were buying or downloading their latest 50 Meg Upgrade which actually does less worse than before. They know a lot about their users hardware and software and if enough people don't upgrade, they'll get the picture. And even if they don't, I promise you enterprising programmers will come right along and will write BETTER software, software that will continue to work on all computers out there.

Also, I encourage people to let webmasters know that they would like to visit the webmaster's website, but they can't because the webmaster has set the bar way to high. While some won't give a rat's ass, others, like your local government website, will notice. If they hear from enough people who can't use the website because they don't have a fancy enough computer, they will have to change how business is done.

After all, an April 2009 Pew Internet & American Life Project study suggest only 63% of Americans have broadband at home. And while many see local libraries as filling the gap for the remaining 37%, just how much can one do at a computer terminal without speakers and where one is limited to an hour or two at the most each day?

It's time for Nancy's daughter to launch a War on Needless Upgrades!

Washington County Park = Oxymoron

2009-07-19T01:36:00.000-07:00

It's amazing that the 5th most populous county in the Pacific Northwest only has three minor areas set aside as parkland outside of city parks departments and the large, east county Tualatin Parks District.

Of course Henry Hagg lake largely exists as the source of Hillsboro, Forest Grove, and Cornelius' water supply. I do congratulate local scouts for taking the initiative to protect and start development of Eagle Landing. No idea how Metzger Park ended up protected and not developed. After all, that seems to be the only thing the Washington County Commission seems to understand.

Could it be commissioners don't profit from development of parkland wereas maybe housing, commercial and industrial developers offer some sort of 'other' compensation to Washington County's elected officials, like campaign contributions? I wonder what other types of benefits commissioners get -- free vacations? free cars? free college educations for kids? All have been popular with politicos in year's past.

And given the current lack of leadership the commission displays on anything other than development -- and they seem to be leading the drive in the Metro area for the defeat of the Urban Growth Boundary and Public Transit west of Beaverton, it's no wonder that the area continues to suffer.

But what else can we expect from Portland's "All Flash and No Substance" county?

Google Hates Fags

2009-06-30T15:06:00.000-07:00

Wow! President Obama can commemorate the 40th Anniversary of the Stonewall Riots at the White House with openly out Americans but Google chooses to completely ignore America's Lesbian, Gay, Bi and Trans community.

As best I can tell, Google has NEVER posted any LBGT-themed Holiday Logo, even though every June is Gay Pride Month in most of the civilized world and Pride is observed just up the road from Google's Silicon Valley HQ.

Wow, I guess Google is really run by a bunch of flaming homophobes.....

Adams and Obama

2009-01-24T22:50:00.000-08:00

Wow! Could more have happened this week and could it be more confusing?!? It's almost like Election Day all over again -- Most candidates win but Prop 8 passes in California. Now we've got a stunning start to President Obama's term while Portland Out Gay Mayor is struggling for his political career. UGH, can't we ever get anything good without a major dose of bad to wash it down?!?

For those who haven't heard, it seems that Portland's Mayor asked some folks to lie for him when facing questions about a sexual liaison he had. Instead of saying, "I had sex with an adult and really it's not any of your business," he chose to say he only "mentored" a young man.

Well, now the facts got too hard to deny and so Mayor Adams has admitted he lied about his relationship with another politician's intern. But of course that doesn't stop the media from implying that he lied about having sex with a minor. So now we have a police investigation into the facts and that will tell us one thing, but still folks are pretty upset just about the lie.

My takes is, if Adams resigns, then he really did do something bad and it's only a matter of time before that comes out. If he stays put, then he had sex with an adult and will have to work extra hard to get voters to forget that he lied about his sex life. To be honest, I think most Portlanders could care less who politician sleep with as long as they aren't minors or, and this is really where I think this thing gets sticky, people under the politician.

As I posted on Gay Rights Watch:

...is this really the proper thing for a mentor to be doing with the people he is mentoring? Do we think bosses should sleep with their employees? Should professors sleep with students? Or maybe what people really want to say is that these are exactly the types of relationships that SHOULD NOT be sexual because later on it is much harder to understand why a mentor has made a certain choice introduction, or why an employee received a promotion or raise, or why a student got a high grade. Unfortunately, you don’t have to be be rightwing to view this as an abuse of trust by an individual in a position of power. This is something that I think IS troubling people about this “scandal.”

Too bad the Media can't figure out a way to have THAT discussion.

ON TO GOOD NEWS

Since King George II took the White House in 2001 I've adopted a very off-hands approach to following politics. I figure whatever will happen will happen and it's not worth getting too worked up about. So I laid low and explained why I couldn't vote for Obama but what a difference winning the election makes!

Only two clicks into the new White House website you find the Obama Administrations Civil Right Agenda. The bottom half of the page has a heading "Support for the LGBT Community" and lists the following:

Expand Hate Crimes Statutes: ... include violent hate crimes perpetrated because of race, color, religion, national origin, sexual orientation, gender identity, or physical disability ...
Fight Workplace Discrimination: ... anti-discrimination employment laws should be expanded to include sexual orientation and gender identity ...
Support Full Civil Unions and Federal Rights for LGBT Couples: ... that give same-sex couples legal rights and privileges equal to those of married couples ... enact legislation that would ensure that the 1,100+ federal legal rights and benefits currently provided on the basis of marital status are extended to same-sex couples in civil unions and other legally-recognized unions ...
Oppose a Constitutional Ban on Same-Sex Marriage...
Repeal Don't Ask-Don't Tell: ... The key test for military service should be patriotism, a sense of duty, and a willingness to serve. Discrimination should be prohibited ...
Expand Adoption Rights: ... ensure adoption rights for all couples and individuals, regardless of their sexual orientation ...
Promote AIDS Prevention: ... implement a comprehensive national HIV/AIDS strategy ... increase access to care and reduce HIV-related health disparities ... age-appropriate sex education that includes information about contraception, combating infection within our prison population through education and contraception, and distributing contraceptives through our public health system ... lifting the federal ban on needle exchange ... confront the stigma -- too often tied to homophobia -- that continues to surround HIV/AIDS.
Empower Women to Prevent HIV/AIDS: ... accelerate the development of products that empower women in the battle against AIDS ...

Gee, if only they would have said that on the campaign site, they would have had me a long time ago!!!

But seriously, I've really wanted to wait to see what the administration does, not really what it says it will do and so far so good! Granted, nothing particularly of import to the LBGTQ community has happened, but here are the things I am excited about:

Hillary Rodham Clinton as Secretary of State
Suspension of Guantanamo trials, limiting the use of torture in interrogation, and close the base in a year
Lifting the ban on Federal funding to NGOs that also provide abortions
Named George Mitchell "Special Envoy for Middle East peace" and Richard Holbrooke as special representative to Pakistan and Afghanistan
Instructed all agencies and departments to "adopt a presumption in favor" of Freedom of Information Act requests
Telephoned Prime Minister Olmert of Israel, President Mubarak of Egypt, King Abdallah of Jordan and President Abbas of the Palestinian Authority
Revoked Executive Order 13233, which had ... limit[ed] access to the records of former United States Presidents

Info taken from BBC and Wikipedia

Not bad for a start, huh? The only thing I was disappointed with is his administration's stated unwillingness to open a dialog with Hamas. Okay, I'll bow to their superior information on that one, but I really would have liked them to willing to talk to any legitimate organization actively working against American policy. Who knows, if progress starts again, then maybe Hamas will change in order to get to talk, especially when other people are invited to the table (say, maybe like Iran and whoever takes control in North Korea).

All in all, I think they are setting the right tone and not just saying how they will be different from the last administration but already doing things differently. So, now it's up to Congress. Will they play ball or do they think the President's too big for his britches?

Stop Censoring America's Best and Brightest

2008-11-10T17:18:00.000-08:00

I recently sent this to Oregon Public Broadcasting in the hope they would share it with decision makers at PBS. Bleeping out words from an almost operatic piece from the pen of non other than Leonard Bernstein just seemed way beyond the pale. After all, this is clearly not a program aimed at a young market.

I've seen shows over the last years -- this is a big hint as to the most likely culprit -- which have pixeled out the back sides of beach goers in the Caribbean as well as the brests of women in famous works of art. But they won't stop there, they now bleep out any expletives or phrases that refer to Christian figures that are not, let's say, worshipful or statement of religious history. In other words, "Oh, God!" is bleeped but "God made the world" isn't.

Imagine listening to a member of a prior Presidential administration telling you about this or that historical experience when we once again narrowly averted disaster. If such a leader would say something like "I couldn't believe he'd do that. I mean Christ, what was he thinking?" even a past President would now be censored on PBS.

And try to watch a show about our children fighting for this administration in Iraq and Afghanistan. Hell, every other word is "fuck" so you get something like, "I couldn't BLEEP believe the stupid BLEEP BLEEP threw the BLEEP thing across the BLEEP road and nearly BLEEP hit the BLEEP sergeant between her fat BLEEP BLEEP."

Yes, it's time for a change...

Please pass this message up the PBS chain as appropriate -- I have no idea who to address my frustrations to.

I have noticed an overwhelming amount of verbal censorship in programs I watch on OPB/PBS. I am an adult, I don't need some bureaucrat sitting in some office on the other side of the country deciding what my ears should hear and what they shouldn't. Now that someone has made the decision that programs should censor something that might offend a certain religious minority in this country, even that is bleeped out.

Right now I'm watching a 90th Birthday Celebration of Leonard Bernstein's music. Personally, if he as one of this countries most respected and venerated composer/lyricists feels that to make his point he needed to use some for of expletive, then I as a free adult American should have the right to listen to his work as he intended. To censor such work, as well as the words of historical personages on such programs as American Experience shows that certain people feel they must parent every American.

I'm sick and tired of religious people telling me what I can hear. I neither agree with their justification for their censorship nor with their seeming right to inflict upon non-believers their religious moral framework. For me, Freedom of Religion should mean that I should be allowed to chose my own religious sensibilities.

By now, most Americans who really care so much about their precious ears being sullied by the words of America's best and brightest, and believe it or not, some of the darlings of the Neo-Conservative Movement have been taped using a four letter word or two, have been more than happy to go out and buy a V-Chip equipped TV or whatever more modern device they chose to bring television into their homes.

Therefore, isn't it time to lighten up on the pedantic policing of information broadcast to the nation's adults?

Maybe It's Worse To Be Ignored

2008-11-04T23:35:00.000-08:00

As unbelievable as it could seem, during this night of wonderful win after wonderful win, as the news repeats "Mandate" like a mantra, I'm wondering how other LBGTQ voters are feeling tonight. I'm sure many are caught up in the Blue State Parties nationwide, but I'm guessing that my brothers and sisters in California are having a tough night.

It's a tough night for me. I didn't want to turn on the news, but just couldn't resist. Yes, I'm glad that I was able to hear both McCain and Obama's speeches. Maybe their messages point to new days ahead, but like one talking head mentioned, it seems like the country has set it expectations high -- in other words, the only person who might be able to meet them wears a cape to work every day, not a business suit.

Two years from now, will we be burning Obama in effigy since he hasn't given us everything we want? Or will we also learn some patience and wait for things to be argued thoroughly so that we come to good solutions. I'm tired of convenient compromises that seem to give everyone a tiny something and yet just plain fall short of solving the problems most of us agree need solutions.

Earlier tonight, I was actually thinking to myself that with an Obama win and the predicted coat-tails sweeping a new Congress into Washington, AND a win on Proposition 8 in California (plus a rumored Gay Marriage Law in New York in the next year) then maybe gays and lesbians might not be forgotten when we talk about all Americans sitting at the table.

But with just under 50% of the California vote reported, as I prepare to go to bed, it doesn't look that good. 53.3% of California voters really don't believe that gays and lesbians deserve to have their relationships protected let alone honored, at least not equally. I have to wonder what will happen in our most populous state -- will those who married this past year have any legal redress or will their marriage certificates be like those issued in Multnomah County - "VOID - No Refunds." No rights.

It's hard to live without hope that tomorrow will be better. Somehow, many Americans have found hope again. It's rather odd that anyone could be hopeful simply because of who won an election. After all, all those on the Right, the religious and fiscally conservative and the hawkish, felt they had actually won eight short years ago when they overran the streets with their "Sore Loserman" signs. Will it be four or eight years before they will be touting the first woman President. After all, Palin seemed to be about the only bright spot for the Republicans this election season, it's hard to believe, that with a Moderate like McCain so roundly rejected, that anyone lacking Palin's Evangelical credentials will carry that party to the White House again in my lifetime.

Yes, it's hopeful to see that this election wasn't stolen from us. Yes, it's wonderful that a backroom deal didn't thwart the will of the people. But all we really are saying is that finally, after 232 years, maybe the republic really can be a government "of the people, by the people, and for the people." We have to hope that our next leader won't sell out the ideals he has promised us he will govern by for yet another piece of convenient compromise legislation gutted of the change the people have demanded and replaced with pork barrel spending projects.

At least. being the one hopeless American who didn't support Obama, I imagine that I'll be the last one cutting him slack even if he forgets about me. Lord knows I wouldn't want to be him. I think few jobs could be harder and I've got a nasty sinking feeling the bad news isn't over yet. But maybe with Americans engaged and responsive, we can move forward.

Well, the situation in California continues to tighten -- those against gay marriage have slipped to 53.1% of the vote. It will probably be close and my guess is that it will be the news in a day or two. Then it will be back to the daily grind of deaths in Iraq, the continued Wall Street slid for lack of long-term thinking (and way too much short-term profit taking), Americans dying from the lack of health care, a transportation system held together with chewing gum and sticky tape. And lest I forget, we still have to overcome an energy policy based on foreign oil, tax policy that favors the rich to the detriment of working and poor Americans, illegal immigration, as well as a continuing war with religious fundamentalists. And don't forget, some of us want to be fully equal Americans -- gay marriage may be temporarily forgotten, but it's not gone.

Hey Senator McCain, don't forget you promised to help...but then what's one Maverick surrounded by a despondent party back on the skids. The mind reals....

Why I Couldn't Vote for Obama

2008-11-01T18:36:00.001-07:00

Or Why I Voted Nader in 2008

Imagine me running for the White House with no clear policy on education reform. You might find something I had said about it on my immense website if you worked hard enough, but otherwise you would have to rely on a proxy to tell you that I really felt that education was the responsibility of parents and local government should be left to make decisions.

Imagine in various Education Special Interest venues, people reported me saying that I supported a good education for every American but when I spoke in front of this or that group, I said I supported a far reaching proposal to create special schools for racial minority children where they would receive an education "at least as good as" what the racial majority children get. This way we could be address the problems of educational discrimination.

How would you feel if you were told to vote for me?

I would hope that you wouldn't be fooled into accepting "separate but equal" for any of America's children. And yet most American's are still happy to accept "separate but equal" for gay relationships and any children living in them.

But this is, in fact, what the Obama campaign has asked Gay Americans to accept. If you go to the issues page at BarrackObama.com, it's hard to see where equal rights for sexual minorities fits his campaign's view of the issues. We don't merit a mention under Civil Rights or Family. Maybe we're included under Foreign Relations -- because that's just how I feel the Obama campaign has treated the LBGTQ community this election cycle.

Oh yeah, I know he's happy to speak to gay groups here and there and tell them they have nothing to worry about but the real fact is the Democrat Party and Obama's Campaign take for granted that LBGTQ voters will vote for them without question. After all, the Republican's are openly hostile to our concerns and we were their favorite tool of division and derision in 2004. This year the McCain camp seems to be using us as a way to prove to wavering voters that a vote for Obama is a vote for Gay Marriage and the Gay Agenda. I don't think anything could be further from the truth, but when has truth been an issue in an election?

Nationally, I feel LBGTQ Americans are in about the same position as they were pre-Clinton when no one wanted to talk about us. Will either of these candidates fight to end "Don't Ask, Don't Tell?" Will either of these candidates be willing to say the Federal government needs to address legalized marriage in California, most of New England, and maybe even New York (if Dems take predicted control of the state Senante)? I doubt it.

Thus it was hard for me to decide how to vote this year. I tried to figure out which candidate most closely tracked with my views on those issues both critical and important to me and I had to go Nader. Granted, I don't think has a snow ball's chance but neither does McCain at this point. So unlike 2000, when I feared a Bush Presidency more than anything, this time I voted my conscience.

Go to "Equal Rights for Gays and Lesbians" and you'll see Nader still supports us

The Nader campaign supports full equal rights for gays and lesbians. While civil unions are a step in the right direction under current federal and state law, they do not afford full and equal rights. There are 1,049 federal rights that are only conferred with marriage. Additionally, at the state level, a civil union is only recognized in the state where it occurs, while a legal marriage, and all the rights that go with it, is recognized in all the states. Thus, the only way to ensure full equal rights is to recognize same-sex marriage.

And no, I want neither Biden nor Palin a heart-attack away from the Presidency.

Hallelujah

2008-09-20T19:29:00.000-07:00

SUMMER'S DONE!

Well, if the weather forecast is any indication, it looks like this summer is finally history and none too soon if you ask me. Days in the upper 60s or lower 70s, chance of rain (of course, the day I will be wheeling myself to the doctor -- bet it rains) but the heat is gone.

I'm back to sleeping nights and hopefully things will settle down. I've picked up a stack of puzzles on the cheap from Goodwill and a garage sale. It's been years since I worked puzzles and I forgot how much I enjoy them, but then they do take up the entire dining room table. It's hard to understand, but this apartment has always felt small and tight. I can't imagine setting up a card table for the puzzle. Where would I put it?!?

I'm probably watching fewer movies these days and even though I do have trouble with my eyes, I'm eagerly trying to read more. I continue studying Shakespeare though Macbeth is taking a long time since there has been a lot written about Macbeth. I guess Hamlet will also take a few months to work through. Hmm, maybe that will be my next definitive ranking -- The works of Shakespeare From Best to Worst.

Still, the dog doesn't get the exercise he wants and needs. My legs have been doing better than they were, say, a year ago, but recently trouble sleeping has lead to a huge increase in weakness and pain. It all stems from that 12 hours of sleep a night...

And that's really why I'm happy summer's gone.

The Problem With Today's Web

2008-09-18T05:36:00.001-07:00

I've really thought quite highly about the site that this post is from. It helped connect a small group of bloggers in a way no one really is interested in doing -- locally. However, like everything, it takes time and lots of effort and rarely seems to pay off.

It's not like ORBlogs wasn't in it for the long haul. Five and a half years seems like forever on the web today, but as each new technology comes along and every couple of years one bubbles to the top as the next big thing, then it seems like all the other stuff is left for the spammers to devour.

Clearly, Paul only deserves kudos for what he tried to do and while many are happy to jump into -- what's that new crap like FakeBook called? -- what about the rest of us who aren't ready to gobble up everything we are fed by the international marketing machine that runs Planet Earth today? He seems to sum it all up better than I could.

So what will happen to all the little people who made the web -- you know, we were the Person of the Year a couple years back -- the most exciting way for an individual to speak his mind and for people from all over the world to see what she might have to say.

But alas, even those of us who resist most are forced to change no matter how much we might fight. THAT seems to be the truth about life today.

ORblogs is Closed

Thank you for reading and contributing to the site. ORblogs has stopped gathering post excerpts from Oregon blogs, though the current weblog directory will be available for another 30 days.

When I started ORblogs in March 2003, there weren't many good ways to find bloggers living in a particular area. And because I had recently moved to Corvallis, I wanted to learn what I could from people living near me. The site personally put me in touch with bloggers across the state, taught me a lot about Oregon and its cities (including Corvallis), and I hope the site did the same for others. I feel ORblogs served an important role for Oregon blogging by gathering independent voices across all spectrums into one place where everyone shared a common geography.

I'm shutting ORblogs down now because the site continues to grow and the job of maintaining the site at the level I feel is necessary to keep it valuable has grown with it, putting it out of the bounds of a hobby. I wasn't able to make ORblogs self-sustaining financially (let alone turn it into a job), and I can no longer devote the time to the site that it needs to grow. Blogging has changed significantly in five years, and blogging is no longer a hobby for many—it's a job. Commercial blogging isn't as interesting to me as the personal web and that factored into my decision as well.

Thanks again for making ORblogs what it has been over the years. Please take a last look through the directory, find your favorite Oregon blogs, and subscribe to them in your newsreader if you haven't already. There are some spectacular voices in Oregon blogging that I will now have to read another way. I still believe it's important to read locally while I read globally, and I hope you agree and continue to make the effort.

— Paul Bausch (9/4/2008)

My Ranking of Bond Films to Date

2008-09-18T05:36:00.000-07:00

From Russia With Love Stuns Goldfinger,
Octopussy Miffed

Being a Bond fan most of my life, I have watched most of the canonical Bond films at least twice (Die Another Day is the only film holding this dishonour) and most of the films more times than I can remember to count. Therefore, I have the right, nee the responsibility, to release my definitive ranking of James Bond 007 films to date. Please, please, no thanks are needed and while I encourage other aficionados to publish rankings of their own, I could care less if you think me the world's greatest prat because I like The Living Daylights more than Thunderball. So keep the flames where they belong, down on Stark Stret, but fee free to ask if you really are curious why I feel the way I do.

Note: My rankings are as of today and possibly subject to change upon continued reviewing of source material. IMDb Rankings are as of 17 September 2008 and will change and may be quite different than what you see when you visit their webpage three years hence. Inclusion here is not meant to indicate approval or any other such nonsense and all that legal-like drivel that websites are keen to throw at users.

My Rank	Title	Year	Actor	Director	Own	My Rating	IMDb Rating	IMDb Rank
1	From Russia with Love	1963	Sean Connery	Terence Young	VHS	9	7.5	3
2	Goldfinger	1964	Sean Connery	Guy Hamilton	both	9	7.9	2
3	Tomorrow Never Dies	1997	Pierce Brosnan	Roger Spottiswoode	DVD	9	6.4	17
4	Casino Royale	2006	Daniel Craig	Martin Campbell	DVD	8	8	1
5	Dr. No	1962	Sean Connery	Terence Young	DVD	8	7.3	4
6	On Her Majesty's Secret Service	1969	George Lazenby	Peter R. Hunt		8	6.9	9
7	Living Daylights, The	1987	Timothy Dalton	John Glen	VHS	8	6.6	14
8	Licence to Kill	1989	Timothy Dalton	John Glen		8	6.5	16
9	World Is Not Enough, The	1999	Pierce Brosnan	Michael Apted	VHS	8	6.3	18
10	You Only Live Twice	1967	Sean Connery	Lewis Gilbert	VHS	7	7	8
11	Spy Who Loved Me, The	1977	Roger Moore	Lewis Gilbert	DVD	7	7.1	5
12	For Your Eyes Only	1981	Roger Moore	John Glen	VHS	7	6.8	11
13	Diamonds Are Forever	1971	Sean Connery	Guy Hamilton	VHS	7	6.7	12
14	Live and Let Die	1973	Roger Moore	Guy Hamilton		7	6.8	10
15	Man with the Golden Gun, The	1974	Roger Moore	Guy Hamilton	DVD	7	6.6	13
16	GoldenEye	1995	Pierce Brosnan	Martin Campbell	DVD	7	7.1	6
17	Thunderball	1965	Sean Connery	Terence Young	VHS	7	7	7
18	Octopussy	1983	Roger Moore	John Glen	VHS	6	6.5	15
19	View to a Kill, A	1985	Roger Moore	John Glen	VHS	6	6.1	20
20	Moonraker	1979	Roger Moore	Lewis Gilbert	VHS	6	6.1	19
21	Die Another Day	2002	Pierce Brosnan	Lee Tamahori		6	6.1	21
	Quantum of Solace	2008	Daniel Craig	Marc Forster
	Bond 23	2010	Daniel Craig	Marc Forster

Most consider movies listed above as James Bond 007 Canonical Works. For the sake of inclusion, here are two non-canonical works, both which I have only bothered to watch a single time.

My Rank	Title	Year	Actor	Director	Own	My Rating	IMDb Rating	IMDb Rank
22	Never Say Never Again	1983	Sean Connery			5	6	22
23	Casino Royale	1967	David Niven			5	5.1	23

And yes, I know there is yet another version, usually considered non-canonical from what I can tell, but I've yet to see the 1954 Climax! (or Climax Mystery Theater in the US) version of Casino Royale. Alas, my local library does not yet have a copy and I believe I want to see it before I dole out my $20.

Digital TV Conversion Not Worth $20

2008-09-13T08:59:00.000-07:00

Posted originally to TechDirt here:

I was able to use my coupon a couple of weeks before it expired but there was absolutely no choice involved. Only two retailers offered boxes locally: Radio Shack and Best Buy. I only bought the Best Buy one because the salesperson was moderately helpful there rather than condescending at the other shop.

I hooked the thing up without reading any directions and yes, it was to my old 'rabbit ears' style antenna from last century. It seemed to work just fine, so I thought I would be okay. I tape PBS shows for background noise and some for actual viewing. But for some reason, it seems like the channel on the converter box changes, so I spend lots of time double checking that it's pointing to the right channel - I never had to do that before.

But what really galls me is sometimes the signal is okay (and only drops sound momentarily). But other times, usually when the weather is clear, up to 80% of a show can be lost -- no sound and of course the picture is worse than the poorest quality jpeg. I've been told "it's to be expected."

Since it works fine some times, I doubt a new antenna would help. Maybe we just need better planning laws to keep people from erecting buildings one night that get in the way of the transmission and then tearing them down a couple days later???

I'm baffled why the quality is so damn inconsistent on a single channel. End run is I'm out $20 and get to watch 20% of what I used to -- now that sounds like progress to me!

And no, I'm not going to pay even $15/month (Comcast's cheapest local plan) to get a better signal. But it seems pretty clear to me, they have offered 12% of the population a half-assed solution thinking it will be all that's needed to get 100% of the American public subscribing to TV via cable and satellite. They won't really be happy until everyone is paying for TV twice -- once for a subscription, and then again when we purchase all those products and services that are so heavily hawked during the shows.

Hillsboro Farmer's Market

2008-08-08T04:34:00.001-07:00

Just another recreational shopping venue

It's very clear that Hillsboro's Farmers Markets is all about giving citizens yet another place to indulge in America's favorite pasttime -- recreational shopping. You know, consumption mostly for consumption's sake.

A friend from Portland recently accompanied me to the Hillsboro Market on Saturday morning and he commented on how much junk, and how little produce, was actually for sale. I guess that since Hillsboro's rulers are all about encouraging more yuppies to come here, they have to have the trendy new feel good fad available.

Forget that Market Management has been promising to start taking food stamps for over 3 years. It's clear there is no real plan to do it since every time someone asks about it, they get a different 'excuse'. "Oh, when we have a volunteer who is willing to guarantee 3 days a week..." or "Oh, when we have enough money to pay for the processing fees..." or "Oh, when we have enough money to pay the start up fees..."

With such an attitude, what else can we assume than that those kind of people are not wanted at the market? I wonder how much the city spends on this Market each year. After all, they have paid to set up credit card processing, but then that's the way most yuppies pay for things, isn't it?!? Of course they have to cater to their needs.

So what is it about Hillsboro and the poor, the aged, and of course, the recently immigrated? It seems like they have to be scared into doing things for these groups. Maybe if they knew that disabled people stay away from the Market because of their policy or maybe if we could prove that fewer Asians and Latinos/Hispanics go because they don't accept food stamps they could be shamed into changing the policy.

But then, all you need to do is have the occasional 'ethnic' performer and your activity is culturally diverse, right? And we all know that some of their best friends are poor, aged, disabled, or illegal...

Always Different, Rarely Better

2008-01-30T18:52:00.000-08:00

I'm Tired of Website Changes for Change Sake

Am I the only person who only goes to a website once a year (or so) and hate to find everything different? It makes it difficult and some times impossible to find what you need to do. Why are website designers always changing websites? I never feel like it makes anything better, just slower and easier for ads.

Could it be that this is the way the justify their existence, and paychecks, for the companies that always need a newer website? Or is it the fault of the company? They don't think they had such a good quarter last go and so of course, a newer image -- or at least website -- will fix everything.

When at all possible, I use this as a good excuse to stop using that website all together. For example, Multnomah County Libraries updated their website with loads of fanfare promising that it was going to better for everyone.

But here is the basic fact, after the new website was unleashed on the public it had tons of problems, programming was not even finished yet, so then they told us to wait -- it would get better -- eventually.

But after months and months, my queries only seemed to get slower and slower. When I finally was able to search for and place holds on three items on the Washington County Cooperative Library Services system in the time it took to just get my hits on Multnomah County's site, I said, "I'm done." I haven't been back since. I tried to tell them what was going on, but all they cared about was the little pictures and the ability for people to "rate" items. Oh boy! Such pretty little pictures, but it takes hours to place a hold! What a deal!

Seems there are some benefits to living in Washington County. I made sure and emailed my experiences to the webmaster out here and VIOLA! when they updated their system, we didn't lose our functionality just to make things prettier. I don't mean to take credit for that since the webmaster emailed back something which might possibly imply something like he agreed with me -- though I'm sure he really couldn't make any such statement officially or in any way that would be felt unprofessional.

No. We live in a decrepit age where change for change sake alone rules the day. Just wait, people will vote for one of the two Democrats left for just this reason...

Spammers New Attack

2008-01-30T18:37:00.000-08:00

Well, it seems that spammers neither die nor go away. No, instead they find new ways to target people.

I'm very leary of all unsolicited email these days. Take the following:

Good day,

My name is Edward Johnson and I am looking to buy links from good websites as yours (xjs.com). I will be glad if I can have a text link or a text box 120x60 or 125x125 on your site. Please advise what what will be the price for each of these ads, if it is placed:

1. On your homepage only
2. On all site pages

I will be very thankful to you if you take into consideration my requrest.

Kind Regards

Edward Johnson

Hmm. I actually have a relative named "Edward Johnson" but he'd never send this email to me. Additionally, the from field of the email says "Stacia Hatfield [ahmed_hassan202000@yahoo.it]". Wow! That's three names and two different genders, and one might think multiple nationalities though it's hard to tell for certain.

But I remember I used to get a lot of email from a "Stacy Hatfield" back in the old days before I got cagier with my email address. What do you want to bet these are one and the same since no other spammer would use such an easy flag.

The other approach is to say that they want to buy my domain name. I'm sorry, but I know that at least half of these "offers" and "enquiries" are just trying to confirm an email address for spammers. The message is simply to vague to be treated as credible, but alas, I don't have any saved. I wonder why?

But this one is more troubling:

Hello,

I recently found your website: http://www.xjs.com/xianjiro/blog/xjvrl.html online for other good blogs. I run my own blog Bayareakicks.com, and I am trying to link to other blogs I think my visitors might like to visit once they are done on my site.

Since my website is visited by 1,000's of blog readers daily, I am positive many of my visitors would be interested in visiting your web blog once they leave mine. I figured you wouldn't mind if I link to your site since we are not competitors, and both have similar internet viewers on our sites. Please let me know if this is OK with you? Do you think you can link back to my website Bayareakicks.com? Thanks.

Murris

Hmmm. He's actually included the real link to the page where I used to write about movies and books, but let's see, my last entry was April 9, 2006 and it was titled "Am I Still Interested?" Gee, given the dates, one might think the answer was "NO!"

I just bet this one is really spam as well. He uses the same email address that spammers get off the domain name whois query. But this one is much slier and works on everyone's desire for an easy link. It uses flattery well and then just waits for me to confirm the email address or better yet, reply from another, real email account.

Nope, it looks like it's time to change that nasty spam-bait email address I have to provide the domain name host. What a pain! But at least this way it takes a lot longer for the spammers to find the email address and now that I know one is spreading through their nasty databases, it's time for a change.

Webcam Directory Updated

2008-01-30T17:24:00.000-08:00

Oregon WebCams Updated

I've had a webcam page on my website for some time, but like many things, I've just never seemed to get around to updating it until yesterday. What moved me into action?

I got an email from "Bill" that didn't say "thanks for trying, but many of the links have changed or died" or even "thanks anyway" but instead whined something like "none of your webcams work." Hmmm. Does "Bill" really think that I run the hundreds of webcams in this state? Or was he just whining that I hadn't updated the link he cared about.

Clearly, this is type of statement that passes for communication in our culture these days. Rather than stating what the problem really is -- none of your cams feature some cute, hot, young thing getting nasty so I can watch for free -- you get something like "your cams suck."

Oh well. At least broken links have been updated or deleted. I've left a couple entries without links hoping maybe someone will get me a new link they might know of that I haven't found (Medford and Sprague River). I'd also like to include more cams from Eastern and Southern Oregon.

Visit Oregon WebCams now.

The Other Kind of Christmas

2007-12-25T14:12:00.000-08:00

I haven't had a particular fondness for Christmas the past few years. Clearly the fact that I'm on my own has something to do it, but when I first returned from Japan in the mid 90s I still went to the effort to get and decorate a tree. I even did it the first year I was in the apartment on Quatama, but there just doesn't seem to be any space for a tree in this apartment.

As for gifts, I purchased mine early in the month -- nothing fancy since I basically have to use whatever I get for my birthday to fund Christmas. Terry was kind enough to take them to the post office while I was at the doctor a couple weeks ago, so I know everyone would have their gift from me in time. But alas, I've spent many a year with few, if any, presents of my own to open.

This year isn't much different. Terry and Julie put together a nice Christmas basket with various goodies -- homemade strawberry jam, rhubarb chutney, ginger cordial, and apple sauce with some baked goods and some locally made fudge and flavored hazelnuts. I haven't tried any of it just yet, but know it will all be wonderful.

Additionally, Terry found a 3rd edition of the Atlas of the Pacific Northwest from 1963 which I've never seen. I haven't been through it completely yet, but it's really cool. I know I will also spend time comparing it with the 8th edition I have from 1993. It's pretty close to a perfect Christmas present for a crazy atlas and map loving guy.

My friend Don really surprised me with a gift of biscotti and a bag of coffee. I really didn't expect anything more from him since he had brought something else a couple weeks ago which I will keep private.

As for my family, my father sent a bit more cash which will, no doubt, come in handy. My one brother mentioned in an email that he's extended my subscription to National Geographic another year and my stepmother mentioned in her email that the post office had assured her that her present would arrive by last Saturday -- but alas, our friends at the USPS seem to let me down yet again. So I'll have to wait until this coming Saturday to see what she sent.

I'm going to put a bone in the oven for Robin and will probably give him a new tennis ball to chew up here in a bit.

And that's pretty much our Christmas. Even though I went through the official begging channels, I wasn't deemed worthy to receive a Merry Christmas through any of the various agencies this year (though Hillsboro's Trinity Lutheran did a remarkably nice job last year).

Never mind all the senseless babble from the media and marketers -- "Ho, ho, ho. Buy, buy, buy." I've always found that part of the season a real annoyance. And while I do enjoy watching some of the Christmas movies (I watched Christmas Vacation and A Christmas Story last night), I can only take a limited dose of Christmas music. Last, while I do remember the story of the Christ child, I can't say I feel compelled to go to church.

I also prefer not to join someone else's family for Christmas since it always feels so odd to me. This is probably the only holiday I can say that about. I think it must have something to do with those early childhood memories that are so wrapped up in our understanding of what Christmas is. Unfortunately, I can't say that all those memories are happy, but they are in fact mine.

At least when I had a partner, we enjoyed combining our traditions into a new form of celebration that I rather enjoyed, but it's rather difficult to make this holiday enjoyable when one is alone.

One thing new this year is I have asked my family if we could NOT talk on the phone today. It's one of those things that I've done the last few years with a mixture of feelings. I remember hanging up the phone after a call and feeling nothing but depressed and since I know that's no one's desire, it just seemed to make more sense to avoid the calls all together.

I know they are thinking of me and maybe they all would prefer that I was there -- I too prefer I was there, it's just the traveling that I can't abide. But then there is the talking to everyone. It isn't easy to hear about all the wonderful gifts everyone else has enjoyed opening when I've had little or none. And then there are the stories of fun had and wonderful food enjoyed. I'm truly happy for them, but again, through my own choice, I've done without.

But I guess the worst part is when I am asked the inevitable "So how was you're Christmas?" It seems that this is one of those magic questions where we only want to get answer that reinforces our own feelings of satiety. My scripted response is generally, "fine, fine," and then I change the subject. No one really wants to know how I feel, do they?

I think I will wrap this up because much like those phone calls I wanted to avoid, I find myself slowly overcome by emotions that I can do little with other than feel and trust me, they aren't good. So much like I decided a few weeks back, it's better that I forget about it all and just treat the day much like any other. This way I won't be any worse off for it.

I have the entire stack of I, Claudius tapes to enjoy -- and that puts the fun into Dysfunctional Family! It seems the lovely, large snow flakes are falling agin...

Merry Christmas to All
and to All
Good Night!

Hillsboro's White Christmas!!!

2007-12-25T13:32:00.001-08:00

IT'S SNOWING!!!

As unbelievable as it is, it is actually snowing ON CHRISTMAS in Hillsboro, Oregon. Yes, that's right. I don't know when it actually started since it was just cloudy around 11 am when my friend Don dropped by.

We were chatting and he mentioned how quiet it was -- he actually said it's always so quiet when he is here and it's the quietest place he ever goes. So I decided to look out the window because it almost seemed TOO quiet to believed and then that's when I saw the most lovely, large snow flakes falling and a thin layer of snow accumulating on the privet hedge and cars in the parking lot.

My first thought was how rare, but then I immediately started to worry about Don's drive back to Portland (he starts work at something like 2am, so I know he's tired by this time of day). I expected, since it was snowing, that all I'd have to do do is turn on the TV and the reports would be falling over one another trying to stand in the patch of white, but strangely enough, there was nothing on TV (other than the more usual tripe -- I mean -- programming).

I checked on the Internet and sure enough snow was being reported on the National Weather Service's Portland page and snow was clear on various Westside cameras on the Portland page of Oregon's DOT website.

As I poked around, it seemd clear that the snow was coming from the southwest with the heaviest accumulations in Washington and Clackamas Counties. So I guess our friends in the media only care if snow comes to the city of Portland.

It seems to have stopped now that I write this. Maybe more will return, it seems that tonight's forecast might suggest an unpleasant commute tommorrow, but I don't have to worry about that at least.

I believe this is the first time I've seen snow on Christmas since the late 70's in Chicago. I wouldn't mind if it got a touch colder and we got a real heavy snow. I might even take Robin out to play in it...

Thoughts on Trying to Rest

2007-10-24T23:45:00.000-07:00

For those readers who wonder how I could write so wryly about facing death down a couple nights ago and feeling only disappointment when it did not arrive, I only can point to today as an example. I only managed to sleep for a few hours before waking in the early hours of the morning the rumbling of the neighbor's truck to the south of us. His schedule is quite odd, but I'm sure it can't be helped that he has to leave at 2:30am. But do we really need to be treated to 5 minutes of warmup and pealing tires as he heads out?

As I started to relax again, the cops chased someone through the neighborhood with a constant quick bursts on the siren. I'm sure the bursts of sound is better than just running the damn thing, but it seems pretty clear that the perpetrator was unable to hear it. No wonder considering how many play they car stereos so loudly that we are treated to the thumps through the neighborhood all day long. Or maybe this one was jabbering on the phone? But I'd be willing to bet, given the hour of the morning, that they had a few too many.

The pain had decreased substantially, but rolling over the wrong way was still uncomfortable and deep breaths were painful. Sleep was impossible to regain though mostly because my lower body aches from being so tired -- this is a regular part of my disease and not directly the result of the flu attack. As I would relax, the muscle twitches and jerks were much more severe than they have been in a long time. Once while laying on my back, everything but my bum was lifted off the bed. [On a side note, I can't imagine anyone being able to sleep next to me without being physically hurt as I kick and punch though I hope it subsides once sleep takes me. I just don't know.]

Soon it was late enough that it hardly made sense to fall asleep since I'd only have to wake up after a short while to take my morning meds. But by then, I was so tired sleep came fairly quickly and easily. I then slept on and off until something like 4:30pm so that made about 7 hours of deep enough sleep if only the neighbors didn't constantly wake me up. Oh, there was the usual calling from neighbor to neighbor and short chats on the back deck, but that hardly compares with the all day yipping of the dog across the street. [And the apartment owner got upset because my dog barked when he parked in front of my apartment and insisted that I keep him from barking "for my neighbor's benefit". But considering he only barks when they do something...]

But I digress, the worst started up about noon when the screamer started throwing chunks of metal around his backyard. After 45 minutes or so of that the pounding started as he broke and beat the scrap. I thought about getting up and watching TV, but I knew that if it didn't last too long, I would need to go back to sleep. Luckily today there was no screaming tirade. No "fucking nigger, I hate you ass hole" yelled at the top of his lungs. No "goddamn mother fuckers what the fuck are you looking at" shouted at the kids as they walk past his house on the way home. No screaming at the barking dogs which so clearly bark at the noise he makes. And no screaming like a banshee for who knows what reason. So as soon as his attention was taken elsewhere, I was deep in dreamland once again.

It wasn't until 7pm though that I decided I was ready to get up. I figured the dog wanted to go out and do some business and I was feeling a bit hungry -- the first time since Saturday. I mostly feel recovered though I feel pretty run down, but I know that will be cured with a few more nights of good, long sleep. If only the rains would return that might even be guaranteed, but with dry, clear weather the neighbors are encouraged to be out and about and noise carries. It's not that I truly begrudge them their joys, whatever they might be, it's just that I find my own joy in was that seem quite different. Peace and quiet are at the top of my list, especially when I'm recovering from intense, if short lived, illness.

So why not move? Well, I moved here to escape an even worse apartment complex with even more troubling noise issues, if that can be believed. Since I lost my house in 2003, I've tried to make it in these apartments, but even when I was young and healthy enough to be working full-time and out on the town when I wasn't, I've hated living in apartments and worked towards the day I would have a house. I had viewed the rental as the last step before buying a place of my own, but I was never quite able to get all the pieces together to make that happen. Now it seems so far away, and rentals of houses in Washington County are so expensive as to be out of my budget, that it shall never happen and I will die in a crappy apartment I detest surrounded by noisy neighbors I share so little in common with.

And minus the good foundation of a house I love, I lack the strength to reach out and do much of anything else. I'm so mentally ready to try my hand at fiction, even if it means dealing with the addition of pain in my hands and arms as I now have in my legs and feet. But I will need to be able to concentrate and there are only a few hours during the day when that is even in the realm of possibility, but still there is the speeding car screaming down the road, the horn of the freight train as it moves slowly through Hillsboro, the ever present sirens of the police, fire trucks, and ambulances, and of course, there is always someone who needs to share whatever is on his mind with everyone no matter the hour of the day.

I can paint myself as retired, but I'm not working and am not exactly rolling in cash. That must make me one of the most eligible bachelors this side of the Pacific. Let's see, there are my dashing good looks, my ample figure which owes so little to hours spent in the gyms where today's hip and motivated worship in addition or in stead of the churches I no longer believe in. So even if a potential suitor can get past my poverty, my disability, my middle aged looks, and my unintentionally combative arms and legs as I wait to for sleep to overtake my eager mind, I can only live with another man IF he can qualify for the same housing program I'm on in Washington County.

So the best I could ever hope for is some kind of separate life shared with someone else on a part-time basis. There's no hope for a house and it's clear that my condition is going to continue to deteriorate, So you see, one can't even say "at least you've got your health." There is nothing in my present life that makes putting up with the pain and life's troubles worthwhile any longer. I'm completely tired of fighting with agencies for 'care' and having people with files sticking their beak in telling me how I'm supposed to live. With no one and nothing to live for, it's little wonder that I lay down to sleep a couple nights ago and hoped that I would not wake up again. But clearly, my life rarely works as I would see fit.

This is provided as an attempt to document my current state of mind and little else. Both this entry and the prior have been written and posted as is with no rewrites or edits. Together they describe what has happened to me in the last couple of days. They simply exist as I do.

I Didn't Die Last Night

2007-10-23T21:27:00.001-07:00

Well, I've been hit with my first bug of the season and I can hardly believe I've survived. I guess it started on Saturday since that was about the only time I could have been exposed. My caregiver came up as usual but it was clear he had been ill but promised me he was over the worst of it and not contagious. HUH! That's a laugh.

Oddly enough, on Saturday night, I had a terrible time keeping my feet warm though for the most part I felt fine, just a bit tired. But all things considered, that's not much of surprise. On Sunday I had little appetite. I basically ate rice and had some before bed some cheese and crackers and a banana.

I slept maybe an hour or so and then seemed to toss and turn finding it hard to be comfortable and always drifting between hot and cold. But considering the weather was changing from cloudy and rainy to clear and dry, I figured this wasn't really unusually. I seem to be quite uncomfortable physically whenever the weather changes dramatically (thus why this past summer was so hard on me).

As evening approached on Monday things started to change. I felt tightness in my chest: nothing major, just a discomfort. However, being a middle aged male in poor health and caring extra weight, it's pretty much been drilled into me what this stuff means. As the pain started to radiate out from right under my breastbone towards my right arm, I really began to wonder. But I figured with the stress of the last couple of weeks, it was probably nothing to worry about. The doctor has rushed me off to the hospital with chest pains before and nothing has been found so when it happened again a year or so ago, I figured it wasn't worth the expense.

I figured since I slept so poorly Sunday night, I just needed to get to sleep early even though I napped a bit during the day. So I was in bed about 9:30, but had trouble getting comfortable. The chest pains grew dramatically and there was just no way to get comfortable, but a couple hours later I drifted off for about an hour.

When I woke next I was in horrible pain. It felt like Superman and my heart and trachea in his hands and was squeezing for all it's worth. Would anyone be surprised if I said I grew quite anxious and so tried to concentrating on taking slow, deep breaths. But this was difficult and painful. My hands and arms had been outside the covers and were stone cold. My feet were as well even though they were under a blanket. I curled up in a ball, trying to get warm, but the pain was too much.

I got up to go to the bathroom, the pain was now quite severe in my upper back and my head ached. While the house seemed no colder than usual, I started to shiver horribly. Back under the covers it took at least 15 minutes to warm myself up enough to stop the shivering. By now I was convinced I had a fever but the thermometer read 99.7F. I adjusted the bed and readjusted my position.

By now my neck was arched backwards and my mouth gaped open as I lay gasping for breath. I knew I should call the doctor -- you know to get permission from my managed care gatekeeper so that I could call for an ambulance. But last time I had to sit on hold so long that I just knew there was no way I could do that with the phone this time around. I figured it was time to screw the doctors and make peace with what I figured was coming.

Honestly, closing your eyes and waiting to die isn't half as difficult as one might think -- but it requires both no fear of death and a readiness to leave what surrounds you. I had both. I decided though that I didn't want to be found naked so I got up and put on a pair of shorts. I told the dog I loved him and closed my eyes.

Clearly, the worst thing about death is the pain, suffering and waiting. Why couldn't it come swiftly? I thought about doing something to either ease my anxiety or decrease the pain, but what? And worst of all, I didn't want to mess things up and make it look like a suicide when it wasn't that. So I just lay there until finally my eyes closed again and darkness overcame me.

I saw no shafts of white light nor heard any voices. Actually, I doubt I dreamed at all. I didn't sleep longer than 90 minutes before I was up again. I decided that the fever was much worse now. I got up, and decided to use another method to take my temperature and sure enough, this time it was 102F. Not as bad as I might have expected given the chest pain. I did notice that the pain was least severe when I was standing, but I was a bit dizzy.

I went back to bed, but it was quite futile. Every position just seemed to crush my chest. Some made it quite impossible to breath. After an hour of this misery I finally got up and went out to the recliner figuring it was the best way to sit upright comfortably. I slept for another hour.

Waking just before sun up, I still felt as though I were fighting for every breath. I started to wonder who I should call -- the doctor, my caregiver, no one? By this time, I knew without a doubt that I wasn't having some sort of massive heart attack coupled with severe blockage of the pipes. I was pretty confident that I was fighting with a vicious virus and had to hope that what is left of my immune system could handle it.

I sipped some apple juice and tried to get comfortable. I just couldn't seem to get back to sleep so I got up and took the dog out for a leak. Walking was horrendous and I couldn't get him to go slow enough. We made it back inside and I settled back in but couldn't manage to find sleep.

I managed to down my meds at the usual time and then waited a bit to cancel the electrician from coming in a few hours. I then tried my caregiver at his office, but they said he'd called in ill again today, so I left a message for his wife figuring I didn't want to be the one to wake him if were sleeping. She left me a message which I got a numbers of hour later saying that he basically had a chest cold, headache and was coughing a bit. So it was clear we were affected quite differently if it is his bug I shared.

Shortly after leaving her a message, I fell asleep in the chair and finally stayed asleep for about 3 hours. Oh, if only the neighbors could have been quiet and not woken me for once! But I felt a bit better -- the fever felt less incendiary and the grip on my chest had lessened. I found I could even move around in the chair comfortably. But it was too damn bright to try and sleep in it again, so now I figured it was off to bed.

Sure enough, 5 hours of sleep and the worst had passed. I even ate a bit of chicken soup when I took my meds this evening. I watched a movie and got the dog out again for some more complete relief. I think it's time to feed him and head to bed for the night. I just hope I sleep well. I still have some minor body aches and feel unnaturally warm, my neck is rather stiff and deep breaths are still painful, but otherwise it's hard to believe that a short 12 hours ago I thought for sure I was dying.

I'll need to sleep well for the next couple of days and let my body finish getting rid of whatever has attacked me. If my caregiver was well, I might even rush off to the doctor in the next day or so to see if she's got any good test for this heart of mine. I can't help but wonder if it hasn't been damaged somehow during this attack. Additionally the key veins and arteries in and out as well as the place where the trachea splits towards each long seem to have been impacted though oddly enough I haven't coughed once nor do I feel like my lungs have fluid in them.

I wish I could report that I feel a new zest for life and feel lucky that I made it but alas, it's more like disappointment since I know that I've missed a chance to abandon this life I don't enjoy living. There hardly seems to be a reason to rush off to the doctor since she won't be able to give me a flu shot until I've been over this for some time and she can't write a prescription that will make my apartment quieter or safer. Well, maybe I will share a bit more about that tomorrow -- I think I need to go to sleep quite soon. I'm very tired.

Still here

2007-10-15T22:39:00.000-07:00

What do you call painting a building with aluminum siding in October in Hillsboro?

Airshow Evicts Homeowners - Can This Be True?

2007-08-17T22:54:00.000-07:00

In all the back-slapping coverage I've seen concerning this year's Hillsboro Airshow, nowhere have I read about something I find deeply troubling. While a neighbor of mine was trying to find a place to sit and watch from her car north of the Hillsboro Airport, a Hillsboro Police barricade stopped her from entering a residential neighborhood. She was told that not only could she not enter the neighborhood, but that the residents were being evacuated for the Blue Angels performance!

Can it really be true that not only are all roads closed around the airport to allow this expensive specticle annoy and bother the city's residents (most of whom don't attend the Airshow), but in addition, each time the headline act takes to the air the people who own or rent property around the airport are actually evicted from their homes?

In the land of private property above all else, it hardly seems possible that we force law-abiding, tax-paying Americans out of their homes merely so that other people may be entertained, albiet for a hefty $25/person/day. Even if one person is made to leave his premises for any time during the event, I would say that it is one minute too long. I would not willingly cooperate with such a request - if that is what it is under force of arms.

This almost seems too hard to believe, and I wouldn't believe it but for the neighbor's firsthand experience. Still, I would like nothing more than to hear from a person who had to leave their home under police supervision or threat, call it what you will.

Are There Gay Men In Hillsboro?

2007-07-25T12:56:00.000-07:00

Then say hello already!