Making do and getting by
Well, I don't seem to be making much progress quite yet. I have a day or two where I do okay and then it's a real slog for the next few just to make do. I do try to get out in the garden every day or two for at least a little while but that's about it. There are plenty of cherry tomatoes still to pick and even with the rain, the gardens under the eaves don't get natural rain so I have to supplement. I'm sure I'll soon be cleaning out stuff as it dies off with the cooler weather.
I have to admit the increase in pain and seeming inability to get past the fatigue is really trying me emotionally right now. So I guess I'm not feeling like I'm making much headway since summer but I try to remind myself that I don't know how long it will take to recover from that long, difficult spell which included so little sleep.
Speaking of sleep, I seem to spend quite a long time in bed though I never sleep longer than 2 hours at a stretch. So while I may sleep 10 - 12 or even up to 14 hours during a given night, my body never gets that beautiful, deep, rejuvenating sleep that one needs. So even with all the rest, I don't seem to be getting better.
As for the aid of medication, there has been no headway made thanks to the doctors. For the meantime I've been trying valium but at what seems to me a low dosage, it is almost useless. Remembering the drug I used to use (but caused seizures) about one half hour after taking it I would feel really sleepy and would be out for 4 - 6 hours. I wished it would work a bit longer, but at least it was working.
Now, these drugs that I've been provided seem to make me a bit relaxed -- maybe more like a good stiff scotch than a sleeping pill -- but the real problem with them is the waking up or should I say "getting up." I wake up a lot, but I feel groggy, sleepy, and simply not ready to get up so I tend to stay in bed. I've tried forcing myself out of bed with the alarm clock but that doesn't help at all. Generally all I feel then is more tired and the day is shot.
I've also promised myself that I will listen to my body better and do what it needs rather than force it to do what it can't. I do notice that there is a time when I wake in the morning and I feel ready to get up and get about the day. Some times this happens after 8 hours, some times longer. I still may be slow for a couple hours in the morning as I wake - I can no longer jump out of bed and get busy the way I did just a few years ago when I was working - but after that I feel well enough to try and do something that day.
Anyway, back to meds, the silly doctors still have not even tried submitting the paperwork for the new medication Ambien. All it is, from both sides, is "I called, left a message, and heard nothing back..." Well what the hell do they expect if they never answer their own phone - someone has to answer the phone or they will never talk. Maybe they try returning the call, get voice mail, know the drill, and don't even bother. Who knows?
WHO CARES!
I'm the one who suffers because they can't get their shit together and talk to each other. This has continued on for almost 6 months now, each blaming the other, and me in increasing pain. I still believe that the inability to get a decent night's sleep regularly is contributing to the increased pain.
And that's the real problem - the pain is increasing and much more troublesome. Where only a few months ago I felt well enough to do the 11 or so round trip to the library on foot, now a block and a half is about it. A trip through the grocery store is exhausting though with a break/rest I can do other things later on in the day. I have to take frequent, extended breaks while washing dishes even.
Yesterday, I tried to make myself a nice dinner. I had picked up some boiled shrimp at the store on Sunday and had some frozen pasta in the freezer. Since the heavy rains over the weekend, many, many of the cherry tomatoes burst so I decided to make a creamy tomato sauce for the pasta with herbs and peppers from the garden. I used milk and dried parmesan cheese and used the hand blender to cream it up. It was yummy even though while still boiling down the veggies the chicken broth/white wine boiled down much too fast and I didn't recognize the smell before it was too late.
Then, while pouring the pasta through the strainer the Pyrex dish disintegrated. I managed to separate out the pasta from the glass since it was ravioli and it floated nicely. I was frustrated but at least still enjoyed the dinner. But I feel like much of type of thing has been happening over the last couple of weeks. I drop lots of stuff -- maybe I dropped the Pyrex dish, actually, I believe I did, but it didn't break at that point. Instead, it created a weakness that somehow caused it to break apart.
I'm finding my frustration growing -- I'm tired, I'm in increasing pain, and too many things seem to be going wrong. Why do I continue with all this? I'm back to struggling along just to get by. Other than an occasional good movie, interesting documentary, or pretty flower, what is there? Since I can't exercise, I'm now going to have to give up the last thing I have left -- yummy food -- in a last ditch effort to lose some weight. If I lose some maybe that will help with the pain but I enjoy those chocolates, that ice cream, and I never stop craving cookies, cake and pie.
Now I know better than to stop it completely so I am trying to figure out limitations (sweets limited to two mini-candy bars and three cookies a day) and fat becomes the bugaboo. This is the way I've had success losing weight in the past but I've been able to mix in plenty of exercise. Also, I knew it short-term. But how long will I need to do this?
Additionally, since I rely heavily on food made by friends who are not concerned about fat content I neither know what's in it nor have much control other than to eat or not eat. I am afraid that I'm giving up my last pleasures now - granted, out of desperation to do anything to help with the pain - and will soon have nothing.
I don't know. The other issue is I'm finding I want to be around any and all people less and less. Part is simply not feeling well, part is feeling over burdened by just getting by, but more than anything I need a vacation like everyone needs a change from day-to-day existence now and then. I may be forgetting something, but my last getaway was in 2002 and it was pretty much downhill from there. If ever there was a man (and a dog) who needed a week or two in a cabin, it is me.
I have to admit the increase in pain and seeming inability to get past the fatigue is really trying me emotionally right now. So I guess I'm not feeling like I'm making much headway since summer but I try to remind myself that I don't know how long it will take to recover from that long, difficult spell which included so little sleep.
Speaking of sleep, I seem to spend quite a long time in bed though I never sleep longer than 2 hours at a stretch. So while I may sleep 10 - 12 or even up to 14 hours during a given night, my body never gets that beautiful, deep, rejuvenating sleep that one needs. So even with all the rest, I don't seem to be getting better.
As for the aid of medication, there has been no headway made thanks to the doctors. For the meantime I've been trying valium but at what seems to me a low dosage, it is almost useless. Remembering the drug I used to use (but caused seizures) about one half hour after taking it I would feel really sleepy and would be out for 4 - 6 hours. I wished it would work a bit longer, but at least it was working.
Now, these drugs that I've been provided seem to make me a bit relaxed -- maybe more like a good stiff scotch than a sleeping pill -- but the real problem with them is the waking up or should I say "getting up." I wake up a lot, but I feel groggy, sleepy, and simply not ready to get up so I tend to stay in bed. I've tried forcing myself out of bed with the alarm clock but that doesn't help at all. Generally all I feel then is more tired and the day is shot.
I've also promised myself that I will listen to my body better and do what it needs rather than force it to do what it can't. I do notice that there is a time when I wake in the morning and I feel ready to get up and get about the day. Some times this happens after 8 hours, some times longer. I still may be slow for a couple hours in the morning as I wake - I can no longer jump out of bed and get busy the way I did just a few years ago when I was working - but after that I feel well enough to try and do something that day.
Anyway, back to meds, the silly doctors still have not even tried submitting the paperwork for the new medication Ambien. All it is, from both sides, is "I called, left a message, and heard nothing back..." Well what the hell do they expect if they never answer their own phone - someone has to answer the phone or they will never talk. Maybe they try returning the call, get voice mail, know the drill, and don't even bother. Who knows?
WHO CARES!
I'm the one who suffers because they can't get their shit together and talk to each other. This has continued on for almost 6 months now, each blaming the other, and me in increasing pain. I still believe that the inability to get a decent night's sleep regularly is contributing to the increased pain.
And that's the real problem - the pain is increasing and much more troublesome. Where only a few months ago I felt well enough to do the 11 or so round trip to the library on foot, now a block and a half is about it. A trip through the grocery store is exhausting though with a break/rest I can do other things later on in the day. I have to take frequent, extended breaks while washing dishes even.
Yesterday, I tried to make myself a nice dinner. I had picked up some boiled shrimp at the store on Sunday and had some frozen pasta in the freezer. Since the heavy rains over the weekend, many, many of the cherry tomatoes burst so I decided to make a creamy tomato sauce for the pasta with herbs and peppers from the garden. I used milk and dried parmesan cheese and used the hand blender to cream it up. It was yummy even though while still boiling down the veggies the chicken broth/white wine boiled down much too fast and I didn't recognize the smell before it was too late.
Then, while pouring the pasta through the strainer the Pyrex dish disintegrated. I managed to separate out the pasta from the glass since it was ravioli and it floated nicely. I was frustrated but at least still enjoyed the dinner. But I feel like much of type of thing has been happening over the last couple of weeks. I drop lots of stuff -- maybe I dropped the Pyrex dish, actually, I believe I did, but it didn't break at that point. Instead, it created a weakness that somehow caused it to break apart.
I'm finding my frustration growing -- I'm tired, I'm in increasing pain, and too many things seem to be going wrong. Why do I continue with all this? I'm back to struggling along just to get by. Other than an occasional good movie, interesting documentary, or pretty flower, what is there? Since I can't exercise, I'm now going to have to give up the last thing I have left -- yummy food -- in a last ditch effort to lose some weight. If I lose some maybe that will help with the pain but I enjoy those chocolates, that ice cream, and I never stop craving cookies, cake and pie.
Now I know better than to stop it completely so I am trying to figure out limitations (sweets limited to two mini-candy bars and three cookies a day) and fat becomes the bugaboo. This is the way I've had success losing weight in the past but I've been able to mix in plenty of exercise. Also, I knew it short-term. But how long will I need to do this?
Additionally, since I rely heavily on food made by friends who are not concerned about fat content I neither know what's in it nor have much control other than to eat or not eat. I am afraid that I'm giving up my last pleasures now - granted, out of desperation to do anything to help with the pain - and will soon have nothing.
I don't know. The other issue is I'm finding I want to be around any and all people less and less. Part is simply not feeling well, part is feeling over burdened by just getting by, but more than anything I need a vacation like everyone needs a change from day-to-day existence now and then. I may be forgetting something, but my last getaway was in 2002 and it was pretty much downhill from there. If ever there was a man (and a dog) who needed a week or two in a cabin, it is me.
posted by xj at 2:44 PM
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