How Am I Doing?

This is a good question.

Right now, I'm really annoyed with Blogger. One of the things that drives me nuts about relying on another service is when it's not working, I have no idea why it's not working, what the status is, what can be done to fix it, and on and on and on. It all comes back to why I want to be able to do things for myself.

I still haven't made any headway on the laptops though the TiBook doesn't seem to be acting up quite as much recently. I haven't done anytthing to it, but I'm happy that it's behaving. Maybe I will take another poke around and see if there is any kind of HTML editor freeware that I could stand. My last post took 5 BLEEDING MINUTES to upload! Now keep in mind, that's a 36kb graphic, boy, that must have stressed the servers...

Overall though I seem to be suffering from too much desire and no where near enough energy. Since I've generally been feeling better, I think I've been pushing myself a bit harder than maybe I should. Now don't get confused, this doesn't mean that I'm trying to run a marathon, feed the World's children, clean the Willamette, or figure out how to remove the NeoCon's from the throne of power. No, we are talking simple stuff like cooking, doing dishes, washing the windows, working in the garden, vacuuming, taking a shower, walking with Robin, and the like. There is just so much that I want to do and I don't feel like I've got nearly enough energy and I do seem to run out of time too.

I've been trying during the last week to get back on schedule. I noticed that pretty much every day I was falling asleep around 9pm. Since it was clear that my body was working towards a schedule, I hoped that I could adjust that to my normal schedule so I took some sleeping pills for two nights to insure that I got to sleep and actually slept. That worked well enough though I felt somewhat tired and hungover yesterday. It made it difficult to do much of anything though I still got the garden watered and went to the neighbor's to pull weeds. But a couple hours later, I couldn't stay awake.

So even though I was tired -- probably more like exhausted -- I went to bed early in the hope that I could get a good night's sleep naturally but no luck. I did sleep last night, but it was on and off and somewhat uncomfortable. I just wanted to get a decent night's sleep but it was like the chemicals wouldn't flow right in my brain.

I still got up at 2am when I wanted to and I will say that I feel much better now than I did a couple hours ago. I'm not confident that I'm going to get much done today and I'm trying to tell myself that it's okay. I feel like I need to get some stuff done (dishes, shower, DHS grievance, electric bike research, eating) and there is plenty more that I'd like to do (vacuum, fix the headboard, plant some seeds, walk Robin). We'll see what gets done.

Other than these issues related to sleep and feeling rested, I feel pretty good. My mood is excellent and even this running out of steam isn't getting me down. There just doesn't feel like the negative pressure and stress I had a year ago. I just feel like I need to get my schedule back, so that I get enough sleep and feel rested, and yet have as much time during the day to do all the things I'd like to do.

Boredom?!?

What I don't get is how people can complain about boredom. I mean, I don't even have time to think about being bored since there is just so much that I want to do. Let's see, there is fixing the laptops, writing, creating webpages, bathing Robin, learn to draw, learn to paint, practice writing Japanese, create new cards, make all sorts of crafts, make a coat hanger thing for behind the front door, finish cleaning Ruby's patio, work on my backyard, clean the apartment... Shall I continue?!? Then there are books to read, movies to watch, magazines...

How can people be bored?

Now I can understand how some might feel lonely. For my part, I have been feeling like I've had too much contact with others recently. Yes, I'd like to expand my circle of friends and meet some new people from the Hillsboro area, but that is a different thing. I kind of feel like I'd like to pack up my books, art/craft supplies, camera, Robin and go hole up in a cabin on the beach or in the mountains for a couple of weeks. I'd just like to hole up for a while, mostly to explore this creativity.

Oh, and I think I may finally have some insight as to why I'm not such a good artist. [And you can keep your "you are a good artist, you just need to let it out" type stuff to yourself. I'm passed that.] I realized that I don't see images in my mind. I've been trying really hard to see pictures when I close my eyes (but before I start dreaming) and it's just pretty blank.

Now don't let this mislead you, I have a very active imagination. But the difference is instead of imagining a series of images, I imagine a story. My life is more prose and less pictures. So even though I have some interesting concepts that I'd like to translate into artwork, I don't find that I have have a graphic concept of it in my mind.

So this will be interesting to work on. I can't say that I will or won't be able to change this, but at least I can be aware that it is the way that my mind works (or doesn't, one might argue). All I can do is look at ways to maybe add this functionality - though I don't really know how - or find ways to work around it. Right now, I'm tyring to find some coloring books. I figure if I don't have to worry so much about composing the pictures, maybe I can just concentrate on putting them together.

Everytime I sit down with my very cheap watercolors all I seem to do is scribble. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that, but I can't seem to create a picture since I don't have a picture in my mind to create. So maybe if I have a couple coloring books with natural scenes I can use them as a starting point, but so far all I've been able to find are the TV show and movie based ones which seem more like comic books which are left for the reader to finish with color. Maybe I just don't know the right place to look for good coloring books.