Life with Pain -- Tredding Water

Well, I'm doing a bit better emotionally but I still feel like I haven't gotten this new uptake in pain under control. I've decided that the main thing I need to do is get lots of sleep. I don't know if it has much to do with the whole thing, but one thing that has suffered this summer is my sleep. So I'm going to work on getting 10 - 12 hours of sleep daily for the next couple of weeks and see if that helps any.

I feel like I'm getting my mind around the change. I hadn't really realized how unprepared I was to be pulled back from hopes of longer walks and some real exercise to just making do. The last couple of weeks have been focused just on eating, doing dishes, and keeping the garden watered. I've been able to get some other things done around the house if they don't require a lot of standing, but I really feel like I'm struggling just to make do now.

I also feel like I need some serious alone time. One thing that isn't really helping is going outside and having to answer 50 questions from the neighbors. Actually, I've had my fill of questions related to the pain all together. I just need to spend some time on my own working through things, making adjustments - I don't need to talk about it much more unless someone's a doctor who can help.

Luckily, the anger and frustration are fading away. I'm no where near as short tempered as I was a couple weeks ago though so Robin's not needing to find a hiding place as much. I do find myself getting frustrated with all the things I'm dropping now. (Luckily those Corelle dishes resist breaking.) But mostly I just want to be on my own for a while until I'm feeling a bit better.

I would also really like the Methhead neighbor to go away. Yesterday was a lovely day -- oh how we needed some good rain -- so I had all the doors open. Then they started going at it again and this was one of the worst fights in months. Why is every time they fight they end up using death as part of their weaponry? If it's not "I don't care if you kill yourself" then it's "I wish you were dead." I wasn't exactly sure but I almost thought I heard a threat yesterday. I've got this nagging suspsicion we are all going to end up testifying for the state in a murder case some day... Gee, the windows are closed but I think I hear them now.

Posted via Opera

Well, I changed the cookies setting in Opera and it allowed me to log in this time. However, there are almost no features available - no formating or even a button to make adding links easier. Clearly, Blogger isn't offering very good support of browsers other than IE and Firefox.

I'm Tired of Firefux

Well this past week I had enough of Firefox. Eventhough I've upgraded to the latest version, it still crashes too often (daily or multiple times a day) and seems to be so damn slow.

However, while I've been able to do just about everything else with Opera 8.1, you get a message saying that cookies and javascript are disabled (when they clearly aren't) and therefore can't login to the site.

Is there any browser on the Mac that actually works?

Why Does Hillsboro Hate Dogs?

Well a friend came out from Portland today to take Robin and I to Jackson Bottom Wetlands but as we get out of the car we see that dogs are not welcome there either. So we got back in the car and left.

I won't go back -- simply put, if Robin isn't welcome, then I'm not welcome. I cannot go for two walks a day, so if I'm going for a walk, then he's coming along too.

It is absolutely ridiculous that Hillsboro bans dogs in so many places. I'm sure the attitude is everyone lives in a big house with a huge back yard and therefore they already have a place to recreate with their canine companions, but what about those of us stuck in apartments?!?

My Birthday's Only 3 Months Away!!!

I know I'm going to want and need to ask for more important things for my birthday, but I'd really love to do something so that I can have one of these cakes this year! I know last year I turned 40, so this year is less climatic but thinking in terms of being 8 months past life at Villa Crappy, getting on with new, better things, and just returning to the land of the living seems reason enough to me to have a really cool, once-in-a-lifetime birthday cake!

So, will it be a brunch get-together at a local eatery or potluck at the apartment this coming year? I need to start planning if someone's going to supply the cake!

Any offers?

A New Taste of Pain

Well, while the rest of the country might be overtaken by undirected anger, I think I'm getting a handle on why I'm so angry these last few days. Of course the heat is partially to blame but more than anything I think the increase in pain is fueling the problem.

Now that it has become almost unbearable to do something as simple as fix dinner or wash the dishes, I'm finding if quite difficult to cope. Overall I'm in pretty good spirits and everything else is okay, but this thing about my body feeling intensly itchy but also feeling the sensation of a burning/cutting that is hard to deal with.

I'm beginning to wonder if my immune system isn't going crazy for some reason. While the problem is at it's worst when I'm in the kitchen or trying to walk Robin, I am noticing this problem to a much lower level body wide much of the time. But it is always when I am active. It's almost as if my body is attacking itself when I exercise.

The problem is not knowing what to do about it. I can and have taken some generic Benedryl (diphenhydramine hedrochloride) but it doesn't always take care of the problem and can make me very sleepy.

I'm also trying other things like wearing shoes when in the kitchen and a friend picked me up a very nice stool yesterday, but one does nothing and the other creates more problems. For some reason, the standing in one place that is required when doing dishes is the issue and this doesn't seem to be the problem when I'm outside watering the garden. There I must move around just enough to relieve whatever chemical reaction is being created.

As for the stool, well, it was a good idea but there is the problem of what to do with my legs and I find myself headed for problems with stretching and reaching. If I don't tear a muscle or something, I will definately drop and break a plate. I've wondered if changing the height of the stool might help, but I don't think that's going to do it since I'll still have the reaching issue to contend with.

So now I'm really stumped about what to do in the kitchen. This is a huge hit to take and it's not easy to come up with a workaround. This is very frustrating.

Additionally, I seem to be bumping, dropping, and knocking things over at an increasing rate and this is wearing me down as well. I've tried over the last few days to rearrange things a bit to make this less of an issue, but it is going to take a lot more than just rearranging. One big problem is not having enough surface area next to the recliner -- I just don't have a place to be able to set things down when I need to go and do something else.

All this is currently pressing on me in a way that has left me very short and cranky. I feel a bit better after my friend took me shopping yesterday -- in addition to the stool, he picked up some much needed groceries so I'll make it through to my next batch of food stamps and hopefully will do a bit better at the store next month.

Well, I better get back to the blasted dishes. Things have been waiting on the counter now for over a week. That doesn't mean I haven't done dishes in that length of time, but I just can't go for very long before the pain is too much to stand -- quite literally.

My Thoughts on the War Inspired by Sheehan

I came across a 'guest editorial' on a site called truthout which I have every reason to believe was really written by Cindy Sheehan and expresses what is in her mind. Not only does this tell me what she is about, it drives home to me that I'm ready to cut the media out of the equation all together. Why can't everyone making news just blog and we can go read the stuff right from the horses' mouths...

Here are a couple quotes from Cindy which really struck me as important:

Where are the pro-war people?...I still challenge them to go to Iraq and let another soldier come home. Perhaps a soldier that is on his/her third tour of duty, or one that has been stop-lossed after serving his/her country nobly and selflessly, only to be held hostage in Iraq by power mad hypocrites who have a long history of avoiding putting their own skin in the game.

and

I have stood up and said: "My son died for NOTHING, and George Bush and his evil cabal and their reckless policies killed him. My son was sent to fight in a war that had no basis in reality and was killed for it."...I say my son died for LIES. George Bush LIED to us and he knew he was LYING.

But towards the end of her piece, she says:

I think they seriously "misunderestimated" all mothers. I wonder if any of them had authentic mother-child relationships and if they are surprised that there are so many mothers in this country who are bear-like when it comes to wanting the truth and who want to make meaning of their child's needless and seemingly meaningless deaths?

This last bit seems a bit harsh and nasty. I've been wondering about much of the rhetoric and even contemporary dramatic dialogue -- it seems so angry and mean-spirited -- have we really devolved into a society of perpetually angry people who, lacking a real and worthy focus for such anger, seem to direct it towards any and everyone who crosses our path? Now granted, Sheehan has plenty of reason to be angry and in a way I admire that there is only this one little swipe but, more than anything, her statement seems a product of our times.

It is easy to see how anyone could be distracted by such a statement and then drift off into complaining about it rather than facing up to her real message. After all, her real message is painful and reminds us of our relative powerlessness to change what is currently happening in Washington and Iraq while further making those who fell for Bush's bull shit line feel that much smaller. It is much easier to focus on a relatively crazy statement like "Bush's real problem is that he didn't have a good relationship with his mother" rather than dealing with the results of admitting that one bought Bush's pack of lies.

The thing though that troubles me more than anything is that as a nation, we put so much energy into President Clinton lying about his cigar hiding techniques which finally culminated in impeachment and trial before Congress BUT our current President lies, goes to war, and kills thousands of Americans and that's perfectly okay. Talk about screwed priorities! The American people are getting exactly what they deserve: they didn't say "NO WAR!" and they were dumb enough to re-elect the bastard. It's hard to have any pity for them but for the fact that clearly no more than roughly 50% of people voted for this man.

But that's the result in a winner-takes-all democracy and again, you get what you pay for. I have virtually no doubt that if an election happened today the result would be the same. The same voters would re-elect the same horrible president and nothing would change. The only thing that might bode poorly for the current administration is rising gasoline prices -- could Americans be so insane to vote against a man who is killing their children only because of the rise in the price of crude?

Of course they could be! And that is the ultimate irony in this morass -- the war was always about oil. To believe otherwise is at best naive and at worst a bold faced lie. While the voters might be happy to react at the polls on the issue of gas prices, how would they have reacted if Bush had said:

Listen folks, here's the bottom line. We need to secure a better source of foreign oil.

Saudi Arabia is becoming increasingly risky and unstable -- who knows how long that gravy train will roll. Nigeria is again on the edge of civil war and then those crazy Venezuelans think that everyone should benefit from the country's relative wealth. Europe has first dibs on the North Sea and who knows what is going to happen in Russia and the Caspian.

Additionally, those crazy Chinese and Indians, well, now they think they have a right to the world's oil too and between them, that's almost 50% of the world's population! Can you imagine if each of those foreigners were to use 10% of what an American uses each day?!? Demand would go through the ceiling and you know what that would do to prices -- see, it's all about supply and demand.

So look, we can get rid of this idiot in Baghdad -- he's relatively week (weaker than the Iranians) -- and install a government that will be friendly to us so that we can secure our position in the Iraqi oilfields. That should help reduce the upward pressure on oil prices for the next couple of years...

How many mother's would have tossed their children into the minivan, headed for the recruiting station, and sent them off for cheaper oil?

But no, Bush taps into 9/11 paranoia and says "Sadam's behind it all AND he's got a nuclear bomb aimed at American cities" and everyone's gung ho. Yeah, big difference and so now people are watching the dead chickens coming home to roost and they are upset? Fine time.

Swedish library 'lends' out gays, minorities

Few things need no comment...

Gay.com U.K.Wed Aug 17, 8:24 PM ET

This summer a Swedish library is offering to lend out representatives of minority groups, including lesbian and gay people, in a bid to tackle prejudice and discrimination.

The real-life lending system will also include religious leaders and members of ethnic minorities, in a bid to help minorities and local people mix.

Organized by Malmo Library, those taking part in the scheme will be able to take their lent representatives outside for a 45-minute conversation about their beliefs, culture and way of life.

A spokesperson for the library told the AFP news agency that the idea is to challenge preconceived ideas about people.

Ulla Brohed said the majority of people's prejudices come from being "just uninformed."

A gay person, an imam, a journalist and a Gypsy will take part in the first stages of the project.

Sheehan vs the Bush

I have only been following the Sheehan story peripherally since this is exactly the sort of thing the media loves, drives, and blows completely out of proportion. Generally, I support Sheehan's right to protest -- she is clear about what her goal is. Of course, while I would like Bush to be a bigger man and at least give her 15 minutes of his time, part of me realizes that if he does it for one, then all the crazies and motivated will basically do the same thing.

I guess I'm of divided opinion on how this is affecting Bush's Texas neighbors. Part of me thinks they are getting everything the deserve since if they hadn't given Bush support, we might all not be in this mess now. (Why didn't they just keep him drunk, drugged, and down on the ranch?!?) But clearly, the bigger part of me would find this very disruptive, annoying, and I wouldn't want to be within hearing distance of such a disaster.

Of course that means some are taking out their own frustration on both the Sheehan and Bush camps and I'm guessing this has something to do with their overall feelings on the bigger issues related to the war. Maybe it was about time that something indirect started to galvanize folk. Clearly, it's not easy to take a stand on the actual US policy related to Iraq -- if you are against the war then that means you support terrorists, right? And it is entirely likely that many feel that while something needed to be done to Saddam, it is easy to have some complaints and disagreements about what was down, how it all went down, and the years and years of pain we will have to suffer through for years to come.

Anyway, KATU (Portland's ABC affiliate on channel 2) wants to know "Do you support or oppose what she is doing?" Have your say. What I found most interesting is that 0% have replied "Not Sure" so it's clear that people have strong feelings about this one.

DataViz Hosers

I've been really having trouble with my food budget lately. This month I used all my food stamps in only two days and now I don't have any left to buy food through the rest of the month. The thing that really amazed me though was I didn't buy a bunch of junk or crap.

A couple days leading up to the trip to WinCo, I worked hard to prepare a shopping list. This is actually something I've been working on for a few months now. I put together a spreadsheet where I have tried to list all the things that I use and need. I've always been more of a larder-style cooker rather than the type who goes to the store a couple times a week and only buys food for the next day or so. So when I get ready for a trip to the store, I can compare what I have on the shelf to my spreadsheet and then know what I need to buy. Hopefully this will limit the I think I need some of this and hmmm, maybe I can use this types of purchases. This should help with the budget, right?

I tend to make a single run to stock up the larder once a month (usually to WinCo where I can buy things in bulk) with a couple other trips during the remainder of the month to pick up fresh fruit, veggies, dairy, etc and anything I have run out of since that time. I've tried to get a sense on what things are more expensive to buy at the local store and these are the things that I try to buy a month's supply at WinCo.

[Now I realize that I'd allowed my larder to go down quite a bit because of the move. I had done some limited restocking, but I think I'd really allowed my stuff to get depleted while relying on more prepared foods that normal since the move. But that's another issue.]

My hope was to figure out a way to be able to bring the file back and forth between my Sony Clie PEG-SL10 and Excel X on my Apple laptop running OS X 10.2.8. Needless to say, something are simply easier to do on a bigger computer, but I don't want to try and cart it to the grocery store.

Additionally, I have needed an easier way to track medical information -- lab/test results, medications, etc and simply writing out as a memo provides no ability to really make use of the data, especially over time. This could prove a very useful way to make more use out of the Clie, especially if my laptop dies and I end up on an actual computer only now and then.

Last, I need to collect information on the palm (at the store or medical facility) and it would be nice to not need to reenter it on the laptop. Isn't this the concept behind sync'ing palms with desktops or laptops? And wait, didn't my Clie come with version of DocumentsToGo by DataViz? Hey, that should take care of it, right? HELL NO!

DataViz Pulls Out the Hose

So I get out my original Clie CD and try to figure out what's up. Of course the only thing on the CD is a Windows version of the DataViz software so it's off to dataviz.com and I quickly grow very frustrated. The only way to get any support from the website is to enter your Registration Number and of course, the only way to get that is to run the Windows software.

After wasting over an hour (probably closer to two), I find a form that allows me to send an email to the company's sales department asking what the heck I'm supposed to do. Here's what I got back:

Thank you for your inquiry. Unfortunately we do not offer a Mac version of the Documents To Go v.4 Standard Edition that came bundled with your device. Documents To Go Premium Edition v.6 is our only Mac-compatible version currently available for your Palm OS 4 device (Premium and Standard v.7 only support Palm OS 5 or higher).

You are eligible to upgrade to the Premium Edition for the DataViz customer price of $29.99. However, this upgrade would not be possible via our website because you are registered under a WIN version of Docs To Go.

Wow. Thanks. I basically told them that I thought it was ridiculous to have to 'repurchase' software that was already included and couldn't afford it even if I thought this was a pretty decent solution. I mentioned that I'm disabled and not working and got back:

Sorry for the difficulties. The version of Docs To Go that comes with that device is over 4 years old. Also, at that time and until the end of production, Sony devices were only officially compatible with WIN machines. So, that is why we do not have WIN/Mac compatibility information listed in regards to that device.

Sorry we could not be of better assistance.

So, in other words, "gee, you are using an ancient device and need to buy a new one!"

I am a bit unclear about the Win/Mac thing as I know Roger bought the Clie for me specifically because I was using an Apple laptop. His concern was that other palms wouldn't work with the Apple but the Clie would and it had software that allowed for Word/Excel documents to used on the Clie. So part of me feels very deceived.

Two Sides of a Coin

From the company's point of view I can see that if they only thought the Clie was going to be used with Windows systems and that they might consider Apple users to have not purchased the software. So then maybe their offer of a $29.99 upgrade could be seen as a nice way to help Apple users.

But on the other hand, these folks have not won me over. To me, they not only wanted me to buy the software when the Clie was originally purchased but now they want me to buy it again. Sure, maybe working people who have more money and less time will say, "thanks for the bit of a discount, here's my credit card number..." and consider it a good deal. I'm sure they make plenty of sales relying on this type of behavior. That's simply not an option here. I gave them the chance to 'help' and all they want is more money - that seems pretty clear. And capitalists wonder why they have a such a bad rep with the poor!?!

And even if I could afford the $30, I don't know that I'd want to give it to this company! Mostly, I was really aggravated that there was no documentation on their website dealing with Mac users though clearly their SL10 page implies Mac support (though upon thinking about it, the key is "latest version" and does not document the software originally supplied). The whole thing about needing to enter a Registration Number to get any help but not being able to get a Registration Number unless the Clie is used with a Windows machine was such a pain in the ass! Then I have this sneaking suspicion that the software would still not work the way I want it to, but by then they'd have money so what would they care!!! No thanks - I won't give them yet another chance to screw me over!

Screw the Tech Industry

I'm so disgusted with the whole tech industry and much of what is being produced by it. I'm sick of this 2 - 3 year product replacement cycle! When my friend Terry asked me what I wanted to do about the problem laptop, one of the things I said was that I'd much rather work harder to find an older machine that was built for reliability than put everything I might be able to get my hands on in the next couple of years to buy a cheap, low-end, recently manufactured laptop that will only need to be replaced again in a couple of years. Simply put, I just can't replace a computer every couple of years.

Even if I can sell something and put together some Christmas money so that I can buy a computer, I will have to save up for it and it will most likely be the last computer I buy in this lifetime. I'm going to be very, very angry if it stops working a couple years later simply because it was a piece of shit to begin with. Sure, $500 is nothing for a laptop when you look from the industry's perspective, but for someone in my shoes, it's a pot of gold and precious gemstones.

But then again, when have the poor mattered?!?

FreeWare Warriors

So now I'm hunting for some sort of freeware solution. I'm not sure what it will be at this point, but I guess the bottom line is some sort of spreadsheet functionality on the Clie. I checked out a couple freeware spreadsheets a couple months ago and either they didn't do anything (not enough functionality yet) or you just couldn't really see anything on the screen.

I have a copy of something called db-pilot but have not yet figured out how to make a palm based database program import and export CSV files to go back and forth to Excel. I'm sure that there is something out there that will allow me to do what I need to do - track data on the palm - and not cost me anything but time.

Personally, I wish there was something I could do to support the work of freeware developers (other than those hiding their spyware under the freeware banner) since this is what we really need in the computer world today. The more freeware that is developed, the more choices we will have as consumers, and we won't have to "buy or do without" when clearly there are options available. Granted, that's also what piracy is all about as well.

Gay Hillsboro

I find myself wondering: Are there any other gay men in Hillsboro?

Of course statistically speaking, I must believe there are. Additionally, I would swear that most of the men I used to meet when I lived in SE Portland lived in Hillsboro. But I don't seem to know where they are at. One of my neighbors has a vehicle with a rainbow bear sticker, but I've never seen any guys in the yard (only women). I also believe my noisy neighbors are gay, but the most recent rumors have it they are involved with activities that even I find repulsive - that even beyond their crazy screaming fights accompanied by breaking things heard all around the neighborhood.

From time to time, when I'm out and about, I see some guy and wonder, "Hmmm, could he be gay?" Of course then there are the times when I see some guy and think, "Oh my! How I do wish he were gay!" But in a town which feels so overwhelmingly straight, it's hard to feel community here.

I did check the ads a Craigslist.com but was disappointed to only find guys wanting to 'get some... right now... no strings attached.' Hmmm, doesn't really sound like the makings of good, meaningful friendships to me though I'm sure such relationships derive some of their pleasures from, let's say, emotional release. And while I would be lying if I claimed that such connections were repulsive to me, I'm much more interested in making friends and getting to know people in my new community.

I'm sure many people still go to Portland to socialize at the bars, clubs, organizations, and other venues were LBGTQ folks are known to congregate, and I know I may have to resort to going to Portland to meet some new people, but it seems somewhat risky since the likelihood will be much more contact with the statistically higher number of gay men who live in Portland.

Now I'm not harboring some deep seated prejudice against Portlanders or anything -- I'll happily make friends with interesting people no matter when they are -- but I'd really like to make some friends I can get together with without the need for extensive travel. I can put my energy into socializing or traveling, but don't seem to have enough to do both. Wouldn't it be nice if I could find someone who lived in the general area and liked to walk, bike, watch movies or garden? Maybe we could even have lunch at one another's home and wander the shops of downtown Hillsboro one afternoon. I think it would be nice to find someone local to hang out with.

Yo! Gay Men of Hillsboro! Are you OUT here?!?

Visiting the Coast Range and Washington County Roads

Well, after doing a couple quick chores around the apartment this morning, Terry took Robin and me out to the Coast Range for a bit of fresh air and relief from the heat. Unfortunately, I think we spent more time in the car than we did in the creek, but it was still worth the trip.

The Trip West

I have to wonder about Washington County's priorities yet again -- we figured that we could take Oregon Hwy 8/Gales Creek Road west of Forest Grove and connect up with the Wilson River Hwy 6 (to Tillamook) and go to Gales Creek Campground if we couldn't find a park or something before then.

Of course the drive out through west Hillsboro and the mostly farmland that separates it from the cities of Cornelius and Forest Grove is pleasant enough though not terribly scenic. I have to admit that Cornelius is not much to look at. It may have been incorporated in 1893 but it definitely feels like a low-end 'burb now with it's track housing, trailers, and strip malls.

At least Forest Grove feels like a real village or town. Not only is it dominated by Pacific University (the 'ole PU) famous for its School of Optometry, but it actually has a city center with real shops and people walking along the streets. Forest Grove must be the nicest community in Washington County (with Hillsboro running second and mostly suffering because of its size). I might even take the bus out of Forest Grove one morning and walk around when I'm feeling a bit better.

West of Forest Grove we find a sign saying that Gales Creek Road would be closed so many miles ahead the week of Aug 8 - 14. Well, Terry figured that he'd see if the road was really closed or maybe if the project might have finished early so we drove up and I wasn't too surprised to find out that the road was really, completely closed. But hey, he was driving and I don't have partnership rights to tell him how to do that unless he is lost (or losing it).

However, we both found it strange that there was no sign where OR Hwy 47 crosses OR Hwy 8 in Forest Grove advising of the road closure nor any detour signs along the way. Interestingly, some maps show this part of Gales Creek Road as being OR Hwy 8 though many online mapping sites do not, nor was the construction project listed on Tripcheck.com (in fact, Tripcheck.com shows Hwy 8 ending at Forest Grove). So basically we had to turn around and try to find another way to get to OR Hwy 6/Wilson River Hwy.

I don't know how much time we wasted winding around on back country roads. One the one hand, it's always nice to see places I've not been before but on the other, we didn't have a lot of time and that spent on the roads meant less time on Gales Creek. I was rather surprised though with the amount of corn fields our west of Forest Grove - I didn't know they grew much corn this far to the west - and wonder if it is for human or bovine consumption.

I also find myself wondering at how Washington County spends millions on it's new Civic Center (part town hall, part free water park, part Taj Mahal) and yet unable to provide simple signs advising visitors on road detours. And the people who run this county wonder why voters don't want to give them any money?

It's the simple things, like not being able to find your way, that stick in my mind when I'm filling in ovals on a ballot. Maybe my fellow residents are impressed by grand buildings, but I'm not. Or then again, maybe they aren't and that helps explain why everything gets voted down out here.

But I digress as I am prone/commanded to do.

Toes in the Creek, Head in the Trees

Gales Creek Campgroundis actually pretty nice though initially I was a bit displeased by the amount of kid noise, but we were able to walk away from that. Not only is it heavily forested and set well below the highway, thus eliminating that noise, it is laid out in such a way as to maximize the setting. Instead of rows of campsites right against each other, each is surrounded by vegetation with the next campsite down the single lane dirt road a stretch. One can see neighbors if one is standing up and in the perfect spot, so really this a simpler campground but much nicer in my book since you actually do feel more out with nature (rather than in a mall parking lot in the woods). I might even stay here if I was to go camping.

The creek was fairly low and VERY COLD. I took off my shoes and tried to wade in it a bit but it was just too cold for me to take for very long. Plus, I forgot my Teva's, so the rocky streambed really hurt my feet. Still, it was very refreshing to have my lower legs in free running water again -- it's been too long.

Robin, who long seemed descended from the Wicked Witch of the West's hydrophobic dog, actually got in the spirit of the day and retrieved sticks from the creek. He probably got in about chest deep but seemed to draw the line if he could feel much current. Hmmm, maybe he was traumatized when his mommy's water broke and he got sucked out of the warm, moist womb away from all his brother's and sisters... It was a short visit, but fun none the less.

On the way back I told Terry that I'm not sure what I'd do all day in a place like that now though that I can't walk much. In the past, we could have easily spent hours hiking, swimming, hiking, picnicking, hiking, swimming, etc but now it gets kind of boring after a point since I can't explore all that much. I can see why some people get so drunk when they go camping. (I think I'd rather take a book.) Terry likes to fish, but I'm not sure that I'd find that stimulating enough. On the contrary, I might find myself strangely drawn to the People for the Ethical Treatment of Fish or something.

The trip back went fairly well though we had yet another road 'issue.' As we approached the Jackson School exit from US 26 (Sunset Hwy) it looked like the exit was closed for rebuilding. There was lots of excavation work going on but no signs telling much about it. Terry says, "I think that your exit is closed," and then just as we are about to drive past we notice a small, almost temporary-looking turnoff. Now maybe that is the way it's been for a number of years and they are constructing a beautiful new interchange around the original exit but for someone who has never used it before, we need a bit more help than a last second sign. It sure seems like the signs in this county assume that only natives ever drive around this place.

So that was the big day today - a quick romp in the stream and a lesson in Washington County's substandard road signage. It's too damn hot outside though not too bad in the living room here. Robin's out like a light - I guess the exercise did him lots of good! Don't know if he'll get a bath tomorrow or if I'll just finish hosing the moss of the neighbors' patio. Now that I think about it, it might be nice to do that now to get a bit more cool water.

Bridge Pedal - ONLY for the Rich!!

I have always thought how much fun it would be to be able to bike over the Portland bridges which are closed to bikes. I had actually planned to participate in Providence's Bridge Pedal back in 2000, but since that was the year I got very ill, it didn't happen.

So when I checked out their website this morning and see they are requiring $20 for advanced registration or $25 at the event, my jaw dropped. Sure, they are trying to raise money for the Bicycle Transportation Alliance (a worthy cause), but that seems incredibly expensive.

Hey, at least they broadcast the message loud and clear -- Poor People Not Welcome Here!!!

How Am I Doing?

This is a good question.

Right now, I'm really annoyed with Blogger. One of the things that drives me nuts about relying on another service is when it's not working, I have no idea why it's not working, what the status is, what can be done to fix it, and on and on and on. It all comes back to why I want to be able to do things for myself.

I still haven't made any headway on the laptops though the TiBook doesn't seem to be acting up quite as much recently. I haven't done anytthing to it, but I'm happy that it's behaving. Maybe I will take another poke around and see if there is any kind of HTML editor freeware that I could stand. My last post took 5 BLEEDING MINUTES to upload! Now keep in mind, that's a 36kb graphic, boy, that must have stressed the servers...

Overall though I seem to be suffering from too much desire and no where near enough energy. Since I've generally been feeling better, I think I've been pushing myself a bit harder than maybe I should. Now don't get confused, this doesn't mean that I'm trying to run a marathon, feed the World's children, clean the Willamette, or figure out how to remove the NeoCon's from the throne of power. No, we are talking simple stuff like cooking, doing dishes, washing the windows, working in the garden, vacuuming, taking a shower, walking with Robin, and the like. There is just so much that I want to do and I don't feel like I've got nearly enough energy and I do seem to run out of time too.

I've been trying during the last week to get back on schedule. I noticed that pretty much every day I was falling asleep around 9pm. Since it was clear that my body was working towards a schedule, I hoped that I could adjust that to my normal schedule so I took some sleeping pills for two nights to insure that I got to sleep and actually slept. That worked well enough though I felt somewhat tired and hungover yesterday. It made it difficult to do much of anything though I still got the garden watered and went to the neighbor's to pull weeds. But a couple hours later, I couldn't stay awake.

So even though I was tired -- probably more like exhausted -- I went to bed early in the hope that I could get a good night's sleep naturally but no luck. I did sleep last night, but it was on and off and somewhat uncomfortable. I just wanted to get a decent night's sleep but it was like the chemicals wouldn't flow right in my brain.

I still got up at 2am when I wanted to and I will say that I feel much better now than I did a couple hours ago. I'm not confident that I'm going to get much done today and I'm trying to tell myself that it's okay. I feel like I need to get some stuff done (dishes, shower, DHS grievance, electric bike research, eating) and there is plenty more that I'd like to do (vacuum, fix the headboard, plant some seeds, walk Robin). We'll see what gets done.

Other than these issues related to sleep and feeling rested, I feel pretty good. My mood is excellent and even this running out of steam isn't getting me down. There just doesn't feel like the negative pressure and stress I had a year ago. I just feel like I need to get my schedule back, so that I get enough sleep and feel rested, and yet have as much time during the day to do all the things I'd like to do.

Boredom?!?

What I don't get is how people can complain about boredom. I mean, I don't even have time to think about being bored since there is just so much that I want to do. Let's see, there is fixing the laptops, writing, creating webpages, bathing Robin, learn to draw, learn to paint, practice writing Japanese, create new cards, make all sorts of crafts, make a coat hanger thing for behind the front door, finish cleaning Ruby's patio, work on my backyard, clean the apartment... Shall I continue?!? Then there are books to read, movies to watch, magazines...

How can people be bored?

Now I can understand how some might feel lonely. For my part, I have been feeling like I've had too much contact with others recently. Yes, I'd like to expand my circle of friends and meet some new people from the Hillsboro area, but that is a different thing. I kind of feel like I'd like to pack up my books, art/craft supplies, camera, Robin and go hole up in a cabin on the beach or in the mountains for a couple of weeks. I'd just like to hole up for a while, mostly to explore this creativity.

Oh, and I think I may finally have some insight as to why I'm not such a good artist. [And you can keep your "you are a good artist, you just need to let it out" type stuff to yourself. I'm passed that.] I realized that I don't see images in my mind. I've been trying really hard to see pictures when I close my eyes (but before I start dreaming) and it's just pretty blank.

Now don't let this mislead you, I have a very active imagination. But the difference is instead of imagining a series of images, I imagine a story. My life is more prose and less pictures. So even though I have some interesting concepts that I'd like to translate into artwork, I don't find that I have have a graphic concept of it in my mind.

So this will be interesting to work on. I can't say that I will or won't be able to change this, but at least I can be aware that it is the way that my mind works (or doesn't, one might argue). All I can do is look at ways to maybe add this functionality - though I don't really know how - or find ways to work around it. Right now, I'm tyring to find some coloring books. I figure if I don't have to worry so much about composing the pictures, maybe I can just concentrate on putting them together.

Everytime I sit down with my very cheap watercolors all I seem to do is scribble. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that, but I can't seem to create a picture since I don't have a picture in my mind to create. So maybe if I have a couple coloring books with natural scenes I can use them as a starting point, but so far all I've been able to find are the TV show and movie based ones which seem more like comic books which are left for the reader to finish with color. Maybe I just don't know the right place to look for good coloring books.

Hiroshima Messengers

By Gwen Muranaka
from The Japan Times cartoons
Sunday, Aug 7, 2005

Artists Take On Korporate AmeriKa, InK.

I find the parodies of commercial images on the website Illegal Art fun and yet full of meaning. While I understand Korporate AmeriKa's need to protect it's sacred image, anyone (or anything) that wields as much power as Korporations do today MUST be taken down a peg or two.

We can do it by blowing up or vandalizing retail establishments or we can use more appropriate and much less destructive means. I'm sorry, but I cannot and will not elevate Korporate images to the level of sacred, holy icon. It's time for a change.

Peter Pan as Gender Commentary

I guess I've never really looked a Peter Pan as a critique or satire of society's gender roles, but with the free and open nature of the Internet, one can find just about anything (as long as one isn't really looking for it). Here is the website of a man who is Peter Pan.

If you have yet to visit the site, give it a view and try to understand what he is really saying about society and especially religion. It is interesting and insightful though clearly it makes many uncomfortable.

I guess what bothers me most is that people are willing to look as something like this and assume that there is something wrong. It is the current climate of convict then prove that most bothers me. Maybe we really need a bit more lightheartedness, a tad more childlike behavior (can all the kids go to Neverneverland?), and, well, I'm not sure if we need more or less pixiedust...

Sunday Braai

It's been quite a long time since I filled my mini-grill with briquettes, added fire, and then put food on top, but I decided to give it a shot today. With the hot weather I thought it would be a nice way to get a warm, freshly-cooked meal without heating the place up. So today I put a small piece of salmon with peppers and onion, a bit of chicken sausage, and corn on the cob on the grill.

With a bit of green and potato salad, the meal came out quite good though I certainly didn't need to 'cook' the sausage for very long. It ended up pretty dried out but the corn and fish were so good I was beside myself. I'm going to have to cook on the grill a bit more often though I have a feeling I could have gotten by with a bit less charcol.

One thing though, while this match-light stuff was easy to get going and ready, I felt it left a bit of a chemical taste and smell on the fish. Certainly it was no where near as yummy as grilling over wood. Again, I don't know if this will improve by using less charcol or if it would improve with different charcol or a mix of this easy light stuff with something more 'natural.'

Now if I can find an easier way to do dishes that doesn't involve killing trees are some other misuse of resources....

Let's see, Thursday I went in to the doctor in Portland. Lab results looked good for the most part and he was very supportive of my desire to cut way back on meds. He even helped me out by changing my basic therapy from twice daily to a single dose. I still have to take my pain medication twice a day, but I'm looking forward to yet another simplification in my medication regime!

I was so exhausted when I got back from Portland, luckily 10F before the year's highest temperature, that I basically had to eat and go to bed. Friday was an early morning trip to the grocery store to stock back up on staples and now I'm set. I've been doing odds and ends around the apartment in an effort to catch back up on cleaning and other chores. Still have a way to go, but things are feeling more comfortable.

This week promises to be fairly laid back. Nothing important on the calendar and that's just how I like it. I need some relaxation and rest and I hope to catch up on housework. Then there is a dog that needs a bath...

Hillsboro Library Incompetence

For the second time in for four months, the staff at Hillsboro's Shute Park Library have not bothered to scan in a returned item. With fines of $1/day for videos (and both their mistakes have been on videos), it's a bit difficult to cut them much slack. When I told them the last time of their error, they got pretty condescending - "you need to do a better job checking your home and car. It's there. You just need to find it."

Needless to say, the item had been returned. Since I can hardly afford to pay their ridiculous fines (and I think that $1/day is way beyond an acceptable amount) I go to great pains to insure that I return things on time. I only store item in one box next to the TV and I check and double check my online account information as I pack my bag to make the trip to drop returns. I'm confident that I've not made a mistake.

Could it be that this is an attempt to raise money? Or are they just incompetent? Either way, they need to get their act together and make sure that items are checked back in.

Former leader condemns 'ex-gay' work

Larry Buhl, PlanetOut Network
Mon Aug 1, 8:27 PM ET
(originally posted here)

SUMMARY: Love in Action co-founder John Evans wrote a letter to LIA's current director John Smid, saying the movement leads to "shattered lives."

In a scathing condemnation of the movement he helped create, Love in Action co-founder John Evans wrote a letter on Saturday to LIA's current director John Smid, saying the movement leads to "shattered lives."

LIA made headlines and incited protests recently after the Web log of a 16-year-old youth named Zach Stark publicized his fears about being taken to LIA's "Refuge" gay conversion camp against his will by his fundamentalist parents.

Evans' letter is likely to further turn up the heat on LIA and the "ex-gay" movement.

In 1973, Evans, a gay man, along with heterosexual preacher Kent Philpott, founded Love in Action, one of the first modern gay conversion groups, in San Rafael, Calif. Evans later dropped out after his best friend committed suicide after his gay "conversion" failed.

"In the past 30 years since leaving the 'ex-gay' ministry I have seen nothing but shattered lives, depression and even suicide among those connected with the 'ex-gay' movement," he told Smid.

Saying he understands now that one can be gay and Christian, Evans encouraged Christians to "investigate all sides of the issue of being gay and Christian. The church has been wrong in the past regarding moral issues, and I'm sure there will be more before Christ returns."

The letter was posted at waynebesen.com, a blog published by Wayne Besen, an author and activist who wrote, "Anything But Straight: Unmasking Scandals and Lies Behind the Ex-gay Myth," which featured a chapter on Evans. Although Evans came out publicly years ago, the letter marks the first condemnation of the movement to a larger audience.

"Having the founder of a movement he created say it doesn't work and is even harmful should send shockwaves through the 'ex-gay' ministry," Besen told the PlanetOut Network. "This is like Randall Terry saying Operation Rescue is bunk, or James Dobson repudiating Focus on the Family."

"Evans' letter helps pull the rug out from under the reparative therapy argument and further undermines the argument of choice that the right wing has been making for political gain," said Ron Schlittler, deputy executive director of Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG).

The "reparative therapy" industry has come under increased scrutiny for using disproved medical theories to "cure" LGBT adults and youth. LIA in particular has been the target of investigations by the Tennessee Department of Health and has expunged the word "therapy" from its Web site, since it doesn't have a state license to practice psychological counseling.

Two rallies and a candlelight vigil were held over the weekend outside LIA's headquarters in Memphis, Tenn., to protest the "graduation" of Zach Stark and other new 'ex-gay' youth from Refuge. The gatherings, which attracted several dozens, according to the planners, Queer Action Coalition, also garnered media attention. Memphis station WMCTV reported that Oprah Winfrey is now looking into LIA in preparation for an exploration about ex-gay ministries on her show.

The increased public attention on LIA and other groups is a hopeful sign, Besen said, because the ministries' claims of conversion never hold up under scrutiny.

"They say they have changed hundreds of thousands of gays, but where are they?" he asked. "You can't find one person who is not on the payroll of an 'ex-gay' ministry who will go on the record to say they've been changed permanently. It's time for them to put up or shut up."

"These ministries have merged pseudo-science with religious beliefs to create, in effect, a new religion," Besen continued. "Eventually they will collapse under the weight of their deceit. But as long as they survive we will have trouble winning any political battles."

Validation Bull Shit

Well, I tried to submit my blog to some service called Technorati and they rejected it because it had too many validation errors. I went through the 240 odd "problems" and most were complaints about the way links were formatted, problems with Blogger's formatting, and issues with the way that the added content is formatted.

While I have no problem cleaning up my code, one of the issues I see with the present course of the Internet is its increasing complexity. Long gone are the days when we could just write a simple webpage. To be honest, I'm not entirely sure that if I could find a decent HTML editor for my OS X laptop that I would simply drop the blog stuff altogether and just publish pages. But then again, much of that good old HTML that was so simple and yet so effective is now "deprecated" in favor of the much more complex and difficult to learn Complex Style Sheet (CSS) and XML, XHTML, HXMTxLm, MLXTMWLXYLHMTL, and the rest.

What I really loved about the Internet in the good old days was that it was simple enough that anyone and everyone could set up a page and just about anyone could communicate with everyone. Well, it is clear that this isn't a good way for business to make money and of course how can an industry support a "professional class" without a highly complex code of rules and regulations (law, accountancy, and the like come to mind). Of course, it seems like a grand effort to take the Internet away from the people.

Then, with all the crapware floating around (virii, trojans, spyware, adware, cheapware, etc) it just becomes all that much more overwhelming. No, I don't really care if I can't see that stupid Flash intro - I am much more interested in the content. Yes, a nice design makes the viewing experience more pleasant, but I really don't care if I can't control every detail of the screen.

What a pain the Internet has become!