Desperately Seeking Apple PowerBook Adapter M7783

Well, a friend has presented me with an older Apple Macintosh PowerBook Duo 230 for me to check out and see if it will work at all for email and basic internet should my PowerBook G4 die. The Apple model number is M7783 and it's 24v. This is for a 1992 Apple Macintosh notebook. I'm attaching a photo to help you identify it if you think you might have one. I'd appreciate any help tracking one down you might be able to provide!

Today's Chuckle

One line in particular from Some Parents Worry About Daylight Change made me laugh.

"I don't know, it always creeps me out if it's dark and Oprah's on," she said.

Oh, the possibilities...

A Very Scary Thing Happened During Our Walk

I was feeling pretty well and it was still cool enough (60F) outside that I thought it would be a perfect day to take Robin on a bit longer walk. I was thinking we would do about 20 blocks, but after about 5 or 6, something started to go very wrong.

Initially, my legs felt extremely itchy and painful. The itching was pretty much like normal itching but the pain felt like knives cutting and slicing basically everything from the waste down. I then started to feel horrible all over and wondered to myself if I was not having some sort of entire-body histamine reaction since that’s kind of what it felt like.

We immediately turned back towards home, but since we had walked 6 blocks away from home I knew I needed to find some place to sit down a while. We approached the Max station about 1 1/2 block later, but a woman was sitting on the center of the bench so I figured we should go somewhere else. (Where? Who knows. There aren’t a lot of places to sit in Hillsboro - Car Town, USA.) But as we waited for the crosswalk, she literally staggered away. Must have been her empty wine bottle left on the bench. Silly me. I thought folks only drank Sutter Home with nice food in the comfort of their own home...

We did sit down and by that time I was feeling horribly nauseous and had broken out in one of those nasty cold sweats I get. I was really feeling very poorly. Unfortunately, two trains came by making Robin uncomfortable, the guys came to clean the platform and I wasn’t able to get completely out of the sun so I figured we should continue on home. My stomach was cramping up by this time.

Two blocks later we stopped at the Tuality Hospital Café. While I realized that I had gotten up so late, went right out to work on the garden, and thus missed breakfast, that didn’t really explain the histamine reaction thing though. Still, a bit of food wouldn’t hurt so I got a burrito. I ate it outside, sitting in the shade, while everyone who walked by wanted to pet Robin. He got lots of compliments and made loads of new friends.

After finishing the burrito, we continued the last 3 blocks to the house. I guess all told we were gone an hour. That’s a very long time for a six-block walk so I know I was sitting most of it. I feel okay, but my legs are really, really irritated.

I do seem to have some sort of a small bite on my left calf but it doesn’t look to be anything more than a mosquito-type bite. I’m not really sure if my feet swelled up or if maybe the socks were just a bit tighter than normal. Otherwise I don’t really see anything else that could explain what happened but I don’t really think the forgotten breakfast was entirely to blame.

I also did a quick double check of my med bottles because I knew one used to warn against exposure to the sun but I stopped that one some time ago. So now I’m rather stumped on what went wrong. I have to say I’m more than a little frustrated since I was eager to getting out for more and more exercise. I want to lose some of this excess weight and build up some endurance.

But it is experiences like this that make me really not want to take risks (like going for a 20 block walk is risky). This is exactly why I don’t go to nature parks alone or take the train to Washington Park or much of anything anymore. This really frustrates me because I thought I was maybe getting away from this kind of thing.

Ranting Parents of Hillsboro Blast Celebration's Strippers

I came across this piece yesterday on OregonLive.com but it was drawn from Hillsboro's own stellar font of journalism, "The Argus": Civic Center celebration both a success and learning experience (link should be available until about the 11th of Aug).

The Civic Center grand opening celebration last weekend was a success, but it was also a learning experience for Hillsboro in a number of ways.

It then goes on to explain that time capsules should not run 30 minutes late but that the bulk of what needed to be learned was that if the city is going to be in the business of providing 'family-friendly' entertainment, then they need to do a better job of screening it for 'appropriateness' beforehand.

See, it seems that some parents, including a ______ (I'm holding back the adjective) city councilor, compared Salsa band Caballo Negro's (Black Horse) dancers to "Las Vegas strippers." Said some rocket scientist, "the girls wore revealing outfits and performed suggestive 'grinding' dance moves." Oh, maybe that's the journalist's own opinion.

But here's the part I really like:

"As a city official, I've been bombarded by people who were insulted, who thought it was approved of by the Latino community," O'Donnell said Tuesday at a Hillsboro City Council meeting. "There are Latinos in my family, and none of them approved of it. I want the city to have a policy to make sure this never happens again."

Great, so how about the City of Hillsboro establishing the Office of Child Appropriate Entertainment and give them the mission of insuring that nothing that could offend the sensibilities of a few, narrow-minded people ever be performed publicly in the city in the future. And since we are against new taxes to fund government solutions now, let's just gut something like the police, fire or roads budget to make sure that Councilor O'Donnell and friends aren't challenged.

Gee, I guess they never watch any TV, movies, etc since this seems par for the course for a culture obsessed with the sexual objectification of women. It's not like the clothing for sale to young women is at all revealing. But I diverge.

What I don't understand is why must the city do away with things others like because a minority group doesn't like it? Was the performance abusive? degrading? or did it just not suit the taste of some?

Why didn't those like O'Donnell who felt the show was not to their liking simply walk away, go somewhere else, and do something different? I guess as an important figure like city councilor, she was tied to her seat with her eyeballs held open (a la Clockwork Orange) and made to suffer through the show. I'm so glad I didn't vote for her in the last election!

For me, I thought the entire day was going to be nothing more than a giant free daycare center so I didn't even bother to go. Let's see, here is the piece from OregonLive heralding the event (CIVIC CENTER COMMUNITY CELEBRATION)

Jugglers, mimes, face painters and a comedian will crack up, thrill and mystify children and parents with hands-on activities. Kids can compete in toss beanbag games, make arts and crafts, learn about nature and renewable energy or fish and golf by lining up for a handful of carnival games.

I also seem to remember the city newsletter going on and on about kid this and children that. Gee, reading the article from The Argus, I feel like I might have actually missed out on some cross-cultural stimulation. Well, it's not like I haven't seen Salsa bands before let alone young chicks in tight clothing shaking it for the boys. (Yeah, I saw MTV and VH1 back when I had cable. Oh, and there were all those rap videos - I bet O'Donnell really enjoys them!)

Yes, I'm sure there were a couple of things I would have found interesting, maybe even enjoyable, but I had no interest in tripping over someone else's uncontrolled monsters as they run around, loaded up on sugar, from face panting to mime, to fire engine, screaming all the time. I really wonder what percentage of people with children were at this event compared with the percentage of single and childless adults, seniors, the disabled, etc. I'm still convinced it was a giant daycare center....

If the city is going to get into the entertainment business, it should provide things that appeal to all residents. Now that doesn't mean that every single thing has to meet with the approval of each and every resident. No, they should have something for everyone and if a resident doesn't like a given item, they can walk away! Clearly, the last thing it needs is thought police.

OHP Premium to be Cut - my take

Political Notebook
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
The Oregonian (available here until roughly 10 Aug 2005)
Bill cutting health plan premium clears House

SALEM -- The poorest adults insured under the Oregon Health Plan would not have to pay a premium under a bill headed for the governor's desk.

Senate Bill 782, which passed the House unanimously Tuesday eliminates the $6 monthly premium for clients with incomes below 10 percent of the federal poverty line -- $77 a month for individuals and $112 for couples.

The Department of Human Services has charged premiums for the health plan since 1995, but in 2001 when lawmakers created the "standard" program, which provides limited health insurance for low-income adults, the rules for premiums were tightened. A recipient who missed two payments would be kicked off the plan for six months.

Last year, responding to budget cuts, the program was closed to new members, so anyone who loses eligibility cannot get back on the plan. SB 782 also relaxes the rules for premium payments for recipients with incomes up to the federal poverty level.

Supporters of keeping the premiums argued that everyone, even the poorest of the poor, can and should contribute something to their own health care. But critics of the policy say it punishes the most vulnerable Oregonians and pushes them into more expensive emergency rooms for care.

The bill means it will take longer for DHS to reach its target for reducing membership in the standard plan. The agency says it can afford to sustain 23,900 people on the plan. Currently about 25,700 people are enrolled. Eliminating premiums will lower revenues. As a result, plan can afford to insure fewer people. But at the same time, the bill will allow more people to stay enrolled.

Gov. Ted Kulongoski will sign the bill, a spokeswoman said Tuesday.

-- James Mayer

They just can't get over whining about how this is going to hurt others! In other words, because someone with $77 of monthly income (and remember, that's before any taxes or deductions of most any kind including housing payments, food, utilities, etc) is unable/unwilling to $6/mo they are somehow responsible for another poor person not getting any health care. This sounds a lot like blame the victim to me.

Let's see, if 25,700 each paid $6/mo then they have $154,200. Now I know that it's only a percentage of those 25,700 people (including myself, btw), who would only pay the $6, or more to the point, won't be paying the $6. Let's say it's a wopping 10% who fall below the magic 10% of FPL ($77/mo), then I'd like to know exactly how many more people they could add to the plan for $15,426. I can tell you that it sounds more like the amount of a senior manager's monthly salary. And how much do they spend accounting for each $6 premium? Hmmmm? I have a nagging suspicion that when you put in overhead, that number almost vanishes.

Next, keep in mind that you have to mail the premium by check. How many people living on $77/mo have a checking account? If not, then the cost goes up to buy a money order or you have to find someone to make the payment for you. Then, if you do that, you have to explain to every other program you get help from (food stamps, housing, etc) where the $6 comes from. So, in the case of Food Stamps, DHS then has to verify the information - an employee contacts the person making the payment for the client, needs to get a statement in writing, etc. So how much is DHS spending there? And what's really funny is that yet another DHS program pays my $6 premium for me each month, but I'm in a very small minority of people receiving this help.

Simply put, premiums had one REAL use, to get people off OHP. After all, how did the program shrink from over 200,000 to 25,700?

Talk about much ado about nearly nothing!

I'm Smitten

I'm watching this National Geographic program In Search of the Jaguar and think star Alan Rabinowitz has to be one of the most totally attractive men I've come across in years. He's passionate (about protecting jaguars), independent (prefers nature to civilization), rugged (butch and then some), educated (call him Dr Rabinowitz to be polite), persistent (constantly overcoming all kinds of adversity), activist, living with cancer, and so very handsome. Wow! What a man! And did I mention he's married with children?

Buy Alan's books from Amazon.com or leave a comment with information on how I can meet Rabinowitz's gay clone or email Karen Minnis to tell her I should have the right to a civil union with a guy as cool a this.

Drugs and Sleep

In case that one reader is wondering if I'm smoking crack or something, the answer is no, I have never and will never smoke crack. I prefer to allow my doctor's to recommend and the Oregon Health Plan to purchase, my drugs. See, quality control is foremost importance to me and I worry about quality standards at the local crack den.

I decided I needed to sleep better last night. To that end, I took a single 15mg of temazepam wondering how that would affect my visit to dreamland. Well, I think I slept for about 2 hours right off the bat, then woke, then slept, then woke and had trouble getting back to sleep, then fell asleep but felt like I was awake, then slept some more. Finally, when my alarm went off at 1:45am I was wondering, "what the hell???"

I felt like I had finally fallen asleep and was finally sleeping when of course the alarm beeps. It literally took 45 seconds for me to figure out what was going on and I even got up and left the bedroom before taking my regular 12 hour dose of my life supporting, HIV fighting pills. UGH! I did the same thing yesterday (or was it the day before) and forgetting to take my meds is very, very bad. [I think I need a good spanking. I was very, very bad. ]

So now that I'm up and about I feel groggy, sluggish, sore, and pretty out of it. Still, I think I'm doing a much better job of writing now than when I was taking all those anti-depressants and other crap. You know, yesterday it occurred to me that I think the anti-depressants were depressing me -- I had no interest in leaving the house, I didn't want to exercise, I didn't care about losing weight, I didn't want to get out and make friends, I didn't want to explore, I didn't want to listen to music, I didn't want to play games, I didn't want to do much of anything! Well, at least that how it feels now. I feel like I have twice the desire I did before.

But that's somewhat more dangerous since I often get depressed when my body craps out long before my desire. I can't even begin to get bored since there is always so much that I'd like to do each day. I just need more energy and a lot less pain. Well, that's why I'll go to Portland next week to see the doctor.

Pain, drugs, sleep - this is my real conundrum.

Minnis Recall Update

Well, a friendly and well-meaning D Operative responded to the posting of the Where Is the "RECALL MINNIS" Juggernaut?!? on Blog for Oregon. Clearly, one approach is to look forward to the next election and focus limited, time, energy, and support to defeating her then. (But gee, that's what the D's thought would work last year with King George II.)

I say, No Time Like The Present. Why put out tomorrow the bum you can remove from office today?!?

Oh Precious Sleep, Why Hast Thou Forsaken Me?

Finally last week there was some movement on the sleep issue. After almost a week of nothing but occasional catnaps, I did get a decent night's sleep. Also, my psych NP wrote a new prescription for the medication that I used to use which I picked up on Saturday. I decided that I'd try to use it sparingly, so only used it Saturday and Sunday. However since then I've not slept so well.

Yesterday, I just figured it was that I had gotten too upset over that Bitch from Wood Village or, maybe more appropriately, the lack of a mass recall movement. After all, she laid the foundation and explained why it should happen, but I've already written about that here.

I had a helluva time getting through the morning today so I had hoped that I'd be able to sleep well today. I mean, if I couldn't keep my eyes open during the morning, you'd think by the afternoon (my usual bedtime) I'd be out like a light. And I even made sure to get all the political crap out of my system so that I'd have a clear mind when hitting the hay. No problem there, but still I didn't manage to do more than string together about 7 naps.

I must have woken hourly. I'd get up, use the bathroom and head right back to sleep, but as the house heated up, becoming stuffy about 8pm, I had much more difficulty getting comfortable. Now I don't mean to imply that cooler air makes me drift right off, but I was uncomfortable enough that I knew it was a waste of time to just continue to lay there and not sleep.

I really don't feel very well today. Not only am I run-down but I feel like someone tried to break my legs just above my ankles and my eyes are bothering me. Well, I've only got to do dishes today and get the TB test read so it's not too bad. Oh, and I was going to feed the garden plants today too. It's only 14 hours until bedtime.

At least I have a clear conscious and I've let my legislators know what I need them to do.

Neoliberal Globalization and Alternatives: Overcoming Five Lies

"These so-called reforms agree: the weakest have to bear the burdens while gifts are showered above.. Every person has a right to share in the cultural advances because he or she exists. This means creating fair conditions for developing countries and ending exploitation.."

A look at what folks are thinking on the other side of the pond - well worth a look because it is clear that North American, Western European and some other of the more 'advanced' democracies in the richer nations are all suffering the same pressures. The article is well-written and provides cogent arguments.

Read it here.

Giving the Middle East Democracy

I've been thinking about this for some time - can we really give a country like Iraq democracy? While I am still undecided if anyone is truly better off now with a post-Saddam Iraq, I am quite clear that no one can ever give anyone else democracy.

Just look at the Cedar Revolution in Lebanon - while committed leadership has played a key roll, the real fact is it took the people, literally millions of the country's 3.8 million citizens, standing up and saying "we're not going to take it any more! We want control of our country back NOW! No Syrian occupation. No Israeli occupation. No US occupation."

After World War I, most European countries were 'given' some form of parliamentary or democratic government and within 15 years most citizens were calling for strong leadership to fix the economic and social problems post-1929. Most were more than happy to return to some form of monarchy or dictatorship. The people couldn't be bothered with conducting the extensive negotiations required to arrive at the compromises that make democratic government work.

So why do we allow our own government to tell us that we will "free Iraq and give them democracy" with the promise that it will spread throughout the region and ultimately defeat those who use terrorism to turn back the clock on social progress? Most likely because we have nothing to feel good about related to the prospects for peace in the region stemming from the Balkans to Western China. Therefore we hope that we are doing the right thing and that it will give us what we really desire, our own security, a peace of mind from the fear of terrorism.

I predict that anything other than the Iraqi people (or any people for that matter) taking control of their own government will end in failure. Sure, we need to be there like an older, more experienced sibling, one who knows that the young have to do it their own way, by making their own mistakes, but maybe they can learn something from our example. We can provide the support they ask for but we can never superimpose our approach to governance onto another country.

One other note about the whole Hariri/Cedar Revolution/Lebanon thing - I find myself wondering if too much power is not being invested in an individual if through nothing other than the cult of martyrdom and personality. There is something in the public presentation that reminds just slightly of Hitler, Stalin, Castro, Mao, and the like.

Nobody can give you freedom. Nobody can give you equality or justice or anything. If you're a man, you take it.
Malcolm X, Malcolm X Speaks, 1965

Whatcha Lookin' At?

Recent snapshot of my life partner, Robin, after telling him that the Bitch from Wood Village won't let Civil Unions come before the house. I asked him to give a good tooth shot but he felt this image communicated his true feelings much more appropriately. Yeah, he's ready to eat the children of the right!

Where Is the "RECALL MINNIS" Juggernaut?!?

Last year when certain Multnomah County Commissioners legalized Gay Marriage without any public debate, retaliation was swift - opponents of equality for sexual minorities wrapped themselves in the banner of "Democracy" and filled recall petitions.

House Speaker Karen Minnis, R-Wood Village even went so far as to say, "It makes a citizenry angry when government appears to be arrogant. When objections are raised, they say, 'Too bad, we're smarter than you.' " ("Marriage fire fuels debate on public trust," by Harry Esteve, The Oregonian, March 22, 2004 as published on OregonLive.com).

But now that Minnis, in league with her cronies from the religious right, has said "I'm smarter than you are. I'm not going to let the Oregon House even discuss the idea of Civil Unions," she seems to get off with barely a snicker. And yet that isn't even enough for Minnis, she feels the need to do the political equivalent of throwing sand in the eyes of an opponent by "gutting" Senate Bill 1000 of its substance (creating civil unions and banning discrimination in the housing and the workplace based on sexual orientation) and "stuffing" it meaningless "reciprocal benefits" language.

As reported by MedfordNews.com, "House Speaker Karen Minnis (R-Wood Village) referred SB 1000 to the House Committee on State and Federal Affairs on Thursday. Committee Chair Wayne Krieger (R-Gold Beach) then convened an immediate work session on the bill and banned the public, advocates, and legislators from testifying on the bill."

Where is the public debate now?

It is completely galling that Minnis and minion Krieger are not required to hold public debate by their opponents, let alone the same folk who cried for similiar debate in 2004. Simply put, progressives and others on the left are gutless and unwilling to play hardball. While this is not a call for mud-slinging, if the right is willing to use recall terrorism to cow every moderate legislator maybe it's time that the left do the same to those who make a stand against public debate, the hallmark of a viable democracy.

March all you want (certainly there is nothing wrong with it) but until we hold the legislator's feet to the fire, nothing is going to be accomplished.

PS - Congratulations and thanks to bill sponsors: Senate Majority Leader Kate Brown, D-Portland, Sens. Frank Morse, R-Albany, Ben Westlund, R-Tumalo, and Alan Bates, D-Ashland. Read more about it at the BendBulletin.com.

Time to Gut and Stuff Karen Minnis

I have been very hard pressed to tolerate, let alone like, Republican leadership in the state, but what is it with the woman who bubble up to the top that makes them so powerfully hateful? The latest, Wood Village's Karen Minnis, seems like either a pet of the Oregon Citizen's Alliance or a George Wallace wannabe. Sure, she can't figure out how to repeal the rights of ethnic minorities and has trouble cramming her Christian values down the rest of the state's collective throat but that doesn't mean she'll do her best to see that gays and lesbians stay on the outside -- she doesn't even want us looking in!

So I wasn't entirely surprised that she started out saying that no Civil Unions bill would be allowed on the floor of her House - it no longer belongs to the people. No, since voters said yes to banning gay marriage that means that voters don't want gays to have anything. I guess she couldn't stand the heat of not allowing the bill to come to floor so she turned into the Great Bitch of the West, brought the bill to the floor, gutted any protections for gays and lesbians, and then stuffed it with what she thinks the fags and dykes of the state are entitled to - NOTHING! See, not only is she a control freak, but if you don't do it her way, she gets mean and makes you pay for it.

For Minnis, discrimination is a good thing and she won't let any law even approach consideration that might make it illegal to fire someone because they might be gay or to refuse to rent or write a mortgage because they might be lesbians.

Why isn't someone circulating a recall petition to at least make this monster's life that much more difficult - after all, she has no interest in providing equal protection under the law to all citizens of the state. Hey, can't we write a ballot initiative to make lynching politicians from Wood Village with the initials KM not only legal, but the patriotic duty of anyone who values equality in this state!?!

Given 6 More Months to Live

Well, it's not completely, totally official since I don't have it in writing, but the Oregon Department of Human Services automated system says my medical coverage is now set to end in January 2006. So that should mean I've cleared the hurdles, processing problems aside. I always feel so much better when that's out of the way. Now it's just a couple of months before the housing applications but at least I don't have to do all the paperwork over with the landlord (like at Villa Crappy).

It's getting warm again after a nice, cooler weekend. I finally broke down and took some sleeping medication Saturday and Sunday to knock myself out but good. I worked. I got loads of sleep and felt quite a bit better. I'm also working at getting back on my normal schedule, which means I need to get to bed here quick.

One other thing of some import, as I get these damn drugs out of my system, I'm finding that I want to do things. A couple days ago I walked up to the Goodwill store (though I've yet to see one worse than the one in Hillsboro - NOTHING and EXPENSIVE!!! It's like they only have small men's clothes though it seems like racks and racks of women's stuff.) The exercise was good but it was a waste of time otherwise. I also rode my bike to the Health Dept for a TB Test and decided to ride up into the NW part of town since I've never been up there. Nothing exciting but it was good to ride a bit, even if it was no more than 30 blocks or so. I still have yet to find anything out here like my beloved Springwater Corridor though...

I've also been trying to locate some classes or groups that might be of interest so that I can get out and meet some people in this community, but it seems that if you don't have kids or cash, there is little to do. I have to say I'm not holding up much hope that I'm going to find anything. I don't really want to get involved in any more volunteer things though since I'm pretty much volunteered out.

Hillsboro's for the Rich

Well, I started looking for a laptop replacement this afternoon. I am coming up with very little. FreeGeek doesn't have many if any. What's a poor person supposed to do? I left some posts on Craigslist.

While at it I got on a website for a Portland-Gresham agency called Independent Living Resources. They do outdoor activities and have classes and that's what caught my attention. Problem is everything's in Portland or Gresham and I'd use all my energy just trying to get there. Plus I think it would be better to meet folks in my own community.

But it seems like there just isn't anything here unless you've got money to spend. It looks like classes through Parks and Rec run $50 - $100. Sure, old people get a discount but screw those with disabilities! They don't even have stuff at the library unless you want to learn to use computers in Spanish.

I'm beginning to think I'll never make any new friends in this community.

Broken Link

Yes, I know the link on the right "xj's blog index" is broken. I've not had the energy to create a page to put in it's special little spot yet. If I had a decent HTML editor on the laptop, I'd have had it done a long time ago but I have to do it on the desktop PC.

I did spend a few hours earlier in the week downlaoding the endless stream of updates and patches. I use that machine so infrequently now to connect to the Internet that it seems like there is at least 3 hours of work each time I do just so that I don't lose the machine on the fucking 'Net. I'm really getting tired of the 'Net. I think it's safer to have unprotected sex with a tweaker in San Francisco than log on to website using a Window's based browser...

Sleeping Some Again

Well, on Tuesday afternoon I knew things were about to change. I have no 'proof' but it felt like my body chemistry was different and I started dropping off while watching a video a bit after noon. Unlike the prior few days, such sleep seemed somehow easier to maintain and repeat so when I finally went to bed later in the evening, (once it had cooled sufficiently to start up the fans for the night) I actually did sleep fairly well. I got something like 12 - 14 hours of sleep total though I still did wake up a handful of times during that. At least I didn't have any trouble returning to sleep.

Last night wasn't as good, but it still was substantially better. It was a tiny bit harder to go to sleep but at least I felt tired and ready for bed. I seemed to wake up a bit more last night but overall the dreams weren't troublesome and I slept okay. I do feel rather tired though today. I don't believe I got much more than 6 hours of sleep last night.

I finally heard back from the doctor responsible for mental health drugs and she was neither able to talk to my primary care provider nor do the paperwork for CareOregon. I feel like I should be a bit more demanding but it's difficult when it seems pretty clear that she is overworked and I don't know if she gets any assistance internally with this sort of stuff like the County Clinic provides for clinicians. It's frustrating, but what can one expect when one gets to go to the clinic of last resort as something of a special favor because they can no longer charge the healthplan? I'm just waiting for CareOregon to say something like, "we can't pay for you to see this provider since she's not in Washington County (where there are no providers available who have experience working with HIV) so we won't pay for any prescriptions she writes."

Speaking of stupid people, the Dept of Human disService seems bent on fucking up my case yet again. The mess started when I called the Washington County Processing Center to request they mail out an reapplication for food stamps. (They won't do it automatically - they complain they don't serve enough people but they won't send out reapplications automatically). The agent was kind enough to tell me to call and schedule an time because I'd absolutely have to go into an office for a face to face (see if he's still breathing) interview though better way to explain the process is "we want to confuse things even more since we know you now do things the way we want them done so by going to an office where they will do it differently the likelihood that you lose benefits goes up."

So I called the Hillsboro Self-Sufficiency Office. But this office refuses to schedule interviews. I tried to explain that I needed to schedule transportation, that I was unable to sit around (or worse yet stand) for any length of time, etc. No dice. They had no idea how long I would be there so that made scheduling a ride with an agency pretty much out of the question. I tried to use "reasonable accommodation" and they refused that as well responding "then show up any day but Tuesday at 9am." Of course still no idea of how long it would take.

Luckily after some effort I found a friend who was free and she took me in last Wednesday. We get there and there is no parking so she drops me off at the disabled entrance. I have to press a button a declare to the whole world I'm disabled so they will let me in to use the elevator. I exited and am inside the lobby of some stupid office park type building with no office names on doors. Nowhere does it say entrance though some doors say things like "people we like only" and "don't you even think about opening this door, slacker."

Finally I find a directory and it says the Hillsboro Self-Sufficiency Office is in Suite 110 and I get lucky when I open that door though it looks like I'm entering a hallway with bathrooms and cubicles. I explore and suddenly find myself in a very crowded room. Of course there is no employee available to talk to new arrivals just a couple cryptic signs "stand here if you have a scheduled appointment" and "take a number". Hmmm, I guess I take a number since they refused to schedule an appointment, right. So I fight my way through the crowd.

After I get the number (09 and 00 is listed on the tote board), I then have to climb across the crowd to the opposite side of the room to get to two open chairs so my friend can find me after she parks the car. I'm sitting next to the copier so people are constantly banging into me which feels great given the pain I was already in by that point.

I guess I was there about 15 minutes before they called my number. I climb back across the screaming kids running around afraid they will go on to the next number before I get up there. I can't really tell who called me or where I'm supposed to go but try the only window without a poor person standing in front of it. I ask, "can we go some place to sit? I can not stand here at the window..." She looks at me like I asked her how much she charges for a quick handjob and I have to try and explain that I'm disabled, unable to stand, in pain (like the walk and cane didn't somehow indicate that I wasn't a track star) so finally she says, "how 'bout I get you a chair?" Finally, we are on track though the desk of the window now comes up at neck level.

I hand over the paperwork and she starts going through it. "You did this wrong, you should not have used the OHP application but marked that you want medical on the food stamps application..." Hmmm, I did it the way I always do it and used the forms sent to me by the processing center for the purpose intended, but of course they had to find something wrong. Then she hands me what looks basically like a job application, "fill this out." I again explain that I'm unable to work (like it doesn't already say that multiple times in the paperwork), have never seen nor completed this paperwork before, so why should I start now? Her response was a snide, "well you must be right."

I don't know exactly how many times we were interrupted during this process. It seemed that the woman in the booth next to her had to train the woman helping me how to help her own clients instead of letting her just get me taken care of. Nothing like constant, detailed interrutptions to insure quality work gets done. By this time I'm starting to shrivel up and hide under the window - the noise, they yelling, the chaos have been more than I can take. I've heard how the couple next to me are legal aliens and they have to schedule an interview to go to work and how the person on the other side, who I'm certain got there before me, didn't have a number before 11 so she'd have to come back tomorrow. She tried to tell them it was very far for her, ect but all the employee would say is, "each morning we go out and pull a number at 9am. We give appointments to people who have numbers before that and everyone else has to come back the next day..." That's quality service with the privacy touch!

I'm given a different piece of paper to fill out to say yet again "I'm disabled" and we are closing in on the end. She stamps my 'receipt' which shows that I did my face to face interview (in other words, that I came in to give them my paperwork) she staples it all together and says I'm done. I ask, "don't you usually ask for any more documentation other than driver's license and social security card?" Again, I'm way past her comfort zone here but know that in all likelihood the processing center won't be happy if they don't have proof. Still, I prefer to let them ask for stuff rather than try to second guess them and give them too much (or something that will get me in trouble since that's what really makes them happy).

I then ask what happens next and was told I'm all done, my paperwork would go to the processing center for processing, and I would not need to speak to anyone else (I had done my face to face 'interview' already) unless there was a problem. I then remind her that because of my illness, my paperwork should be 'expedited' (so I can go to the doctor and pharmacy in two weeks rather than waiting the usual 45 days for a OHP answer). She takes care of that and asks if there is anything else. I thanked her for her help and then had to yell across the room to get my friend's attention. Glad I could start breathing again, I made my way out of the office and was thrilled that my friend was actually able to get the car to the place she could meet me before I could get there. I hoped it was all taken care of and all I'd need to do was wait for the letters saying my benefits were now set to expire Jan 31, 2006.

But I went to the Hillsboro Self-Sufficiency Office so that was NOT to be the case. Late Monday afternoon, during one of the two half hour periods when I did sleep, someone calls and leaves a hard to understand message that she needs to speak to me about my medical. She gives me a number to call, says she doesn't have an answering machine but that I'd should leave a message and she'd call me back. After listening to the message 3 times I think it might be from a Karen. When I call the number left there is a message like "Mr Garcia is no longer at this number, do not leave a message, press 0 and leave a message in the general (office wide) voice mail." I'm not comfortable with these general voice mail boxes because I've NEVER had a call back from a single one at DHS EVER! I do the research and find that there is in deed a Karen at that office and get her direct number but get a message, "I don't work with clients, don't leave a message, dial 0 for an operator and they will tell you who to talk to."

So I'm off. I talk to the operator and she says I need to leave a message for Karen that I didn't check the box on my food stamps application for OHP and since I didn't tell them by the 15th that I wanted to continue my OHP my coverage would end at the end of the month. I then proceeded to tell her my experience of only a few days earlier when I came to their lovely working environment and left two applications - I had proof in the form of their stamped receipt... Well, "you need to talk to Karen," if she doesn't answer (like they ever do) then leave her a voice mail." "But I tried and her voice mail is pretty specific that we do NOT leave messages." So I was transferred to someone else's voice mail. I left a message Tuesday at about 8:30 am and have heard NOTHING back.

Nervous that I was now really in danger of losing my health coverage (and would probably NEVER be allowed to have it again since the program is closed to new enrollees and always under Republican pressure for termination) I called the Governor's Advocacy Office. She looked over the case and was concerned that even though through no fault of my own, it didn't look like they had my OHP application and even if I had proof I turned it in and the loss was their fault, if they didn't have an application by the 31st I'd lose my OHP forever. [Seriously, those were her words.] She wanted to make some calls to double check and she'd call me back if there was a problem (ie, no one could find the actual application). She didn't call back so I'm slightly more hopeful - that office has always been pretty good about doing what they say and solving any problem that doesn't require Superman or an act of fucking legislature.

She also said that she really thought it was important that I put my experiences in writing on one of the department's complaint forms so that the issues could be addressed. (Phone calls just don't get things done over there.) She felt that they had not done a very good job in helping me nor had they addressed my special needs let alone how they now had us both worried I was going to lose my health coverage.

So, now I wait for 8am. I will then start the round of phone calls and "do not leave voice mail" when that's of course all I'll get. I will just keep at it until I get to someone but at least I have the office manager and operations managers to talk to now as well. If I can't talk to anyone else, I will be happy to ask them the hard questions when I call for my grievance form.

The beat goes on.

Colorado - America's Fascist State

Is there ever any good news coming out of Colorado any more? The latest thing is Denver's banning of any dog that looks anything like a pit bull regardless of the dog's temperament or training. If I understand this article correctly, pit bulls and pit bull like dogs in Denver county are being seized and put on the animal shelter's death row. Yes, owners can take their dogs someplace or they can have someone sign an affidavit that the dog will NEVER return to Denver county and the dog is free to go.

What I find really troubling is that this hurts everyone regardless if the dog is trained to kill small children or is a loving family pet or even bread to AKC or international standards for shows and competition. It seems clear that only good owners, the owners who register and license their pets or showdogs, will be hurt by this law. Drug dealers, dog fighters, and bad owners will probably be less likely to lose their dog because they won't likely register or license the dog to begin with.

Again, instead of doing something about the troubling behavior of the humans who train the dogs harm (or do not train the dogs to behave) the government is going after a class of dogs. But notice, they won't touch a class of machines that kill (guns). I wonder what other dogs will be targeting next.

They Beat Up My Dog, Who Do I Sue?

Terry was kind enough to take Robin and I to the local dog park today for a special treat. Since getting back home, I've wondered if it was such a good idea. Not only am I exhausted, but poor Robin's practically lame. To start with, some dog named Coco tried to poke out his eye with her tooth. Of course I tried to wash it off a bit with some water but it wasn't exactly gushing so I figured he'd live.

But I noticed he was walking funny on the way back to the car. I figured it was normal since it has been so long since he's had such a work out. He ran after a few balls, chased a few mongrels, and sniffed more doggy butts than I can count. We dropped him off and ran to the store and when I got got back I noticed these two brown, spongy looking things laying by the front door. I picked them up and looked at them and realized that parts of his (foot) pads had fallen off. The ground was pretty hard, dry and dusty...

He's been resting up and I gave him a small aspirin to help a bit with the pain but when I let him out back to do his business, I thought I might have to carry the poor guy. He could barely walk! If getting beat up by a girl dog wasn't beat up, now he's lame! Thank god John Wayne is not around or else the poor guy would need to be put out of his misery.

I hope that a night's rest will do him some good but I'm thinking maybe a walk in the woods would be a better idea next week. What's up with these Washington County dogs? They play for keeps! I mean, hazing the old guy on his first visit and all. I mean we never had this kind of trouble in Portland or Eugene (much more sensible dogs in those communities I think - liberal dogs, you know - the like to sit around and howl about thier feelings rather than beating each other up).

Poor, poor Robin and I thought I was giving him such a treat!

I do think we'd both like to go back though I'd like to sleep some the night before and I'll take a chair so I can sit in the shade. Do I need to just tell them to play nice or something?

It's not so hot today and I'm down with that but i can't wait until the rains start again in the fall...

How Long Will This Go On

Well, my sleep didn't improve much once I finally went to bed. I did notice that it was cooling down quickly so I opened up the apartment in an effort to make it more comfortable. I did feel a bit more relaxed, if that is the word since I wasn't really stressed, just energized for lack of a better word. I think I finally fell asleep about two hours after I got up.

Did I sleep any better? I don't know. I remember dreaming quite a bit but I also think that between 9:30 and 3:30 (when I finally gave up for the evening) I must have woken up at least 5 times. Of course one time was to take my meds.

I feel really run down. My legs continue to ache and my eyes feel very dry and tired. Today I even have a bit of a headache. But if my experience of the last few days is any indicaiton, I will probably feel okay late in the morning though I won't have any great store of energy.

I guess what I find particularly strange about all this is that comparatively, I feel like I'm doing so much better now than a couple weeks ago and certainly way better than back in May. It's pretty much a whole different world than prior to the move. My spirits are quite high and I have not felt so not depressed for years, certainly before the move to Villa Crappy.

I'm not sure how long I'm going to be able to keep myself from falling back into that if I am not able to sleep. I guess I worry that my sanity will be affected once again but in a way, I'm still hopeful that we'll get a new med prescribed next week and then we will start making some headway.

Luckily, there is nothing of import on the schedule this week so I can do as much as I feel like doing. I can rest up and work on whatever projects seem to fit my level of energy. I also know that when I get some information from the doctor I will be ready to do whatever research might be needed before making a decision. I just don't know how long I will be able to sustain this before it really becomes an emotional strain.

Heat and Sleep

Well, I went to bed a few hours ago and now I'm back up again. Unlike the title might imply, I don't know that the one has much to do with the other right now. I thought for sure my sleep would get worse when the warm weather hit, but it seems it can't get much worse no matter what happens.

Actually, about 6 - 7 hours ago was I falling asleep while watching a video. I figured that was a sign, so I tried to wrap things up for the day and head to bed. Unfortunately, it didn't go as quickly as I would have liked due to some computer issues but it's not like I got so energized that I wanted to go dancing either.

Anyway, I went off to bed and watched a video for a bit. Feeling tired again, I turned it off and tried to turn in but catching sleep must be harder for me these days than it is for an illegal alien to catch a ride north with the Border Patrol.

I don't know exactly how to describe it. One thing is it feels like my heart is beating too fast though I won't say I feel particularly stressed. At times, I guess I did since I wasn't feeling sleepy enough, but I worked on clearing my thoughts, relaxing, and getting as comfortable as possible given that I'm in pain. Finally, I know I would doze off a bit, but I was pretty much conscious. I was dreaming but it felt much more like I was awake.

Even though I know I was asleep since I was dreaming, the dreams feel as real to me as writing this does this instant. It's like it has become so difficult to just let go that I no longer can. However, I think it has much more to do with meds interfering with my ability to actually get to and maintain sleep. Until May I was on a drug which seemed to knock me out quite effectively for at least 6 hours. But that is all gone now.

I finally gave up and decided I needed to get up for a bit and do something. I decided to have a glass of wine wondering how that would make me feel since it is a depressant. I feel very tired but I don't feel sleepy. My legs ache something terrible much like they always do when I don't get enough sleep. My eyes feel dry and heavy. Actually, much of my body hurts to some degree.

I don't think I've ever quite felt this way. I remember being too stressed out about this or that that I just couldn't let myself go so that I would sleep. But now, no matter how much I try and let go, the body just doesn't want to come along for the ride. That seems to be much of the story these days.

On the subject of the heat, yes, it was too hot for me again today. Actually, 75F is about the upper limit of my comfort zone now though since dropping those drugs I don't seem to be overheating quite as badly as a couple of weeks ago. I haven't had a heavy sweat followed by severe weakness and trembling except maybe one time this week. I do feel like I'm doing better there.

The apartment is also more comfortable than I feared with the short hot spell earlier in the spring. It does seem to warm up a bit more than I'd really like but I seem to be able to control it some too. I've been opening the place up and putting on the exhaust fans between 10 - 11 pm and running them until about 8 am. The last two days I've managed to cool the place below 60F in the morning when I close things up. I've actually started closing the bedroom door at the same time and it heats up much more slowly than the main room. So the front room is running 8-10 degrees cooler than outside while the bedroom is 12-14 degrees cooler. Granted, it's not ideal for me in the afternoon, but I'm dealing with it and really wondering if I really need an air conditioner.

I've had an offer of help in that arena but part of me really would prefer to make do without. I know I am afraid that I will become dependent on it somehow and will 'need' it more than I'd like. Simply put, I don't think I can afford it - especially if I considered cooling the entire apartment. So I wondered if maybe cooling the bedroom might be the way to go, but I'm not convinced I really need it now.

First off, the hot season is pretty limited here. A bad year might have 3 months of summer, right? And to put an air conditioner in I'd pretty much lose the use of one of the windows. Considering that this place has large casement windows, that would pretty much mean losing a window for whatever part of the apartment the machine would go in. I can't imagine that would improve my ability to heat the place in the winter and I really like to be able to open the windows and let the cool, night air in -- it's the best!

I've tried to think of every possible way to do it so that I minimize the footprint of the air conditioner and maximize the use of my windows the way I want and I just can't find a solution that I'm excited about. If only they made a tiny portable air conditioner that I could store in the closet and bring out when it's simply unbearable in the bedroom...

TiBook DeathWatch

Well, a month or so ago my laptop, the computer I use 90% of the time, starting acting up. The only real problem besides the seeming sluggishness is that upon opening it up, I often have to fiddle with the screen's position before it will light up. I have this nagging suspicion that it's only a matter of time before the day comes and there is no light at all. I guess I need to check to see if I have a S-Video cable that would at least connect it to my monitor should I find the disaster needing recovery. Of course I have done a back up (before the move) and it's not terribly easy since I have to back it up to my XP machine but at least all the really important stuff, well calendar and address book, are on my Palm.

I find myself thinking more and more about getting a Windows based laptop. Of course my main decision other than how to pay for it is should the machine be cool enough to play games? Well, since my favorite games are SimCity 4 and The Sims, the machine would have to be pretty damn cool to be able to be enjoyable. To that end, I managed to find a Mac software graveyard this past week were I downloaded some of the games that I really enjoyed 10 - 15 years ago. All are low in terms of minimum requirements and I have more problems with getting them to run (and not crash) under Classic 9.2, but I kind of think that I can keep myself minimally entertained with simpler games most of the time and when I have the energy I can enjoy them on the big time on my desktop machine.

The other really annoying thing is the Internet. Simply put, between a dial up connection and all the crap being posted on the 'Net, it seems to take forever to accomplish many simple tasks. I swear I can't do a search for a book from the Washington County Library and make a request in less than 30 minutes. Of course some of that is their somewhat limited web catalog but the other part is that it takes so long to load and reload pages. It also seems like the connection is dropping much more often now.

Speaking of DeathWatch, I've cut way back on my meds. I dropped 3 outright and put another two on hold for a month. That means I'm actually only taking 5 Rx's right now and I have to say I feel GREAT! I cannot believe the difference though my sleep is still horrible and nothing seems to help there. I thought we were on the right track but the HMO that handles my OHP plan rejected the latest attempt to deal with the sleep issue. I called them up, a bit hot under the collar since I didn't really like the idea that some hack sitting in front of a computer somewhere was actually prescribing my meds for me, but was pleasant and the woman kindly explained that the provider needs to consult their formulary before writing the prescription. Since this drug isn't on their formulary, there is, can you believe it, PAPERWORK to do. Yes, that's right, more PAPERWORK, but at least it is the doc's responsibility for once, not mine. I'll see what happens with this next week - but gee, by then maybe I won't need to sleep any more.

And on the subject of paperwork, DHS required that I take mine for OHP and Food Stamps to their office this week so that a human could see I was in fact still alive. She then bundled it all up and sent it to the same place I would have sent it. I wonder how much time that ended up wasting? I will say that the visit to the Hillsboro office was only made tolerable by Tiersa's driving and delivery. The place was packed wall-to-wall with people and of course, their children were there too running amok. The noise drove me crazy and it was all I could do to not roll up into a tight little ball and wait for it to be over. Still I think everything should be okay and I should hear soon that the benes will continue for another 6 months - famous last words, right?

Hmmm

Well, I'm giving Blogger a try using my own website finally. It seems fairly easy to use, especially this 'post by email' thing (which I am now using). I think that is a positive feature given that I'm on dial-up and am not always online. Will see how that goes.

One big downside so far is the inability to group or categorize posts. I had been thinking about trying to install Movable Type but my experience is that that kind of thing takes knowledge and patience and both are things in limited supply anymore.

I had originally hoped to basically recreate my old jablog blog, but that will take quite a bit of effort since I was never able to download or backup my posts. I did manage to save copies of each page to my hard drive, so I do have copies of almost everything I posted (I think I lost my list of links and polls and maybe some other minor stuff). I know a lot of folks were pretty pissed when jablog disappeared, especially given the way it just seemed to fade away. I never really heard a final "goodbye" but it's completely gone now.

If I decide to use this blog permanently I will want to make some changes to the template. But mostly I want it to be easy for me to use and for it to make sense. Given the amount of posts I did previously, just having posts by date may or may not be the best way for me to go. Who knows. As of now I don't plan on trying to continue with my movie reviews though it might be nice to just keep a list going with some
basic thoughts. Don't know...