Helping People with AIDS/HIV

While I don't think I've written much about it since reopening my blog here, I've had lots of problems with so-called AIDS service organizations in the past. Topping the list is Cascade AIDS Project (CAP) who very nearly scuttled the move to my current apartment saying "since you expect to get a refund from your prior apartment's security deposit we won't help you with your full security deposit -- ask your new landlord to wait until you get the other deposit." I really wonder what good they are doing with all that money the suck in in the name of helping People with AIDS (PWAs) and have asked everyone I know who gives to CAP to donate elsewhere.

Here's a great organization which uses the vast majority of money and items donated to help people living with HIV/AIDS -- Friends of People with AIDS Foundation (Friends of PWAs). As far as I know, they have no paid staff (and haven't). They don't require reams of paperwork to get that can of beans or new t-shirt. And they are nice, friendly, and a PWA feels like they still matter when they go there for help. They do care! They have paid for Robin's annual exam and shots for the last couple of years now. (I just have to find a ride for us.)

I ask you now, please take a moment to reach out and tell Friends of PWAs that they are on the right track. Thank them for helping people, including me. And if at all possible, give to them as you would any other tax deductible charity. They accept donations of household and personal items (much like you probably already give to Goodwill) in good condition which they then GIVE to PWAs through Tod's Corner. (They replaced my microwave with a donated, used, but good one when mine died at the start of summer.)

You can donate cash online and even set up a monthly contribution now. For other information on donating by mail or in person or volunteering, visit their webpage.

Please help the Friends of PWAs today!

Healthcare a "Fundamental Human Right"?

[NOTE: I'm taking the text of this initiative from a post on Portland Indymedia. It's worth clicking on the the link (I'll include it again at the bottom) to read some of the discussion but since I don't know how long the post will be on their site, I'm going to include the initiative's text and the author's contact information here for reference.]

Initiative number 40

AMENDS CONSTITUTION: REQUIRES ACCESS TO HEALTH CARE AS FUNDAMENTAL RIGHT; LEGISLATURE MUST ADOPT PLAN EXPANDING HEALTH CARE

RESULT OF "YES" VOTE: "Yes" vote requires state to ensure access to health care as fundamental right, and legislature to adopt plan expanding health care coverage, for Oregon residents.

RESULT OF "NO" VOTE: "No" vote retains current law, which does not require access to health care as fundamental right or require legislature to adopt plan expanding health care.

SUMMARY: Amends constitution. Currently, state statutes establish goals for universal health care; state constitution does not require legislature to adopt health care plan. Measure requires state to provide access to health care as fundamental right for every Oregon resident; legislature must adopt plan that incrementally expands health care coverage so residents can regularly obtain effective, affordable health care. In developing plan, legislature must consider ways to: conserve, strengthen existing health care system; conserve, strengthen system of providing health insurance as employment benefit; encourage individual responsibility for health care; maximize use of federal programs; encourage efficient, effective use of expenditures; improve health of every Oregon resident. Plan must be adopted not later than July 1, 2009; repeals requirement to adopt plan on December 31, 2012. Other provisions.

Be it enacted by the people of the State of Oregon:

PARAGRAPH 1. The Constitution of the State of Oregon is amended by creating new sections 46 and 46a to be added to and made a part of Article 1, such sections to read:

SECTION 46. Health care is an essential safeguard of human life and dignity and there is an obligation for the state to ensure that every Oregon resident has access to effective and affordable health care as a fundamental right.

SECTION 46a. (1) The Legislative Assembly by law shall adopt a plan that incrementally expands health care coverage so that every Oregon resident is able to obtain effective and affordable health care on a regular basis.

(2) When developing a plan for expanding health care coverage, the Legislative Assembly shall consider ways to:

(a) Conserve and strengthen the existing health care system to the greatest extent possible;

(b) Conserve and strengthen the existing system of providing health insurance as a benefit of employment;

(c) Encourage individual responsibility for one's own health care;

(d) Maximize the use of Medicaid, Medicare and other federal health care programs;

(e) Encourage the efficient and effective use of health care expenditures; and

(f) Improve the health of every Oregon resident.

(3) The Legislative Assembly by law shall adopt a plan that incrementally expands health care coverage pursuant to this section not later than July 1, 2009.

(4) This section is repealed December 31, 2012.

State Rep. Mitch Greenlick -- mitchgreenlick@msn.com

In Eugene, contact state Rep. Paul Holvey -- Holvey.Rep@state.or.us

Here's my take:

I hate to say it, but I'm having a problem getting excited about this initiative and was talking with a buddy about it just a couple of hours ago. We too asked the big "why" question and one thing we wondered was if it isn't an attempt to lay some sort of very basic groundwork to start building upon -- you know, like agreeing on the definitions or learning a common language or even adopting policies and procedures -- if most of us were to agree that healthcare was a basic human right then it would be (an albeit different) place to start the discussion (rather than starting with 'fixing a system that is broken'). But honestly, I fear we were just looking for some reason to support the thing.

I find the inclusion of an incremental approach very troubling. Gee, so can they adopt a plan that extends coverage to themselves in 2009 and adds everyone else 50 - 100 years later? While I understand the appeal of an incremental approach has for some, I have to wonder if this could stand constitution muster since it would not treat all citizens equally (they get healthcare now but I've got to wait 10 years but my current prognosis is death in 6 unless I get healthcare NOW). Seems like a great class action "angle" to me. And do I need to say much about "conserve, strengthen existing health care system?" If the current system is so bad, and like many others, I agree it is bad enough to be scrapped completely, why on earth would I want to put it into the constitution to "conserve" it?!?!? Throw the damn thing out - baby, bath water, bath tub, bathroom and all!

Last, if healthcare is a "fundamental human right," why on earth would we constitutionally tie it to employment? It's almost like saying that those who aren't employable (too young, too old, too sick, etc) don't qualify for basic human rights. This just feels like an oxymoron to me. If it's fundamental then it's not tied to something else. You 'qualify' for it because you are a member of the class. We qualify for health care because we are human, not because we are or aren't employable.

Bottom line, I will not support this initiative either by donating time, money, or energy now will I vote for it should it actually reach the ballot and my bettin' cash says it won't. While the concept of calling healthcare a "fundamental human right" has great appeal to progressives and (carefully said) liberals, that it all it's got going for it. And the downsides simply outweigh that single positive for the reasons outlined above.

[As promised, read more about what people are saying about this initiative at Portland Indymedia.]

Funniest eBay Post In a Long Time

Few forwards can get me to laugh any longer, but I will share this one. Originally posted on eBay, I'm sure it will disappear so I'm copying the whole thing for your amusement. (Well, at least the picture and text anyway.) Note, I take no responsibility for any of this -- none whatsoever -- nor could I fit into said pair of jeans.

Description
Item Specifics - Men's Pants & Shorts
Waist Size: 34
Style: Leather
Inseam: 34
Condition: New: Without Tags

You are bidding on a mistake.

We all make mistakes. We date the wrong people for too long. We chew gum with our mouths open. We say inappropriate things in front of grandma.

And we buy leather pants.

I can explain these pants and why they are in my possession. I bought them many, many years ago under the spell of a woman whom I believed to have taste. She suggested I try them on. I did. She said they looked good. I wanted to have a relationship of sorts with her. I’m stupid and prone to impulsive decisions. I bought the pants.

The relationship, probably for better, never materialized. The girl, whose name I can’t even recall, is a distant memory. I think she was short.

Ultimately the pants were placed in the closet where they have remained, unworn, for nearly a decade. I would like to emphasize that: Aside from trying these pants on, they have never, ever been worn. In public or private.

I have not worn these leather pants for the following reasons:

I am not a member of Queen.
I do not like motorcycles.
I am not Rod Stewart.
I am not French.
I do not cruise for transvestites in an expensive sports car.

These were not cheap leather pants. They are Donna Karan leather pants. They’re for men. Brave men, I would think. Perhaps tattooed, pierced men. In fact, I’ll go so far as to say you either have to be very tough, very gay, or very famous to wear these pants and get away with it.

Again, they’re men’s pants, but they’d probably look great on the right lady. Ladies can get away with leather pants much more often than men can. It’s a sad fact that men who own leather pants will have to come to terms with.

They are size 34x34. I am no longer size 34x34, so even were I to suddenly decide I was a famous gay biker I would not be able to wear these pants. These pants are destined for someone else. For reasons unknown - perhaps to keep my options open, in case I wanted to become a pirate - I have shuffled these unworn pants from house to house, closet to closet. Alas, it is now time to part ways so that I may use the extra room for any rhinestone-studded jeans I may purchase in the future.

These pants are in excellent condition. They were never taken on pirate expeditions. They weren’t worn onstage. They didn’t straddle a Harley, or a guy named Harley. They just hung there, sad and ignored, for a few presidencies.

Someone, somewhere, will look great in these pants. I’m hoping that someone is you, or that you can be suckered into buying them by a girl you’re trying to bed.

Please buy these leather pants.

Question & Answer

Q: I'm confused, is Donna Karan a rock star or a transvestite?
A: It's a very fine line, really.

Q: I have a friend that emails these types of auctions to me for a good laugh and I must admit, yours is the best I have seen in a long time. Your wording and demeanor are perfect. If I had the cake to spend on something I would never wear right now, I would buy them just for the simple fact you made me laugh that hard. I wish you made commercials on TV so I wouldn't be forced to channel surf when they came on. Kudos to you. Are all your descriptions this funny or is this a fluke? Your replies are excellent and this auction should be on Letterman or something. Good luck and thanks for the laugh.
A: I used to write commercials, but they're hard to make funny because the people who make the final decisions are idiots. But maybe you'll like Banterist.com or Sixtysecond.com

Q: LOL. I once knew a guy who actually wore leather pants, loved them, and was very popular with them. That was 15 years ago...he was Italian...and my uncle's boyfriend. Enough said.
A: Italy shares France's reputation for adultery, leather pants, and aggressiveness to women. Except for your uncle's boyfriend, of course.

Q: Love the pants but . . . I wonder, how many thongs do you think could be made from them? Fruitcreek.
A: For Americans? 15. French? 45.

Q: Are these pants worthy of cruising for transvestites while in my Maserati? I just got one and need an outfit that would go with my new car.
A: I think leather pants would accent that mid-life crisis quite nicely.

Q: I just wanted to tell you that you made me laugh aloud! First, when my husband was in high school he apparently bought a white satin Michael Jacksonesque multi-zippered jacket from The Chess King under strikingly similar circumstances. I wonder if it is the same chick . . . Second, my husband and I recently hosted a white trash party, Trailerpalooza. We had been to a 38 Special concert and decided to knock off thier look. So we each bought pleather pants (though these beauties would have been perfect!) and I then sewed flame fabric to the bottoms, as if it was lapping up the legs. We also got leather jackets which we adorned with a bit of flame fabric. Well, somehow, I came out looking like a badass, but my poor husband looked like a homo. In fact someone actually said, -It's amazing how pleather makes Shari look so bad, and Rick so gay.- I wish I had a picture on my computer, because I think it would make you laugh! Anyway, good luck with the sale of your magic pants!
A: When I was a busboy at El Torito I remember a waiter who saved up hundreds for a replica Michael Jackson 'Beat It' jacket. Zippers everywhere. At the time I thought he was a god. Now I think he's probably buried in someone's tomato garden.

Q: Thank you for the inspiration. I am now thinking of ebaying every little thing....and I do mean little thing that I ever wore to be a man pleaser/enticer. That would have to include stiletto heels, leather bustiers, gstrings and the like.....hmmm, wait a minute....now that I think about it....I might have to bid on those pants and create an ensemble....for myself. Did I mention that I am 5'2?
A: Hello Senator Clinton.

Q: FUNNY!! I too have a pair of leather pants to sell and for very similar reasons. Mine also have severe case of closet shrinkage. Thanks for the laugh and happy selling. tom
A: Hmm. Maybe we know the same girl.

Q: I would like to be tough, gay or a rock star. Do you think purchasing and subsequently donning these trousers will help?
A: Probably not if you call them 'trousers.' A true rockstar would say 'pants' or 'duds' or something more rock-star-y, like 'ladykillers.'

Q: If they did still fit.. and I wasn't married, would you wear them for me? LOL.. best of luck!
A: Yes, but only if I was wearing a pink tank top and re-enacting Billy Squier's regrettable 'Rock me tonight' video.

Q: No question, just wanted to tell you this is the best listing i've ever read. I'm sorry it didn't work out with the short girl, but am so proud of you for never wearing these. :) Good luck with your sale!
A: Thank you. I'll be free of them in less than two days, and at least $76 closer to owning a yacht.

Q: I don't actually need the pants... and they wouldn't fit my less than womanly curves even if I could pull them off- but I could not resist telling you what a fabulous ad this is. While reason prevailed in the end, I was almost convinced to buy the pants if for no other reason than to see if I could be coy enough to get a man to wear them in hopes of a relationship with me... fabulous ad, just fabulous.
A: Sadly I lack the ability to sell people things they don't need - unlike Ron Popeil and The Sharper Image.

Q: You express yourself exactly like my ex-fiancee. I had to check if you lived in Boulder, CO just to see if you were him. I really didn't think anyone else had his matter of fact mixed with twisted humor personality. Ten years ago I was just ending our relationship so I was going thinking that possibly he bought these pants to try and woo a little waitress vixen with an IQ half that of her bust size. By the way, the last person that claimed that you were stereotyping, did you for some reason envision Dueling Banjos playing in the background with a man sporting a greased back mullet and a makeshift spittoon, and, of course, comfy leather pants, or was that just me?
A: Yes, the grammar and tone said 'Deliverance' but the leather pants in church said 'Wham UK'. So I'm confused.

Q: you enjoy stereotyping people that wear leather dont ya, you think owning leather is gay, let me tell you something i am not gay, i am not famous, dont ride a bike, and unlike i aint a coward. i do own 2 pairs of them, to me they are more comfy than blue jeans ever will be, i where them anywhere i want including church, no ones ever said nothing about them
A: More important: Do you need a pair of 34x34 leather pants?

Q: I am in a band, but do not wear leather pants. However, if I DID wear leather pants, your pants are the ones I would buy because your description is...eloquent and touching in a leatherish sort of way. May we post your ad on our site?
A: I think I answered this already, but eBay is asking it again for some reason. Thank you for being polite and seeking permission. Sure, you can post it. After all, I'm trying to sell pants.

Q: Bsack, I'm an editor for Poor Mojo's Almanac(k) (http:// www.poormojo.org), a weekly online magazine now entering its sixth year of publication. We'd like to run the text of your posting, with the image of the glorious pants, as a rant on our site. May we do so? Our submission guidlines can be found here: http://www.poormojo.org/submission.html (Long story short: we owe you a beer for one piece--provided you came to Ann Arbor or SF, CA to pick it up--or will reward you with a PMjA t-shirt after we've published 5 of your pieces.) Interested? Best, Dave . . . Editor and Technologist PMjA
A: Sure, if you don't mind that it's already on Banterist.com

Q: Well, it looks like you're going to sell them. They're too big for me anyway and I'm female. You're a great writer -- so natural, so funny. I think you should be in standup. Thank you so much for making my day.
A: Thank you for the kind words. In lieu of standup I post things on Banterist.com. The hours are better and there's no drink minimum.

Q: For Mr. VBMX: If he were gay, he would know what boot cut means. What does VBMX mean?
A: I'm not sure. It sounds like a missile.

Q: Hi, Sorry I don't want the leather pants but just had to write and say I really had a good laugh at your description!! I really hope you sell them .... and not to a guy! Good luck! Jeannette
A: If you change your mind and want the pants, I'll be waiting patiently by the keyboard.

Q: Seen your ad on VBMX.com.....are you gay? LOL Just kidding!! I would claim these on VBMX!! Now all the guys are gonna think of you as a sissy!! LOL!!! Good luck bro!!
A: Thanks. That's a lot of exclamation points.

Q: Are these boot cut pants and if not what is the width measurement of the bottom of the pant leg?
A: I do not know what a boot cut is, but the pants are 8.25 inches wide at the bottom.

McNamara's Lessons

From the movie the Fog of War (which I shall review soon), former WWII soldier, Harvard Professor, President of Ford Motor Co, Secretary of Defense, and President of the World Bank, Robert McNamara provided days worth of interviews regarding what he has learned from the experiences of his life. Interesting and insightful. Personally I think the lessons are worth keeping at hand. There are actually two separate lists: the first are the product of the movie's maker, Errol Morris, and structure the film while the second are McNamara's own list (and provided as Special Features on the DVD).

Morris' List

1. Empathize with your enemy.
2. Rationality will not save us.
3. There's something beyond one's self.
4. Maximize efficiency.
5. Proportionality should be a guideline in war.
6. Get the data.
7. Belief and seeing are both often wrong.
8. Be prepared to reexamine your reasoning.
9. In order to do good, you may have to engage in evil.
10. Never say never.
11. You can't change human nature.

McNamara's List

1. The human race will not eliminate war in this century, but we can reduce the brutality of war - the level of killing - by adhering to the principles of a "Just War," in particular to the principle of "proportionality."
2. The indefinite combination of human fallibility and nuclear weapons will lead to the destruction of nations.
3. We are the most powerful nation in the world - economically, politically and militarily - and we are likely to remain so for decades ahead. But we are not omniscient. If we cannot persuade other nations with similar interests and similar values of the merits of our proposed use of that power, we should not proceed unilaterally except in the unlikely requirement to defend directly the continental U.S., Alaska and Hawaii.
4. Moral principles are often ambiguous guides to foreign policy and defense policy, but surely we can agree that we should establish as a major goal of U.S. foreign policy and, indeed, of foreign policies across the globe; the avoidance in this century of the carnage - 160 million dead - caused by conflict in the 20th century.
5. We, the richest nation in the world, have failed in our responsibility to our own poor and to the disadvantaged across the world to help them advance their welfare in the most fundamental terms of nutrition, literacy, health and employment.
6. Corporate executives must recognize there is no contradiction between a soft heart and a hard head. Of course, they have responsibilities to stockholders, but they also have responsibilities to their employees, their customers and to society as a whole.
7. President Kennedy believed a primary responsibility of a president - indeed "the" primary responsibility of a president - is to keep the nation out of war, if at all possible.
8. War is a blunt instrument by which to settle disputes between or within nations, and economic sanctions are rarely effective. Therefore, we should build a system of jurisprudence based on the International Court - that the U.S. has refused to support - which would hold individuals responsible for crimes against humanity.
9. If we are to deal effectively with terrorists across the globe, we must develop a sense of empathy - I don't mean "sympathy," but rather "understanding" - to counter their attacks on us and the Western World.
10. One of the greatest dangers we face today is the risk that terrorists will obtain access to weapons of mass destruction as a result of the breakdown of the Non-Proliferation Regime. We in the U.S. are contributing to that breakdown.

Upsy-Downsy

Well life continues to be a real slog. Pain is constantly a problem and I regularly am unable to sleep because of it so it just gets worse. I feel like I'm being sucked down in this pain and insomnia whirlpool and I'm screaming to my doctors for help and they are too damn busy to pay attention. It's really frustrating.

The thing that has me really pissed though is my pain medication prescription went AWOL last week so now my doctor is refusing to mail it in the future. Instead, I have to ride the bus for 4 hours to pick it up in person. I'm going to try and talk to him about this next time I'm in there, but clearly that isn't going to help much. I'm also desperately seeking alternatives.

Not much is happening otherwise since I'm struggling just to keep myself fed and dishes washed. I am too tired and too sore to try it today so I'm going to try and do some laundry tomorrow. That's pretty much what my life has been reduced to.

I'm watching quite a lot of movies though and am making an effort to get reviews back on the companion page ~ view . read . listen ~. Talk about a backblog!

Robin's fine though he's bored and would love to get out for a walk or some serious play. I do throw the ball around inside the apartment for him as much as possible and he gets plenty of attention, but I think he'd really rather chase kitties.

The only other thing is I made a slight change with my meds earlier in the month. I picked the acyclovir back up since I had been having some horrible sores around my mouth pretty much every other week since I stopped it. So far the sores seem to be gone but I've noticed that the sweat attacks have intensified and I seem to be sluffing off lots of skin. I especially notice the later after showers and it's mostly an annoyance since it just leaves me feeling less clean that I'd like.

However the upside is that since getting rid of all the meds that were messing with my head I no longer have those horrible dreams and hallucinations. None. I mean, they have completely disappeared. It's really strange and I'm not really clear which drug was actually causing them since I'm still taking the most likely candidate.

This has lead me back to the untold problem of taking many different medications -- the unknown, usually untested world of drug interaction side effects. Yes, they do test drugs before allowing them to be released to the general public and they record all these side effects but there is almost NO TESTING of side effects seen when the drugs are combined with other stuff. I think this is where much of the problem lay in my past -- I don't think any single drug was responsible for any of the side effects but they all combined in this horrible morass of chemically induced problems. Talk about being caught in a web...

Never again. I don't care what the doctor thinks or says, he's going to have a very hard time ever getting me to take more than one new drug at a time. And moreover, I'm going to want to only add a single drug and live with it for a month or so to see how I change otherwise I won't know if I'm coming or going or why or what's causing it and that simply is bull shit. After all, when you complain about the side effects all they ever want to do it give you something else to add to the mess.

HIV/AIDS and the Younger Generation

Today, while looking at the dishes in the kitchen that needed washing, I thought to myself that it would really be nice to have some help a couple hours a couple times a week. Maybe if I had someone else to help with the dishes, run the vacuum cleaner around a bit, put the clothes in the drier (I expect no one to deal with my dirty clothing), stuff like that it would really be a help.

On one level, it would take off some of the pressure allowing me to maybe get a bit more done. There are things that are very hard for me to do because I need to be on my feet (washing dishes), but I might be able to do other projects that need me to stand. I don't know. I think it would help my spirits if I was not fighting so much with the basics. On another level, I would be able to connect with my community, especially if the volunteers were from the so-called "Younger Generation."

One of the problems often sighted when people try to account for the increase in HIV infection, especially with younger gay men, is that HIV/AIDS are now seen as completely manageable with drugs. Of course clever advertising by the pharmaceutical conglomerates plants that idea -- look at me, I'm HIV positive and because I take this nifty pill, I'm climbing mountains! What they don't tell you is the guy has a cork up his butt to deal with the diarrhea.

This is just and example -- many drugs, many side effects, many people with differing personal levels of tolerance. And while early in the disease process it may be entirely possible to have 'normal' life, most find this changes and deteriorates over time. But this message doesn't seem to be getting through. Instead it's "don't worry, take a pill, and live happily ever after."

I have to wonder if younger gay men, those who care about people and have yet to make too many bad decisions (especially in relation to drugs and sexual risk taking), if they were able to see what living with HIV/AIDS is really like by having more contact with guys like me, maybe they would be fortified to make better decisions and take fewer risks. But I don't have the energy to go to them and lecture and they probably won't listen to that anyway. But we still need to reach them face-to-face, man-to-man.

Beyond that, it occurs to me that when guys get mixed up with Tina (crystal methamphetamine) they finally hit a brick wall or get into trouble with the authorities. Maybe if part of their recovery and community service could be working with real people like themselves who were once making similar decisions (though I don't mean to suggest everyone gets HIV because of drugs) it might make them think about the real, long-term consequences of living the fast life here and now.

Honestly, preaching doesn't work and I think that the reason most guys my age changed our behavior in an effort to avoid the disease was because we watched it take our friends and loved ones. We need to bring that back again if we are going to reach these younger men. I also know this isn't a panacea since it won't work for every guy, but if we can change one mind, if we can give a guy an experience that helps him decide to stay negative, it would be one less to worry about.

I know there are other issues involved in why guys are engaging in risky behavior, but we are going to need to do something meaningful to address these issues. I'm sorry, but the Bush Solution - abstinence is the only way - is not going to register with gay men or much of anyone outside the Evangelical community.

We need to start addressing this as a community, the way we addressed the original epidemic, brother-to-brother with the generous help and support of our lesbian sisters and straight family and friends. And maybe, at the same time, we can help those of us suffering from the continued retraction of benefits and social services.

Making do and getting by

Well, I don't seem to be making much progress quite yet. I have a day or two where I do okay and then it's a real slog for the next few just to make do. I do try to get out in the garden every day or two for at least a little while but that's about it. There are plenty of cherry tomatoes still to pick and even with the rain, the gardens under the eaves don't get natural rain so I have to supplement. I'm sure I'll soon be cleaning out stuff as it dies off with the cooler weather.

I have to admit the increase in pain and seeming inability to get past the fatigue is really trying me emotionally right now. So I guess I'm not feeling like I'm making much headway since summer but I try to remind myself that I don't know how long it will take to recover from that long, difficult spell which included so little sleep.

Speaking of sleep, I seem to spend quite a long time in bed though I never sleep longer than 2 hours at a stretch. So while I may sleep 10 - 12 or even up to 14 hours during a given night, my body never gets that beautiful, deep, rejuvenating sleep that one needs. So even with all the rest, I don't seem to be getting better.

As for the aid of medication, there has been no headway made thanks to the doctors. For the meantime I've been trying valium but at what seems to me a low dosage, it is almost useless. Remembering the drug I used to use (but caused seizures) about one half hour after taking it I would feel really sleepy and would be out for 4 - 6 hours. I wished it would work a bit longer, but at least it was working.

Now, these drugs that I've been provided seem to make me a bit relaxed -- maybe more like a good stiff scotch than a sleeping pill -- but the real problem with them is the waking up or should I say "getting up." I wake up a lot, but I feel groggy, sleepy, and simply not ready to get up so I tend to stay in bed. I've tried forcing myself out of bed with the alarm clock but that doesn't help at all. Generally all I feel then is more tired and the day is shot.

I've also promised myself that I will listen to my body better and do what it needs rather than force it to do what it can't. I do notice that there is a time when I wake in the morning and I feel ready to get up and get about the day. Some times this happens after 8 hours, some times longer. I still may be slow for a couple hours in the morning as I wake - I can no longer jump out of bed and get busy the way I did just a few years ago when I was working - but after that I feel well enough to try and do something that day.

Anyway, back to meds, the silly doctors still have not even tried submitting the paperwork for the new medication Ambien. All it is, from both sides, is "I called, left a message, and heard nothing back..." Well what the hell do they expect if they never answer their own phone - someone has to answer the phone or they will never talk. Maybe they try returning the call, get voice mail, know the drill, and don't even bother. Who knows?

WHO CARES!

I'm the one who suffers because they can't get their shit together and talk to each other. This has continued on for almost 6 months now, each blaming the other, and me in increasing pain. I still believe that the inability to get a decent night's sleep regularly is contributing to the increased pain.

And that's the real problem - the pain is increasing and much more troublesome. Where only a few months ago I felt well enough to do the 11 or so round trip to the library on foot, now a block and a half is about it. A trip through the grocery store is exhausting though with a break/rest I can do other things later on in the day. I have to take frequent, extended breaks while washing dishes even.

Yesterday, I tried to make myself a nice dinner. I had picked up some boiled shrimp at the store on Sunday and had some frozen pasta in the freezer. Since the heavy rains over the weekend, many, many of the cherry tomatoes burst so I decided to make a creamy tomato sauce for the pasta with herbs and peppers from the garden. I used milk and dried parmesan cheese and used the hand blender to cream it up. It was yummy even though while still boiling down the veggies the chicken broth/white wine boiled down much too fast and I didn't recognize the smell before it was too late.

Then, while pouring the pasta through the strainer the Pyrex dish disintegrated. I managed to separate out the pasta from the glass since it was ravioli and it floated nicely. I was frustrated but at least still enjoyed the dinner. But I feel like much of type of thing has been happening over the last couple of weeks. I drop lots of stuff -- maybe I dropped the Pyrex dish, actually, I believe I did, but it didn't break at that point. Instead, it created a weakness that somehow caused it to break apart.

I'm finding my frustration growing -- I'm tired, I'm in increasing pain, and too many things seem to be going wrong. Why do I continue with all this? I'm back to struggling along just to get by. Other than an occasional good movie, interesting documentary, or pretty flower, what is there? Since I can't exercise, I'm now going to have to give up the last thing I have left -- yummy food -- in a last ditch effort to lose some weight. If I lose some maybe that will help with the pain but I enjoy those chocolates, that ice cream, and I never stop craving cookies, cake and pie.

Now I know better than to stop it completely so I am trying to figure out limitations (sweets limited to two mini-candy bars and three cookies a day) and fat becomes the bugaboo. This is the way I've had success losing weight in the past but I've been able to mix in plenty of exercise. Also, I knew it short-term. But how long will I need to do this?

Additionally, since I rely heavily on food made by friends who are not concerned about fat content I neither know what's in it nor have much control other than to eat or not eat. I am afraid that I'm giving up my last pleasures now - granted, out of desperation to do anything to help with the pain - and will soon have nothing.

I don't know. The other issue is I'm finding I want to be around any and all people less and less. Part is simply not feeling well, part is feeling over burdened by just getting by, but more than anything I need a vacation like everyone needs a change from day-to-day existence now and then. I may be forgetting something, but my last getaway was in 2002 and it was pretty much downhill from there. If ever there was a man (and a dog) who needed a week or two in a cabin, it is me.